A Very Covid Christmas (again)- and 10 Things I Learned in Isolation

This Christmas I officially joined the covid club.  I still have no idea where I got it, although between teaching in person and a busy social life, there are several possibilities. I am very lucky, in that my symptoms were mild. I had a scratchy throat, and a light cough for a few days, but in all honesty if it was not covid times, I would have felt guilty taking off any more than a day of work for it. 

It started with feeling tired , and as a new teacher I didn’t really consider that a symptom, as much as an unavoidable way of life.  But then my throat started feeling weird.  I thought I was just dehydrated.  It wasn’t so much sore as it was scratchy.  Honestly it was only as I was sipping a beer in the distillery, feeling as if lacerations were being lit up as I swallowed the carbonated liquid that I started to make the connection. However, after two bouts of pretty bad colds/flus already this fall, I wasn’t super concerned it was covid.  I really just didn’t want to be sick in any kind of way in these weeks leading up to christmas.  

I went home, went to bed , thinking a good sleep would help.  Instead I was up half the night feeling feverish, hot and cold at the same time, with a pounding headache, and achy as if I had arthritis in my hips.  At 4:30 that morning I sent an email with my principal with typo laden plans explaining my absence that day.  

I woke up feeling much better.  My fever was gone (did I even have one in the first place? I wondered).  My throat felt much better, and my headache was mostly gone too.  I did have some phlegm and a cough, but it was much milder than the cough I had the last time I was sick, and that was not covid. 

 I somehow miraculously did not infect any member of my family, despite seeing them over the weekend and on the very day I started having symptoms, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I did, however, land my lovely roommate with Covid for the second time.  And unlike me, who luckily gets to leave my isolation the eve before Christmas eve, she only started having symptoms a few days ago and must spend Christmas on her lonesome until the 27th.  She isn’t holding it against me, and I’ve been showering her with early Christmas gifts including a delivery of Craig’s Cookies and an UberEats gift card, but I still feel awful to have thrown a wrench into her family Christmas plans. 

The most distressing part of this whole debacle is that I have to suffer the inconvenience of 10 days of isolation during the week of excitement and anticipation leading up to the 25th.  I missed several Christmas events, including the annual Christmas reunion dinner with my high school friend group, and our family Christmas on the 19th with cousins who live in BC was cancelled completely.  My hopes of sipping (chugging) mulled wine with my cousins watching our parents get equally as toasted were dashed. 

But as I am continuously reminded, it is just the times.  

I feel like I’m going through the ultimate 2020 rite of passage having covid.  In a fucked up kind of way, receiving my positive result from a PCR test almost felt like a golden ticket to Wonka’s factory-- something I had heard about, and always knew was a possibility, but never quite believed I would ever be the recipient.  It felt as if I was just hearing the term “Omnicom”  and gossip about Covid becoming a big “thing” again, when all of a sudden I had it. 

People are continuously fascinated by Covid.  It has this air of intrigue composed of both awe and fear around it, the virus equivalent of “He Who Must Not Be Named” (AKA Voldemort, for the non-potter-heads). When I got my test result, I contacted all the people I had seen the weekend leading up to it.  The owner of my pole studio sent out a message to those I had been in class with me letting them know they had been in contact with “a positive case.”  “Don’t worry!  The owner assured me.  I didn’t say it was you! I Kept it anonymous.  It was very kind of her to do that, but also, why do we have this attached shame complex to a positive test? Its not as if anyone conspires to get covid and then spread it to as many people as they can.  Its a virus that as a world, we are all fighting together.  

Friends reached out with the same questions:  

How are you?  

What are your symptoms?

How did you get it?

My  not very exciting responses were okay, fine, and no idea.  They were relieved I was okay,  but at the dame time there is a sense of disappointment. Like that’s it?  This is what we’ve been hiding from for close to 2 years? 

I get it.  But still, I am grateful that this, for me, is all covid was.  

My isolation companion, Jaeda

10 Things I learned in Covid Isolation

1.  Covid feels like a mild cold (and I thank being vaxxed for that.)

   I’ve been sick three times this fall/winter already, and each time my symptoms were much more severe than this.  Other than a short bout of feeling feverish in the middle of the night when I first started feeling off, covid felt no worse than a mild cold.  I had a scratchy throat for two days, and a very light cough and not a ton of energy for a few more after that.  However, by day 4 or 5,  I would’ve been back to my regularly scheduled life if what I had wasn’t covid.  

   I know some people might take this as proof that covid really isn’t  a big deal, and that there are unnecessary precautions and restrictions being made out of fear/ corruption/ ignorance etc…  But I am pretty confident that being double vaxxed probably had something to do with the very mild and manageable experience I had.  And, for what I am very grateful, keeping my parents and family, and students from not getting infected by me, considering I was in close contact with many people right up until the night I had my fever.  Yes, I got covid, BUT it could have been MUCH worse. 

2. It's very convenient to isolate in walking distance to family.

This fall, my grandfather moved into a care home, leaving his house right next to my family home empty, Even before I got my official positive test result, my parents invited me to do my isolation in this empty house so I would have room to sprawl out and also be nearby for them to help me out.  I know I am beyond lucky to have this convenient set up, but it was honestly a life saver.  And every home cooked meal that was lovingly delivered to my door did not go unappreciated. 

