Thirty Things For Thirty
Its Leo season. And tomorrow, I turn Thirty. Its funny. I cried when I turned 19, because I was so scared over getting old. But with every birthday since then, it gets a little easier.
A couple years ago, I couldn’t even imagine being 30. I thought I was destined for a breakdown. And yet here I am, 1 day away, and honestly, I am feeling okay. I wouldn’t say I’m ecstatic. The thought of leaving my 20’s behind makes me a little sad.
So much growth happens in your twenties, with so many experiences of adulting being thrown your way, its the time of figuring out who we are and want we want and how to thrive away from the identity we found in the realm of high school and our family homes. It feels like by the end of our twenties, the time to experiment and explore who we are has come to an end.
By thirty we are just living in that existence we have made for ourselves. At least thats what I used to think.
At the beginning of my twenties, it felt like it would last forever.
Here I am, 29 and 364 days, and I promise you I still have so much more growth and exploring left to do. And I am perfectly okay with that. I am in such a different place right now than I could ever have imagined I would be even 2 years ago. I didn’t even know this was the life I wanted, filled with the beautiful humans and animals that have become so important to me, that I didnt even know existed until recently.
29 has been a year of so much beautiful change and growth for me. I went from being a single girl in the city, trotting down king west in the wee hours of the morning with an entourage of fellow 20’s era females. I was living in a 2 bedroom condo, making close friends of neighbours and roommates, and biking all over the city to attend pole classes, meet up on patios, and get myself to work.
It kind of felt like I was making up for lost time, since there was a good chunk of 5 years that was stolen from me by anorexia, where I was not able to go out and make new connections or live on my own, or take part in spontaneous adventures. I chose to wrap myself up in a relationship and anorexia, rather than to nurture other friendships in my life, or explore opportunities to make new ones.
So when I was 28 and more free than I had been ever before, I was able to do everything I had missed.
And in the process, I found myself staring my future in the eye, in the rain and neon lights of a music festival on Canada Day. (Thank you, electric island )
EI magic.
One year later, I am gone from my rented condo, and city girl life. I am in a serious and committed relationship with someone who makes me feel like I can be anything I want to be, and cares for me in a way that does not undercut my indepeendence. Now, we have just bought our first home together. We live in Barrie, which is so different than the buzz and business of Toronto, but a thriving and beautiful place that I am growing to love more and more each day.
Closing day!
When I found V —or we found each other—I was also adopted into his circle of friends which are more like family. We live in our house with 2 of them, and 2 pretty kitties, and the four (plus 2) of us function like a little family unit, and I feel like I am finally finding that sense of closeness and connection that I never managed to find for so many years in my early twenties.
Adventures with my adopted Barrie Family (and co-owners!)
I never predicted this for me. I never tried to make it happen. I had no plan to be a home owner, or in a serious committed relationship, or to be moved out of the city. But it happened, so organically and spontaneously, simply by being curious and going with my intuition and saying yes when it felt right, even if it scared me.
And I am so freaking happy that it did.
feeling good at my birthday dinner at B’Spoke bar in Barrie.
By the time you are reading this, I will officially be 30. All the pain and passion and growth of my 20’s will be behind me. But I am so ready for this decade to be full of NEW growth, and love and adventure as I navigate this new era of my life. I may officially be an adult, now in my third decade, but I am starting to realize learning and growth and exploration are things that don’t end no matter how old you get.
Never too old to marvel at a double rainbow after the rain
To make the most of my 30th year, and to keep my momentum going to continue to seek out growth and adventure, I made myself a little list.
Thirty things, of varying types and intensities that I want to experience and check off in this year of being Thirty. Some I hope to accomplish over these next few weeks of birthday celebrations, and the rest, to be pursued over time (for example, breaking 30 kilometres of hiking into more reasonable chunks).
a draft in my bullet journal of this list.
Heres to being thirty (not too) flirty, and thriving.
Which of these things are you putting on your list?