My Grandfather’s empty house where I spent the past 10 days in isolation

3. I will never again take for granted the opportunity to grocery shop in person. 

Grocery delivery services and Instacart are very convenient, and during my 10 days of isolation, they kept me well fed and well stocked. But as a grocery shopper, I am much more of an in-the moment impulse buyer of what looks good versus writing a list. I swear I spend longer navigating the instacart website, trying to rack my brain for what I want to eat for the next week versus walking the aisles and buying what looks yummy at a good price. I also felt denied the experience of food shopping in the days before christmas… Meandering the festive displays of chocolates and oranges and fresh figs as Christmas music blares through the aisles. People watching the festive folk grocery shopping in Santa hats and holiday sweaters , carts filled with things for entertaining like wheels of brie, giant panettone, and cartons of egg nog.  Maybe I am a bit of an odd duck, missing food shopping in this way but there's nothing like being locked indoors for an extended period that makes you miss these ordinary experiences of being human. 

4.  I am more introverted than I thought

At first, the prospect of having to isolate for 10 days sent me into a spiral of dread.  I hate being alone, I thought. I am an extrovert!  I need people.  Turns out I can be pretty content on my own with a puppy, a home pole studio, and a puzzle.   I was able to get lots of writing done, make several gifts for family, friends, and their dogs (hello, hand sewn bandanas) and watch anything I wanted without compromise.  Actually by dat 9, I was kind of wishing I had one more day of isolation to get a little bit more done before my time was up and I was thrown back into the mayhem of a family christmas.

5. I still remember the majority of every Taylor Swift song 

I love to sing,  but living in close quarters with a roommate, I never subjected her every often to my belting it out musical theatre style impromptu concerts.  In a big house on my lonesome, with Taylor Swift playing on my spotify, I didn't hold back.   Turns out I remember the obscure lyrics from obscure tracks on Red and 1984      just as well as I did back in 2010. 

6. Christmas cookies taste better when you can share them

Near the end of my isolation, when I figured I was mostly noncontagious, I started christmas baking, making dozens of beautiful cookies.  It felt nice to bake, but when you are sharing the finished result of a perfectly shaped sugar cookie or lightly whipped aquafaba meringue with none but yourself and your dog, the joy falls flat just a little.  I could've eaten oreos with my hot chocolate after that day of baking and been equally as satisfied, and created much less of a mess. 

7. The truest friends don’t forget about you when you are MIA (out of sight out of mind)

Despite my new discovery of an introverted side, it was really amazing to hear from friends throughout my isolation.  I totally get out of sight out of mind, and I hate to say I often fall into that pattern of interaction, especially with friends and family in different cities and provinces.  So when I was dropped off a covid care package from my extremely thoughtful long time friend, I felt loved and appreciated and cared for, and I think that itself made the entire isolation experience so much more endurable.  Even something as simple as the texts I received from various friends and family checking in on me, or saying hi in just a sentence or less were beautiful reminders of the connections I had in my life, and the friendships I do not take for granted.

covid care package from a dear friend <3

8. A walk does not need to be 5 kilometres

In isolation, technically you are not supposed to leave yourself.   In a very quiet street in the suburbs, I made an exception twice a day (morning and night) to venture out to walk my dog (masked) and keeping away from people.  My dog is 13. We do not go far and we do not go fast.  The furthest we ever go is barely 2 kilometres and it takes close to 45 minutes, with lots of breaks for sniffing things.  Usually however, it's closer to ½ a kilometre, to the park to walk through a woodlot and back .

Before getting covid, I had a pretty ingrained habit of getting at least 5 km in a day. Sometimes it was all at once. Sometimes it was a few kilometres to school, a few back, and then another few over lunch. Anything less felt well-- lazy.  After 10 days of slowing down to Jaeda’s senior citizen pace, I realize getting out for just a slow walk around the block can do just as much for my spirits and energy as a speedy 7 km loop around the city.  Also, I think having a dog as company on these walking ventures is also a big factor in the happiness level achieved. 

9. It's okay to walk zero kilometres a day.

Expanding on the last point a little more.  There were some days in my isolation where Jaeda was sore or the weather was rainy and miserable where it made no sense to break covid protocol and venture outside.  And while the first day this happened I felt pretty anxious , I did it and (obviously) nothing bad happened.  If anything, it felt freeing.  As much as it was a downer getting covid, especially at christmas time, in a way I am thankful that it forced me to face this very deceptive compulsion I have continued to hang onto.  As healthy of a  habit of walking every day is, the fact that I was doing it pretty compulsively was important for me to break. 

10.  After a long time of not being around other people, it starts to matter less what they might think.

In isolation I didn’t wear makeup for the whole 10 days.  I also did not wear anything but pajamas (and pole shorts) for most of that 10 days either.  At first, the exception was putting on a pair of leggings to go walk the dog.  But in the latter half of my isolation period, I found myself not caring enough to get up and change out of my pjs and would simply throw on a coat over my fuzzy plaid pj bottoms before leaving the house.  After doping it once, I did it every time.  I didn’t even feel silly.  I just felt like a girl walking her dog in her pajamas and I owned it. 

I came out of isolation on the eve of December 23rd, just in time to celebrate christmas with my family. In some ways, it was a very convenient circumstance of covid. But I am still happy its over.

Out of isolation, Christmas morning. Jaeda was happy too.

How was your covid christmas?

xoxo

Jordan

Growing versus Growing Up (Thoughts after 27 Years around the Sun)

This week I turned 27.  It’s not a big milestone birthday, but in that way it almost feels more weighted.  27 is significant in how seamlessly I now classify as someone in their “late twenties.” There is little novelty and pomp around this birthday, the way it was around 21 or 25. Turning 27, I am not old by any means, but I am no longer “new” to adulthood. I am all grown up.

Except not really.

In a lot of ways, I feel brand new to this adult existence.  

In terms of the place I am at and what I have accomplished so far in life, I am still young. I have friends who are the same age and yet not young in the same way, settled with partners sharing bedrooms, lives, mortgages, and even families. Friends with jobs that have benefits and yearly incomes, who talk about market prices in the city vs. the surrounding areas, and go furniture shopping not out of necessity but by choice.  

It’s not that I feel unaccomplished or wish I was at that point in my life. If anything, I wish that I could remain in the fresh-out-of-school, finding-yourself-stage for a little while longer.  I feel like I’m not done with my days of being untethered. 

And I don’t mean in terms of relationships.  I mean untethered to a single path or direction or vision of my life and way it is being shaped.  

I got off to a late start in my adult life.

I spent the majority of my teens and early twenties with an eating disorder, which caused me to miss out on the kinds of connections and memories that can only come from spontaneous nights out that end drunk ordering pizza to someone’s apartment. And then entering recovery, I essentially surrendered my independence to my family and treatment team in order to get better.

So while all my friends were moving out and starting careers, I was on temporary leave, living in my childhood bedroom, on a strict recovery meal plan enforced and implemented by my parents. While other 24 year olds were updating their CVs and planning travel adventures, I was completing a daily meal log to be reviewed and approved by my therapist and dietician.

After two years of family-based treatment, I was finally healthy enough to step into my independence and grow into the next chapter of my life. So at 25, I moved out of my parents’ house for the first time and landed myself in a house full of roommates. I was doing things for the first time on my own, like shopping and paying for groceries, making rent each month, and washing my sheets. It was a learning curve, and a little unnerving. 

I felt like an 18-year old off to my first year of college.  Instead I was 25, with a new teaching contract with the Toronto school board, a masters degree, and a meal log. 

I am only now at 27 starting to feel like I have found a bit of a rhythm in this adultness of life.  I no longer go into whirls of anxiety over grocery shopping, or the idea of budgeting for household items like paper towel and toilet paper. 

I pay my rent each month automatically a day before its due, and I recently took on my own phone bill too (thanks dad).  I like coming home to my house of four roommates, flopping onto the couch with a glass of wine and lamenting about that guy I liked who turned out to be an asshole. I like having a contract teaching a certain grade at a certain school, with a definite start and end, because I like the idea that there is something different that comes after. 

I still follow DJs and entertainment groups on instagram, because I am still holding out for another summer of music festivals and events, which I only got to taste in my eating disorder, and put on hold in my recovery. 

Now I want to sink my teeth in.  

However, I also feel the pull of solid ground beneath my feet, to find one centre of gravity.  I’ve spent years floating, orbiting erratically,  attached to many things but never something solid enough to keep me flying.

And this groundedness will NOT come from chasing highs at music festivals, a new fitness goal, or a living arrangement. 

This groundedness will be found when I surrender to the process of accepting myself as I am, where I am, and where I am going. 

I am 27. I am no lo longer a little girl, an angsty teen or a university student still “figuring it out.”  I am a woman, strong and independent, who has been through enough of life to know what is worth pursuing and what to let go of in that greater pursuit.  

I don’t need to force myself into a mold, or meet a certain deadline.

I don’t need to manipulate my body to look a certain way. Equating beauty to worth is unsustainable happiness.  For even if I managed to get my body close to the standard I may have in my head, it will only be a short matter of time before gravity and the the sun take their toll and kick off the natural aging process that our society demonizes.  And so, at 27, I am grateful for the health and youth of my body as it is right now. 

I will live this year and the ones going forward without restricting myself in any way. 

I am shifting the narrative-- rather than making my body my masterpiece, I will focus on making my life my masterpiece instead.  My body is simply the instrument that will get me there. 

A few years ago, I   had no vision or understanding of my life beyond the moment I was in.  Each day felt like a mountain I needed to scale, and it felt impossible to picture anything realistic beyond that.  But now, the path I am travelling is infinitely less steep.  I can see a little further ahead of me, and I can start to map it out a little. 

I don’t need to pin down the exact route, or even specific destination, but I can at least choose a direction, and commit to the journey to get there.  