Love and light,
-Jae xoxo
Never too old to celebrate a birthday mini putting with goats
Thirty Things for Thirty
Hike 30 kilometres
Go pet camping OR hiking with the cat and the dog
Go on a wine tasting tour by bicycle
Go on a camping trip
Do a pole photo shoot
Make and perform a pole routine
Go horseback riding
Do a vaulting lesson
Get a facial and start a skin care routine
Do a contortion class
Go to a music festival
Go to a concert
Ride a bull at the Ranch
Spend a day at a spa
Eat at a Michelin-rated restaurant
Spend a few days in Montreal
Enjoy a bougie and boozey brunch
Go on a shopping spree
Do a bar or pub crawl
Go to Pursuit OCR
Go to a rooftop bar
Have a beach day
Take dance lessons
Have a paint night
Marie Kondo my room/wardrobe
Host or invite my parents to dinner
Get an astrological reading
Do a spontaneous adventure roadtrip
Have a cottage weekend with friends
Do some kind of walk/run/bike ride for charity
The Truth about Truths: Embracing and Navigating Contradiction in and Beyond Recovery
Something I learned in therapy was that two things can be true at the same time. It can be that the way someone else views something may completely contradict the way you see it, but ultimately both views are true because both of you are experiencing it. This two truths concept also applies to thoughts and beliefs we host within ourselves.
A lot of the therapy I underwent for my eating disorder recovery focused on identifying and embracing these kinds of insistent contradictions.
For example, one truth I held steadfastly was, “I don’t want an eating disorder.” And another equally real truth I had was “I am scared to give up my eating disorder.”
The key to being able to navigate both truths is to embrace them both— NOT set them up in conflict to one another. The first step is as simple and as subtle as word choice when speaking or even thinking about them.
We tend to use “but” when comparing two things that seem to contradict one another:
“I don’t want an eating disorder BUT I am scared to give it up.”
However, something changes when you replace that “but” for “and”:
“I don’t want an eating disorder, AND I am afraid to give it up.”
The latter validates both perceptions but does NOT so planitively put one above the other.
“But” infers that the fear is stronger than the will to live without an ED. “And” allows the possibility to be afraid, but do it anyways.
There is a story about a warrior and his meeting with fear, taught by Pema Chodron. The ultimate revelation the young warrior comes away with from this meeting is that bravery is NOT the absence of fear; It is feeling the fear, BELIEVING it, with every cell in your body, and facing it anyways.
It is not: “I want to, BUT I am afraid.” It is: “I want to, AND I am afraid.”
Unlike the former, which almost immediately dismisses any action, the latter births the opportunity for both truths to coexist, and for the fear to be conquered.
I am not currently in therapy, and I’m not really “recovering” anymore, but I am still living in this place of navigating two truths.
A big one right now that I hold is: “I am so grateful to have made it this far in my recovery, AND I am sometimes nostalgic for the identity my eating disorder gave me.”
Another is: “I am proud of my body, and I love being healthy AND I often think I would be happier if I lost weight.”
Sometimes these truths are even more specific to a moment. Take this past week for example, when I took a spontaneous trip to a family cottage for some r&r by the lake. I was having repeating thoughts of “I really want to get a good sweat from a workout AND I want to relax and do nothing.”
And on a similar train: “I feel guilty and not hungry for dinner from eating so many appetizers on the dock AND I am still looking forward to eating more at dinner.”
It’s hard, honestly, navigating these two often equally compelling voices. Ultimately, the healthier one always drowns out the one I know instinctively is rooted in my ED neural pathways. That’s what makes it uncomfortable. Continuing to eat, and rest, and attempt to feel happy and at ease in my skin, and to NOT fixate on what I eat or how much I weigh, while simultaneously living with this feeling that I “should” be doing a lot of the things that I used to do (a lot of things that a lot of people without EDs do: opting for “healthier” options, watching what they eat, having a strict workout regime, etc.)