I do not have any big concrete goals for this year, especially with all the external uncertainty at present (thanks covid!). 

I am not expecting a permanent teaching job to come within my grasp, I am not planning some extravagant travel adventure, or even changing my relationship status. 

I am not opposed to any of these things happening this year, but if they don’t, I will NOT feel like I’ve failed in any way.  

Rather than make goals for the year, I am shifting my focus to the way I live every day.  If I can go to bed every night feeling like I did the best I could to make the most of each moment that day, I’ll be making this year a smashing success.  It’s the little steps, NOT the big leaps, to which I’m devoting my attention.  

Ultimately,  my goal for 27 is to  make every day count.

I’m living for the journey, relishing the good parts of everyday, not postponing celebration for some elusive destination.  

Dating at 2 Metres Apart (Finding Connection Without Getting Close)

Im seeing this guy right now.  If it was different circumstances, I might even consider it a relationship.  However, attempting to establish a connection with someone new while also adhering to social distance guidelines has turned something already as complicated and frustrating as dating into a whole new beast.

Back in March, when this pandemic was just taking off the ground, I basically deleted all the dating apps on my phone.  There was no room in my mind to think about dating or making new connections when getting groceries and securing toilet paper was already anxiety-inducing.

For two months I saw no one outside of my family who lived with me, and the occasional friend at a distance. There were no parties or dance floors or groups of people mingling in parks. Even passing people at the store or on the street assumed a new kind of etiquette, a closed-mouth smile, with minimal words being very conscious of spit particles of contagion. I didn’t realize how much I craved those spontaneous interactions and encounters with other humans outside of my own circle.

Seeing only the same few faces all the time, my world started feeling uncomfortably small and uneventful, and my own existence so lonely and disconnected, that I found myself swiping. 

At first, I didn’t even have any real intention of meeting any of the guys that messaged me.  I was just looking to see that there were others and experiences that existed beyond my own small suburban radius of activity. I heard some people had started doing dates over zoom or video calling, but I find it hard enough engaging with people I know through that medium, let alone a relative stranger.  

I swiped left— a lot. But I was surprised when I found myself swiping right on several occasions.  A couple conversations felt real and compelling enough that I felt willing to meet, while keeping a two meter distance apart. 

By that time, I had already expanded my own social activities to including meeting up with a handful of friends at parks, or for a social distance walk or hike, and so I simply applied the same guidelines to my “match” meet-ups:  two meters apart, no sharing food or drinks, stay outside, in uncrowded places. 

The reality of social distanced dating does not quite fit so neatly in a sentence. So here is my list of tips and tricks for dating during Covid-19.

Dating During Quarantine: Tips and Lessons

1. People have different ideas about social distancing, and how to do it. If you’re concerned for yourself or members of your household, it helps to be upfront with what you’re comfortable with before the actual meet up. Walking into a date where you committed to a two metre rule, only to find yourself dodging an unsolicited hug upon arrival sets in some unwanted friction before you even get to hello. It’s much easier to convey your expectations and code of conduct while texting the location of where to meet— not after a moment of awkward miscommunication.

2. The less interested you are in a guy, the easier you will find it to stay socially distanced. If twenty minutes into a date you realize you never necessarily need to see that person again, you will likely not be fighting urges to jump in their arms, or even hug goodbye. And you won’t be overly worries about how your own safety guidelines might be coming off as “rude” or “standoffish.”

3. The more connected or attracted you feel, the more likely you will find yourself tempted to break your own rules.

    Buyer beware. If you’re falling head over heels for the person you are seeing, it may be more difficult to follow through on your initial plan of action (or inaction). Here is where this pandemic  takes on the role of villain or antagonist in what may seem to be the seedling of a romantic tragedy.  After a few weeks of “social distance” dates with a guy I was falling for quite heavily, I found myself scribing descriptions of our ill-fated romance in my head: a love stronger than a virus. or worth the risk: a corona connection.  There was a few weeks that I was walking a very fine line to throwing all of my social distance rules out the window.  If I hadn’t been living at home at the time with my 60 year old parents, 84 year old grandfather, and hypochondriac sister, I probably would have.  However, I did have the rationality to let the respect for the health of my family preside over what I now recognize to be something more like puppy love.

4. Dating at 2 metres apart brings a whole new realm of awkwardness and insecurity.

   The first date its early enough to settle in to the no contact rule.  However, if you like each other, and continue meeting up, keeping distance becomes a gateway for other anxieties.  You’ve already covered all the basics about each other in conversation, work, family, pets, hobbies, current events, etc. and have probably shared some stories about travelling or your dog or the dumb thing your colleague did. In a covid-free world, this is the point where touching would just start to come naturally: sitting close on the same side of a table, holding hands walking on the street, a hug hello, and maybe a kiss good night. The “seeing each other” stage during social distancing involves a lot more talking.  So much more that it had me questioning my initial attraction, frustration that I was not able to act on it when I wanted to, and doubt and confusion about what the hell we were doing here anyways?

Dating Apps During Quarantine

I used to use dating apps mostly for physical connection-- I wanted to feel wanted.  This pandemic has obliterated that physical aspect, leaving us to rely upon little else than our feelings and emotions, and our thoughts and words as foundations of that connection.