Sometimes, it feels like I’m driving backwards on the highway, trying to live up to the healthier truth.
Even though I am pretty good at this point at doing the right things for my mental and physical health, there are still moments when it seems like the wrong thing.
Restricting and exercise were always a quick fix for any larger stressor in my life.
Fighting with my family? Don’t eat dinner.
Feeling sad or lonely that I didn’t have plans on a friday night? Go for a run.
Realizing how lonely I am, feeling disconnected from all my friends? Try even harder to change my body, thinking if I looked the way I thought I “should” look, I would be more likable, more loveable, and regain those kinds of connections I had thwarted.
None of these quick fixes ever really fixed anything, obviously. They only led me further into my eating disorder and farther from the kind of connection and happiness I was seeking.
So I do realistically and rationally understand that attempting to change my body, or start actively controlling my food or exercise is NOT the answer to any of my concerns today. But (or and, as I should say), I still have fleeting thoughts that these behaviours will.
I’m writing this blog post right now to remind myself of this ultimate truth: two things can be totally contradictory and still coexist equally as truths. Feelings are real, and valid, but they do NOT need to dictate our actions. We can feel the fear, believe it, and face it anyways.
Hopefully this reminder might render itself useful for you too.
What are some conflicting or contrasting beliefs that you hold? How might replacing that “but” with “and” alter your perception of how to navigate them? Often the right path is the hardest one to take.
Don’t sell yourself short by opting for the road that feels easiest in the moment, but ultimately never gets you to the place you wanted to get to in the first place.
Embrace the “and.” Do the hard thing. And in the moments where you fall victim to the contradiction, have the self-compassion and grace to pick yourself back up and carry on, because life is too short to live in debt to your own regrets anyways.
Love and light,
Jae
2022: A Year of Gains
2022 was a year I gained a lot. And I don’t just mean weight gains over the holidays. I am talking about the kind of mental, emotional, and yes, physical gains, that come when you open yourself to the opportunities that surround you.
This past year I have been gifted a lot of amazing experiences. I travelled (several times) to weddings, as well as a trip to Vegas.
I competed in my first pole competition for PSO Canada East.
I adopted a kitten who has become a well know adventure cat.
I got a permanent teaching position, raising me above the uncertainty of daily and long term occassional work, and into a new salary range.
I also made a new circle of friends within my Toronto neighbourhood, including neighbours in my building to share laughs and blunts and even keys with whenever we need a pet fed or walked.
And perhaps most noteably, I found a partner who is essentially the male version of myself, and who I love more than everything I love put together.
Truly, Ive had a lot of gains this year, as you can see. But it doesnt stop there. With all thuis happiness that has come my way, I also gained weight. I’m not going into numbers here, and I am not trying to make it seem as if I gained so much that I would be unrecognizeable on the street, but I will say certain clothes that fit me other Christmases would be a squeeze this year.
Sometimes I see a picture of myself or a video and feel a twinge of guilt that I’ve let my body go— even minimally. But the truth is, I really don’t think I could have had all the experiences and other life gains this year if I hadn’t.
This year, I truly commited myself to prioritizing connections and making memories over controlling my body. I made the choice to go out for drinks or to concerts and skip a workout. I made the choice to join in a group thai food order, or partake in a feast of indian food. I made the choice to ease up on my strict vegan tendencies and eat the muffin made with eggs, or try a bite of a a cheese stuffed ravioli.
I’m not saying that any of these things alone are the cause of a jump on a scale. I know friends and family members who enjoy all of the above on a regular basis, and their bodies stay pretty much the same. And I know continuing to be more relaxed around food, and joining in and sharing these meals and treats with others, I will not continue to gain weight for ever. Actually, I don’t think I’’ve really gained anything since I started writing this post a few weeks ago.
But even if I did, I wouldn’t regret it. The small, tight body that I had , particularly during my days of extreme restriction was a physical embodiment of my tight and rigid thinking. My life was about as full and voluptuous as my figure. In other words, the exact opposite. My days were calculated, measured, controlled.