Its strange, and often infuriating. It feels unfair that something as innocent as hug or a kiss is practically illegal. 

However, it is not completely a bad thing.

The Silver-Lining

I’ve dated people before for longer than I should have, mistaking the physical connection for real substance or potential.  Guys that were quick to hold my hand, greet me with a hug and a kiss, made me feel wanted, and I liked that feeling so much I didn’t always realize I liked the person significantly less. Yeah, a few weeks of long conversations and waved goodbyes denies the opportunity for testing out the waters of physical attraction.

And I’m not referring to sex here. Simply the small acts of touch, from holding hands, sitting close together, an arm around a shoulder, a hand on a knee. Little things, that can send a little zing through you if that attraction is there.  And if there’s no zing, that’s all the information you need.  

However, sometimes, you don’t recognize that zing of attraction until that first touch, whether it be a hug or a kiss or a hand on your shoulder.  And that is where the two metres apart rule makes it tricky.  You can get along super well, talk for hours on end, and think maybe, maybe, you’re attracted to that person, but unsure at a distance that feels so close yet so far. 

So how do you deal with it? 

I’m figuring that out myself, slowly. The answer is NOT to say “fuck it all,” throw caution to the wind, and fling your arms around them proclaiming the strength and power of love.  That’s called being an irresponsible human, especially if you live with anyone in the vulnerable population (ie. your parents over 50).  

It also is NOT giving up on dating, and professing your vows of singledom until the end of the pandemic (unless that is exactly what you feel you need- all the power to you). 

I suppose the answer is to keep treading forward, slowly, one day and one week at a time. 

Keep meeting for those social distance walks or park dates.  Have those three hour conversations.  If you find yourselves running out of things to talk about after 4 or 5 dates, what will your conversation be like 5 months or even 5 years from now in a long-term relationship?   That might be a sign that you are not fated for one another, and its probably a good thing you did not move faster any sooner. 

However, if several dates and weeks in you only find yourself more attracted and connected to a person, you can start having discussions about how to move forward together.  Maybe it is each person getting tested, and if both negative, including that person in your pod of less than ten (the current Ontario regulation).  Or if the sizes of your pods are pushing it already,  pack up on a camping trip together or a cottage stay, making a plan to get tested and isolate until each of your results come back to protect your loved ones.  

In the meantime, you’ll be building a rock solid personal connection, making the next steps all that more exciting.  

And if you are getting more frustrated than excited by the prospect of dating -- or the prospects themselves-- this is also a good time to dedicate your energy to simply your own growth and endeavors.  Just like some of the best workouts follow a good week or two of rest, some time away from dating can be just the thing to reset and renew your own mental and emotional well-being.  

In a nutshell, you do you.  Don’t speed ahead only to regret it later. Be here, now, and be picky about who you want to spend this present with.  

To my single pringles out there, how are you navigating dating right now?

And to my happily involved friends, how is your relationship affected by social distancing?

Keep seeking the sunshine,

Jordan xoxo

The Parent Trap: The Challenges of Quarantining Back at Home (as an adult).

During this pandemic I have been quarantining with my family at my parents’ house in the suburbs for the past six weeks.  While I am grateful to be with family during this time, and not being completely isolated, it brews a whole other pot of challenges. The last time we were all living together under one roof for a substantial period of time was over five years ago, while we “kids” were all still in school. With each of us having spent a couple years out of the nest and in our own independent routines, now coming back together around the dinner table, sharing bathrooms, and claiming work space has caused some tension to say the least.  More than that, is the added challenge of dealing with some of my own emotional shit that seems to have resurfaced with coming back to my childhood home.

finding a quiet workspace while quarantining in a house of people is challenging.

And I know that I am not the only one. Our family, and our homes, can be a place we feel comfortable. But there is a fine line between “comfortable” and “comfort zone.” Right now, many of us are being tested by our living situations, with repercussions both on our own personal well-being, as well as on our relationships.

So let’s begin by digging in to some of the greatest challenges I’ve been facing since being back home.

Challenges about Quarantining at Home with Family:

1. Food disappears.  Those leftovers you put away last night, thinking they would be a great lunch the next day?  Well unless you’re getting up to eat them at 7 am, they’re gone. 

2. Constant dishes.  Before coming back to this house, my roommates and I used to run our dishwasher once every one or two days.  There was never a pile up of dishes because we always did our own. Now, with six adult appetites in the house and family meals, our dishwasher is going at least twice a day… and still there is a pileup in the sink.

3. Staking out workspace.  Everyone here is either working or studying from home right now, or both.  We have a big house with multiple rooms. And yet still it seems there is a constant musical chairs of who is working where based on where the best light is, if there’s people making noise in other parts of the house, or if the wifis acting up. Which bring me to the next point…

4. Wifi hogging.   Despite countless calls to our provider, our wifi always seems to be a little finicky, even before all of us were home.  These days with six of us on multiple devices, we’re finding that we need to reset the router multiple times a day. It turns out we are all enslaved to internet in isolation: whether it be working on the computer, scrolling social media, on zoom chats, watching netflix, or playing online Catan, it seems there is never a time we are NOT connected.

5. Falling back into old patterns. This is the largest challenge of all, and the most difficult to overcome. What these old patterns or habits are will very from person to person.  For my mother, it is feeling like she is responsible for feeding and cleaning up for everyone as if we were still young kids, and not full grown adults perfectly capable of feeding and caring for ourselves.  For us “kids”, it is often reverting back into that role, and not pulling the same weight around the house as we were when living independently.  

“Old Habits Die Hard”- Environmental Triggers and Wired Thought Patterns

Old patterns aren’t just in relation to family roles, but may also resurface as old neural pathways light up again, triggered by a return to a familiar environment.  The first week I was back home I started to fall into some old unhealthy habits that used to define my days when I was living at home full time, and very much in the thick of an eating disorder. But after a few days of skipping lunch, and going a little overboard on exercise, and feeling totally unbalanced (and like mental shit), I recognized what was happening and committed myself to a more sustainable routine.  It took me by surprise, because many of those thoughts and behaviours never crossed my mind living downtown. It was something about being back in the place where I was engaging in those patterns that caused them to resurface. However, the most significant change was simply awareness. Recognizing what I was doing as being counterproductive and not in line with the person I wanted to be.  

Being back in your childhood home can often bring back old patterns of behaviours- some not so healthy

For you, it could be other kinds of thoughts or behaviours that are resurfacing.  Maybe you are finding yourself less patient or picking fights or more critical of the people you are living with.  Maybe you are finding that your room or workspace is getting more cluttered or messy, looking more like it may have when you were living in it as a teenager.  Or maybe you are finding yourself sleeping in late into the morning (or afternoon) and staying up much too late without doing anything very productive.  

Whatever your old habits may be, if you find them resurfacing during this time, don’t beat yourself up over it.  Understand WHY it is happening, and commit yourself to rewire those neural pathways.

Have self-compassion, but don’t let your brain pull one over on you either.  Make the changes, little or big, that you need to, in order to keep in line with the person you want to be.  

For me, that meant making myself a schedule that had me eating breakfast within an hour of waking up each day, and then eating something every three hours to keep my brain from reverting back to that feast or famine mentality that I was operating in for most of my eating disorder.  It also meant not doing the same exercise, varying the kinds and amounts, each day, so none became compulsive. Several weeks in, it still means deliberately choosing to walk LESS than the day before, or do a restorative flow instead of a core class, just to remind my brain that we aint doing that exercise obsession thing anymore.  

Making little changes in your daily routine can make a big difference in your mental health 

So, think about your habits:

What habits are you happy with?

How might you be thinking or behaving that is NOT in line with the person that you want to be?

What tangible steps can you take to change those thoughts or behaviours?  

I am NOT talking about drastic lifestyle changes.  If you want to change sleeping in till noon and watching netflix til 3, Try setting your alarm for 10.  Schedule a zoom call or a social distance walk with a friend for 11. The next week, set your alarm for 9.  And so on.  

You are the master of your mind, and in turn, you are the master of your actions.  This time in isolation is by no means easy, whether you are isolating on your own or with family. 

You have two options: (1) You can either just cope, ride out the quarantine with your eyes closed until its over.  Or (2), you can use this place of discomfort to grow, to strengthen your character, enhance your self-awareness, and build your resilience.  

And if you commit to that overall big picture of who you want to be, how you want your relationships to be, once this is all over, you will come out of this a stronger, happier person than you were going in.  

Stay healthy, friends,

Jordan 

Xoxo

The Quarantine Fifteen Part II: MythBusting

**This post is about diet culture. If you are a person with a very healthy relationship with exercise, and don’t think too much about what you eat, this post may not interest you. Good on you- keep doing you and check back for my next post.

If you ARE interested in learning to navigate the messages about health and fitness bouncing around the web like a beach ball at a Nickelback concert, keep reading.**

---

With gyms closed, and many people working at home in close proximity to refrigerators, gaining weight during this social quarantine is becoming a prevalent concern.  As I discussed in my last post, this idea of the “quarantine-fifteen” is perpetuating some fitness and weight loss propaganda from which companies in the health and fitness industry are profiting. 

I am NOT writing this post because I have some sort of personal vendetta against any of these companies or individuals. I love being active, and feeling healthy and strong in my body.  But coming from a decade long struggle with anorexia, I know how harmful some of these messages can be when taken a bit too seriously. Especially when many of these weight loss “hacks” really work the opposite way they were intended.  

During my recovery, I devoured (pun not intended) countless studies, articles, podcasts, and other research regarding bodyweight, metabolism and exercise, desperate to understand what exactly I had to do to be healthy- mentally and physically.  There’s a lot of conflicting information out there. However, a constant throughout was that extreme diets or “lifestyles” do not work long-term.

For every study that there is saying why one food is the the key to eternal youth (ie. coconut oil), there is another claiming it to be the devil (ie. coconut oil). I am no expert. I can’t tell you the best way to eat or exercise or “be healthy.” This is because there is not one best way. There is only the best way for you.