And anything that threatened to disrupt that (such as a birthday dinner or night out) caused me anxiety and fear, instead of the excitement and revelry it should have.
Last January, I wrote a 2022 Manifesto for how I wanted to live my life. One of the things I wrote was “Memories over Calories.”
I’m so happy to say that I committed to that vision. And while it was not always easy or perfectly executed, I ended 2022 with more memories and moments of love and beauty and spontaneity than I could have imagined.
I’m hoping to gain even more in 2023. Here’s to making all the memories, joining in, and always prioritixing people and connection over numbers.
What are you hoping to gain this year?
Happy 2023,
-Jae
A Season of Redemption: A Christmas that undid the Shit of Christmases Past
This christmas was special, for a lot of reasons.
For many of us, it was the first christmas in a long time that we were not living in a pandemic state of panic.
We were able to gather with loved ones without masks or uncomfortable rules or restrictions, or anxiety of what we might be giving or receiving that would not be wrapped in a bow.
For our family, it was the revival of our annual big neighbourhood christmas party, where our house was filled with friends and neighbours from the age of 21 to 71, with a buffet of food as far as the eye could see.
After 3 years of not being able to host it, the atmosphere of the night was extra boisterous and beautiful, with people staying late into the night, or early into the morning, talking and laughing, playing pool, and dancing with a glow of an extra shot of whisky and christmas tree twinkle lights.
It wasnt only gathering that made this christmas so wonderful, but the particular people that entered my life this season.
Like the ginger-bearded man who sauntered up to a rain-drenched me at the end of a music festival on Canada Day.
Who would have guessed that would have led us to spending this whole christmas together, sharing our families and time in between Markham and Barrie, dancing around the kitchen in matching plaid pajamas…
To be spending Christmas with someone you love as fully and intensely as they love you is the greatest gift that I will never for a second take for granted.
Especially after several years of feeling an emptiness of spending the holidays without that.
I won’t lie, as much as I love christmas, the day, the season, and the feeling in general, the last few christmases I have felt like I’ve been chasing the idea of the feeling instead of being in it.
Between being in the throes of anorexia, the battles and emotional warfare of recovery, and navigating the end of relationship that I once thought was supposed to be forever, the “wonder and joy” of the season remained more of a fantasy than reality.
Even with that ex partner, I vividly remember spending one christmas afternoon sobbing into his arms in my bed after what was otherwise a perfect morning of opening presents, simply because I was overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt and anxiety of indulging in breakfast treats and then being caught and restricted from shovelling the driveway.
While I was further into recovery these past few holidays being single, the memories of being in love and celebrating christmas still permeated enough to dull the joy that was so present.
Of course, I still revelled in the love and company of friends and family I hadnt seen in a while, but I missed picking out that perfect present for that special someone, sneaking away to open each others gifts and read their heartfelt words away from the schmozz of the rest of the house.
Even not with them, I missed the feeling of Singing along with the christmas love songs that came on the radio, with them in mind, really and truly feeling the sentiment “all I want for christmas is you.”
For me, more than any other holiday, including the so vehemently loved or hated valentines day, christmas is about love.
And after the blessing of experiencing it with a partner for several years, the christmases that follow once that partnership ends, don’t hit the same.
They can be filled with family and festive joy and food and gifts, but the memory of that Christmas in love haunts it.
And thats what made this christmas so exceptionally beautiful. It wa a christmas that once again I was in love. And more than that, a first Christmas of the two of us in love together. A love that felt more right and real to me than it did the last time, with someone who I know truly loves every part of me- the wacky, the zany, the-handstands-in-the-kitchen-me—- and not just tolerates it.
I get to be unapologetically me, and celebrated for it.
This christmas I received some wonderful gifts and experienced some wonderful moments.
I was gifted a second Lupit pole and gorgeous Slovenian-made crash mat, a beautiful bullet journey and super quality fine art markers, and lulu leggings that have now become my second skin.