For the past couple years, I have committed myself to eating unrestricted, relearning what it means to eat intuitively, and rebuilding a new relationship with exercise. I still have some rewiring left to do, but my mindset towards food and exercise is much healthier and infinitely less consuming than it has been. 

We live in a diet culture.  Its only when I actively forced myself to step outside of it that I could truly see some of the bulls*** that is being conveyed as “healthy living.” 

So let’s get down to it and dispel some myths about weight gain and the “quarantine fifteen.”

Myth-Busting: Weight-Loss Edition

1. Dieting will make you lose weight

   In the short term, yes. Eating in a caloric deficit will make you lose weight. A lot of it water and muscle, but the scale will go down.  HOWEVER, within a few months, or even weeks, depending on how much you restrict your intake, evolutionary biology will kick in. Your body will feel the threat of famine, and will fight every way it can to make up the energy it is not getting.  This may mean slowing down metabolism, increasing hunger hormones, and signaling your brain to obsess over food in a way you never did before you started dieting. You will likely find yourself more prone to cravings, overeating, and even bingeing. Whether its restricting certain food groups, eating “cleaner”, or simply cutting calories, making certain foods (or amounts of foods) “off-limits” will only make them even more tempting and irresistible.

2. Intermittent fasting is the best way to diet without being on a diet.

   If you are a person that tends to be less hungry waking up in the morning, there’s nothing wrong in waiting a few hours upon waking before breaking the fast.  However, if you are overriding your body’s innate hunger cues in favour of the time on a clock, and not eating until your stomach is eating itself (or you have been hungry for so long, the hunger is passed) you are not doing yourself any favours.  As mentioned above, overriding your body’s innate hunger may cause your brain to adopt a “feast or famine” mentality, making you over-fixate on food. This makes it much harder to tune into your body’s intuitive cues, and to stop before all the cookies are gone.

   Intermittent fasting can also wreak havoc on your hormones, especially if you are female. Chronic low blood sugar in the morning can cause a spike in cortisol, a stress hormone that can inhibit the production of estrogen and other important reproductive hormones.  In my eating disorder I was “intermittent fasting” before it was even a thing, and I did not have a monthly cycle for over eight years (If that’s TMI, sorry, but not sorry. … I’ll talk more about my experience with Hypothalamic Amenhorrea in another post).

3. High intensity workouts are the key to weight loss. 

   Some studies have shown a minimal increase in metabolic rate following sessions of intensive exercise or HIIT workouts.  However, the lingering caloric burn for several hours afterwards is minimal. A 45 minute cardio burn session is not a free pass to all the donuts you can eat for the rest of the day. Especially when that exercise intensity could be wreaking havoc with your hormones and hunger cues. High-intensity workouts or excessive cardio can cause a huge spike in cortisol just the way intermittent fasting can, as well as raise levels of the hormones that regulate your hunger and appetite. This makes many people ravenous throughout the day, and prone to eating more than feels good.
   

   Before you come at me, I am NOT saying that it’s never a good idea to work hard in your workouts. Some people can incorporate some HIIT training in their week quite healthily. But if you are feeling a little run down or over-hungry or have any symptoms of hormonal imbalance, you may want to think about the type of exercise you are doing.
   
   

4. Not exercising = gaining weight. 

   This all depends on your set point weight, and if you are using exercise as a way to hold your body at a weight below where it is optimally healthy. If you are at a weight where your body is optimally healthy and happy, and you aren’t following any kind of rules or lifestyle to maintain, working out less for a month or two really won’t make any noticeable changes to your body. However, If you are holding your body below its natural set point or happy place, through diet or exercise, and you decrease the amount of activity that you are doing, regardless of what you are eating, your weight may start to creep upwards. This is your body gravitating to its set point, the weight that only your body gets to decide is its optimal healthy place.

   The beautiful thing about being at your set point is that even a few weeks or months without exercise, and eating a normal, unrestricted diet, is that you will NOT gain weight. Your body will keep you within a ~few pounds of that comfortable weight, and will raise or lower metabolism accordingly to adjust to your energy intake and output.

** I didn’t go into much detail about these things, because I’m sure many of you already have a pretty healthy and balanced mindset when it comes to these things.  But if you are interested in a little more of the science and expertise backing these concepts, I’ll leave some links at the bottom of this post. **

It’s Not About Changing your Body. It’s Changing your Mindset.

Essentially, adopting a “diet mentality” and over-fixating on food or exercise is NOT how to escape the “quarantine-fifteen.”

And again, even if you do lose some muscle or put on a few pounds, who really cares? Your body is just trying to cope with the new stresses and threats in our external environment, (ie. global pandemic).  It is healthy and normal to go through periods of rest and recovery. From animals preparing for winter, to athletes detraining or moving into off season, it's okay to not be in peak athletic form year round, and for bodies to change. 

This guy’s got the right idea.

Nourish yourself with lots of sleep, good food, and self-compassion.  Remember that health encompasses more than your physical body. Take care of your mind, your spirit and your soul (Pro-tip: Chocolate keeps the dementors away). 

Let me know in the comments if you want more posts about these kinds of things. I will probably post more about my experience in the future. If there’s anything in particular you want to know more about, fire away. I could probably write a book or two (or a hundred) about anything food, fitness, or recovery related…

In the meantime, stay tuned for some more procrasti-baking recipes and isolation inspiration coming down the pipe shortly! 

(social distance) Hugs, 

Jordan

More on Set Point Theory and Diets

https://www.healthline.com/health/set-point-theory#body-weight-set-point

https://www.floliving.com/intermittent-fasting/

https://tabithafarrar.com/2020/04/you-were-never-supposed-to-be-micro-managing-your-food-intake/

https://fitonapp.com/fitness/the-truth-behind-why-your-hiit-workouts-may-not-be-working/

https://www.thereallife-rd.com/2017/05/finding-healthy-set-point/

The “Quarantine Fifteen”— Gaining Weight during Isolation

If you have been on any form of social media these past couple weeks, you may have come across one of the countless posts, memes, or tweets about gaining the covid-nineteen, or the quarantine-fifteen. Essentially, these puns stem from the idea that staying home is making us fat.

Some of these posts are pure humour, outrageous memes of people “before” quarantine and “after.” Maybe they are a little crude, but harmless, and provide a good chuckle.

Other posts take this quarantine fifteen a bit more seriously.  Many influencers, fitness studios, and other health or wellness companies are perpetuating this fear of the “quarantine fifteen” to get us to subscribe to things like at-home sculpt workouts, HIIT classes, or virtual spin subscriptions.  My feed is filled with posts and videos entitled “What I eat in Isolation to not gain weight” or “Quarantine Exercise Regime.”

These individuals provide us with “health hacks”, from morning green smoothies, to water fasts, to DIY basement gyms, oh so benevolently saving us from our gluttonous, lazy selves, who would undoubtedly be lying on the couch on our third bag of chips had we not been gifted with the details of their regime.   

a screenshot of a few of the hundreds of videos on youtube about staying “healthy” while in isolation

Don’t get me wrong.  Eating healthy is important, and working out is great for your mind and body.   I’ve been doing tons of yoga and pilates and other classes with some of my favourite instructors during this isolation period, and the sense of community and connection I get from these sessions is invaluable.  

HOWEVER, the problem I have with this new rise of at-home fitness and clean eating regimes is how it is often being marketed as the antidote to not gaining weight-- and implying the loss of fitness while we are at home to be shameful.  

A couple things.  First, we are in the midst of a global pandemic.  I won’t get too morbid here, as the media is already doing a fabulous job of keeping us up with the rising death tolls across the world each day, but in a nutshell, the disease is spreading. People are sick, and people are dying.  People are dying alone, and families are grieving loved ones without being able to come together to support each other. Hospitals are running out of supplies, and there are not enough ventilators to support all the cases that come to hospital that could recover otherwise.  We are all at risk. Even going to the grocery store endangers ourselves and our families. 

Many of us are also facing other challenges, such as losing income, being unable to pay rent and other bills, or being catapulted into new roles of homeschool teacher  and/or caregiver. Not to mention, the tremendous toll on our own mental and emotional wellbeing during this scary time. 

Second, pandemic aside, is gaining weight or losing fitness really that terrible? Putting on a few extra pounds or not making any new PRs over the next few months should not be a moral sin.

The people who love you, who want you to be safe and healthy during this pandemic do not care if you can fit into your tightest pair of jeans right now. Let’s be honest, who’s actually wearing real pants these days? Your dog doesn’t care about your quad development. Your zoom chats or face-times with your friends will not be any more fun or meaningful if you ran 10 kilometres beforehand, or you are following a keto diet religiously.

Yes, staying healthy is important. Sleep is important. Eating a good and balanced diet is important. Moving your body in a way that feels good, that serves you mentally and physically, is important. None of that has to do with weight.

During this time, you need to do whatever is healthy, mentally and physically, for you.  

Just because Karen manages her mental health by running 25 kilometers every morning, refueling with a smoothie bowl, and doing back to back Zoom HIIT classes everyday, does not mean you can’t eat the cookies your sister baked.   

Meet yourself where you are at.  Get some fresh air, (while being safe and social distancing), move your body in a way that feels good, for however long or short you have.  Watch your favourite Netflix shows (Schitt’s Creek is my latest obsession), read that book (Harry Potter- any one) that’s been sitting on your nightstand for a year and a half, start that craft or hobby that you’ve been threatening to do when things “calm down”, or bake some bread (or cinnamon buns!), because God knows you have the time to wait for yeast to rise right now,

Doing a lot of knitting these days and not mad about it.

The worst thing that might happen is you put on a couple pounds.  Its not like you are training for the olympics. And even if you are, you’ve got at least a whole year to get back in competing form for when the olympics have been rescheduled in 2021.

Health is not the same as fitness. Health is not gaining or losing weight. As long as you are nourishing your mind, your body, and your emotional well-being during this isolation, the “quarantine-fifteen'“ got nothing on you.

Stay healthy, friends,

xoxo

-Jordan