I went snowshoeing in the rouge valley and stumbled upon 3 deer, took pictures of my cat in a plaid matching hoodie, played obnoxious board games and took shots until the wee hours of the morning, and curled up in front of classic christmas movies.
But the most wonderful thing this Christmas was the little moments, the ones that likely no one else even noticed, even if they were there.
V coming up behind to me to wrap me in a hug as I was putting together our christmas dinner.
Twirling around the kitchen as if it was a ballroom even without music there, responding to V’s beckons of “Jae Bae Sunflower” as we were getting ready to head out to his parents’ christmas dinner.
Curling up under the sheets, talking until we fell asleep, whispering merry christmas as the clock struck 12 on Christmas eve.
These were the moments that made this Christmas, and redeemed it from everything it wasn’t in the years before it.
And of course, taking cute family photos with Rajah in matching PJs was a bonus.
Merry Christmas, everyone,
Love the ones you’re with-- and hold onto those memories, whether they are new or in the past of the christamses you spent in love.
There’s no better feeling,
See you in 2023,
Jae x0x0
10 More Things I Learned During Covid Isolation
This is a continuation from my last post, where I talk about my experience of having Covid just before Christmas.
I tried to narrow what I learned from 10 days on my own to 10 items, but I failed miserably. So here are 10 more things isolation taught me.
To read the first 10 learnings from my experience with Covid click here.
10 (more) things I learned in Covid Isolation
It’s a good time to make a photobook whilst in quarantine.
Photobook creation websites like Photobook Canada (which I used) have some pretty amazing programs to create truly unique and professional books. 10 days honestly flew by just learning how to use the different features, and create a photo cookbook of all my Nana’s recipes that I was sure my mom would love. Honestly, hours went by without a thought dedicated to this very consuming project.
It takes a f***ing long time to put together a photobook.
Spoiler: It took me so long to make the photobook that it did not arrive in time for Christmas. On the final day of my isolation, I actually kind of wished I had another day or two to finish working on it in peace.
Sometimes exercise feels unproductive.
Don’t get me wrong, I will always feel a high after finishing a workout, whether its a HIIT workout, a challenging pole class, or a long walk. But when you have a 100 page document (or photo cookbook) to edit and a fast approaching deadline, sweating for the sake of sweating or leaving your house to walk the same route for an hour only to arrive back where you started feels rather redundant. For that reason, as well as for the sake of my immune system that was currently being attacked by virus particles, I took a pretty big step back from exercise during my isolation. And I felt pretty accomplished by the end of it.
I own too few pairs of pajamas.
Pretty much all I wore the entire 10 days I was isolating. And the few days I was sick and without test results before that. I even started walking my dog in my PJ’s, just throwing on my boots and coat. How many days did I go wearing the same pajama bottoms? I will take the answer of that to my grave.
Bras are overrated.
See above. The closest thing I came to a bra were the sports bras I would wear for pole. And sometimes they doubled as a shirt paired with my PJ bottoms for the rest of the day. I had surprisingly very little laundry to do after those 10 days quarantined at home.
Even introverts succumb to loneliness at some point.
While I am not a through and through introvert (hello Leo), I definitely have an introverted side along with my streak of independence. For most of quarantine, I was pretty content with my puzzles, a hallmark Christmas movie, and my pole. However, there were times where I really and truly felt like an outsider to the rest of the world. I would see instagram stories and posts of friends getting together for christmas parties, work events, or even just coffee dates and that’s when loneliness would hit. In those moments, I would even consider giving up my PJ pants for some human interaction.
A bit of dancing everyday keeps sadness at bay.
While I didn’t do much in terms of “working out,” most days I did end up finding my way to my pole, fuelled by my Spotify playlist of a few good songs in a row. I just moved and grooved and spun myself around, for as long or as little as I was feeing, and inevitably, I came out of those dance sessions with a little happiness boost. Well worth the slight feeling of out of breathness after (which did thankfully go away after my 5th or 6th day in isolation).
Even dogs need space.
For 10 days, it was just me and my 13 year old husky/shepherd Jaeda. I am a cuddler. Jaeda less so. Craving some form of interaction and affection, I often looked to Jaeda for a good cuddle session. She would always oblige for awhile, but after 10 or so minutes had past of me skootching into her bed with her, she would look sideways at me, give a little groan, and heave her old bones off of her cushy bed to lay on the floor in another room alone. It could be said that perhaps Jaeda fared isolation even better than I did.
Thank God for Facetime.
In the moments I didn’t even have the affection of my dog to quell my feelings of loneliness, Facetime was always there to give me to the kind of human connection only eye contact, facial expression, and a familiar voice can offer. To all the beloved friends who called to check in on me, or answered my calls where I had very little new and exciting to share, you know who you are, and you are appreciated.
There are some hidden gem christmas movies on Netflix.
I watched more Christmas movies this year than I have in the past three years combined, thanks to Covid. As someone who is not all that fond of rewatching movies, especially those of the Hallmark variety, I was pleasantly surprised to find several new ones that were more than decent. At the top of my list were Lovehard, Let it Snow, A Knight for Christmas, A California Christmas and Klaus.
So there we have it. 10 Learnings from 10 days in Isolation. In the end, not all that miserable, and in many ways, rewarding. But would I willingly do it again? Probably not. I prefer my puzzles with a side of conversation. And I am running out of pajamas.
Have you had to isolate for covid? How did you kill the time?
Happy New Year,
Jordan xoxo
A Very Covid Christmas (again)- and 10 Things I Learned in Isolation
This Christmas I officially joined the covid club. I still have no idea where I got it, although between teaching in person and a busy social life, there are several possibilities. I am very lucky, in that my symptoms were mild. I had a scratchy throat, and a light cough for a few days, but in all honesty if it was not covid times, I would have felt guilty taking off any more than a day of work for it.
It started with feeling tired , and as a new teacher I didn’t really consider that a symptom, as much as an unavoidable way of life. But then my throat started feeling weird. I thought I was just dehydrated. It wasn’t so much sore as it was scratchy. Honestly it was only as I was sipping a beer in the distillery, feeling as if lacerations were being lit up as I swallowed the carbonated liquid that I started to make the connection. However, after two bouts of pretty bad colds/flus already this fall, I wasn’t super concerned it was covid. I really just didn’t want to be sick in any kind of way in these weeks leading up to christmas.
I went home, went to bed , thinking a good sleep would help. Instead I was up half the night feeling feverish, hot and cold at the same time, with a pounding headache, and achy as if I had arthritis in my hips. At 4:30 that morning I sent an email with my principal with typo laden plans explaining my absence that day.
I woke up feeling much better. My fever was gone (did I even have one in the first place? I wondered). My throat felt much better, and my headache was mostly gone too. I did have some phlegm and a cough, but it was much milder than the cough I had the last time I was sick, and that was not covid.
I somehow miraculously did not infect any member of my family, despite seeing them over the weekend and on the very day I started having symptoms, and for that I am eternally grateful. I did, however, land my lovely roommate with Covid for the second time. And unlike me, who luckily gets to leave my isolation the eve before Christmas eve, she only started having symptoms a few days ago and must spend Christmas on her lonesome until the 27th. She isn’t holding it against me, and I’ve been showering her with early Christmas gifts including a delivery of Craig’s Cookies and an UberEats gift card, but I still feel awful to have thrown a wrench into her family Christmas plans.
The most distressing part of this whole debacle is that I have to suffer the inconvenience of 10 days of isolation during the week of excitement and anticipation leading up to the 25th. I missed several Christmas events, including the annual Christmas reunion dinner with my high school friend group, and our family Christmas on the 19th with cousins who live in BC was cancelled completely. My hopes of sipping (chugging) mulled wine with my cousins watching our parents get equally as toasted were dashed.
But as I am continuously reminded, it is just the times.
I feel like I’m going through the ultimate 2020 rite of passage having covid. In a fucked up kind of way, receiving my positive result from a PCR test almost felt like a golden ticket to Wonka’s factory-- something I had heard about, and always knew was a possibility, but never quite believed I would ever be the recipient. It felt as if I was just hearing the term “Omnicom” and gossip about Covid becoming a big “thing” again, when all of a sudden I had it.
People are continuously fascinated by Covid. It has this air of intrigue composed of both awe and fear around it, the virus equivalent of “He Who Must Not Be Named” (AKA Voldemort, for the non-potter-heads). When I got my test result, I contacted all the people I had seen the weekend leading up to it. The owner of my pole studio sent out a message to those I had been in class with me letting them know they had been in contact with “a positive case.” “Don’t worry! The owner assured me. I didn’t say it was you! I Kept it anonymous. It was very kind of her to do that, but also, why do we have this attached shame complex to a positive test? Its not as if anyone conspires to get covid and then spread it to as many people as they can. Its a virus that as a world, we are all fighting together.
Friends reached out with the same questions:
How are you?
What are your symptoms?
How did you get it?
My not very exciting responses were okay, fine, and no idea. They were relieved I was okay, but at the dame time there is a sense of disappointment. Like that’s it? This is what we’ve been hiding from for close to 2 years?
I get it. But still, I am grateful that this, for me, is all covid was.
My isolation companion, Jaeda
10 Things I learned in Covid Isolation
Covid feels like a mild cold (and I thank being vaxxed for that.)
I’ve been sick three times this fall/winter already, and each time my symptoms were much more severe than this. Other than a short bout of feeling feverish in the middle of the night when I first started feeling off, covid felt no worse than a mild cold. I had a scratchy throat for two days, and a very light cough and not a ton of energy for a few more after that. However, by day 4 or 5, I would’ve been back to my regularly scheduled life if what I had wasn’t covid.
I know some people might take this as proof that covid really isn’t a big deal, and that there are unnecessary precautions and restrictions being made out of fear/ corruption/ ignorance etc… But I am pretty confident that being double vaxxed probably had something to do with the very mild and manageable experience I had. And, for what I am very grateful, keeping my parents and family, and students from not getting infected by me, considering I was in close contact with many people right up until the night I had my fever. Yes, I got covid, BUT it could have been MUCH worse.
2. It's very convenient to isolate in walking distance to family.
This fall, my grandfather moved into a care home, leaving his house right next to my family home empty, Even before I got my official positive test result, my parents invited me to do my isolation in this empty house so I would have room to sprawl out and also be nearby for them to help me out. I know I am beyond lucky to have this convenient set up, but it was honestly a life saver. And every home cooked meal that was lovingly delivered to my door did not go unappreciated.
My Grandfather’s empty house where I spent the past 10 days in isolation
3. I will never again take for granted the opportunity to grocery shop in person.
Grocery delivery services and Instacart are very convenient, and during my 10 days of isolation, they kept me well fed and well stocked. But as a grocery shopper, I am much more of an in-the moment impulse buyer of what looks good versus writing a list. I swear I spend longer navigating the instacart website, trying to rack my brain for what I want to eat for the next week versus walking the aisles and buying what looks yummy at a good price. I also felt denied the experience of food shopping in the days before christmas… Meandering the festive displays of chocolates and oranges and fresh figs as Christmas music blares through the aisles. People watching the festive folk grocery shopping in Santa hats and holiday sweaters , carts filled with things for entertaining like wheels of brie, giant panettone, and cartons of egg nog. Maybe I am a bit of an odd duck, missing food shopping in this way but there's nothing like being locked indoors for an extended period that makes you miss these ordinary experiences of being human.
4. I am more introverted than I thought
At first, the prospect of having to isolate for 10 days sent me into a spiral of dread. I hate being alone, I thought. I am an extrovert! I need people. Turns out I can be pretty content on my own with a puppy, a home pole studio, and a puzzle. I was able to get lots of writing done, make several gifts for family, friends, and their dogs (hello, hand sewn bandanas) and watch anything I wanted without compromise. Actually by dat 9, I was kind of wishing I had one more day of isolation to get a little bit more done before my time was up and I was thrown back into the mayhem of a family christmas.
5. I still remember the majority of every Taylor Swift song
I love to sing, but living in close quarters with a roommate, I never subjected her every often to my belting it out musical theatre style impromptu concerts. In a big house on my lonesome, with Taylor Swift playing on my spotify, I didn't hold back. Turns out I remember the obscure lyrics from obscure tracks on Red and 1984 just as well as I did back in 2010.
6. Christmas cookies taste better when you can share them
Near the end of my isolation, when I figured I was mostly noncontagious, I started christmas baking, making dozens of beautiful cookies. It felt nice to bake, but when you are sharing the finished result of a perfectly shaped sugar cookie or lightly whipped aquafaba meringue with none but yourself and your dog, the joy falls flat just a little. I could've eaten oreos with my hot chocolate after that day of baking and been equally as satisfied, and created much less of a mess.
7. The truest friends don’t forget about you when you are MIA (out of sight out of mind)
Despite my new discovery of an introverted side, it was really amazing to hear from friends throughout my isolation. I totally get out of sight out of mind, and I hate to say I often fall into that pattern of interaction, especially with friends and family in different cities and provinces. So when I was dropped off a covid care package from my extremely thoughtful long time friend, I felt loved and appreciated and cared for, and I think that itself made the entire isolation experience so much more endurable. Even something as simple as the texts I received from various friends and family checking in on me, or saying hi in just a sentence or less were beautiful reminders of the connections I had in my life, and the friendships I do not take for granted.
covid care package from a dear friend <3
8. A walk does not need to be 5 kilometres
In isolation, technically you are not supposed to leave yourself. In a very quiet street in the suburbs, I made an exception twice a day (morning and night) to venture out to walk my dog (masked) and keeping away from people. My dog is 13. We do not go far and we do not go fast. The furthest we ever go is barely 2 kilometres and it takes close to 45 minutes, with lots of breaks for sniffing things. Usually however, it's closer to ½ a kilometre, to the park to walk through a woodlot and back .
Before getting covid, I had a pretty ingrained habit of getting at least 5 km in a day. Sometimes it was all at once. Sometimes it was a few kilometres to school, a few back, and then another few over lunch. Anything less felt well-- lazy. After 10 days of slowing down to Jaeda’s senior citizen pace, I realize getting out for just a slow walk around the block can do just as much for my spirits and energy as a speedy 7 km loop around the city. Also, I think having a dog as company on these walking ventures is also a big factor in the happiness level achieved.
9. It's okay to walk zero kilometres a day.
Expanding on the last point a little more. There were some days in my isolation where Jaeda was sore or the weather was rainy and miserable where it made no sense to break covid protocol and venture outside. And while the first day this happened I felt pretty anxious , I did it and (obviously) nothing bad happened. If anything, it felt freeing. As much as it was a downer getting covid, especially at christmas time, in a way I am thankful that it forced me to face this very deceptive compulsion I have continued to hang onto. As healthy of a habit of walking every day is, the fact that I was doing it pretty compulsively was important for me to break.
10. After a long time of not being around other people, it starts to matter less what they might think.
In isolation I didn’t wear makeup for the whole 10 days. I also did not wear anything but pajamas (and pole shorts) for most of that 10 days either. At first, the exception was putting on a pair of leggings to go walk the dog. But in the latter half of my isolation period, I found myself not caring enough to get up and change out of my pjs and would simply throw on a coat over my fuzzy plaid pj bottoms before leaving the house. After doping it once, I did it every time. I didn’t even feel silly. I just felt like a girl walking her dog in her pajamas and I owned it.
I came out of isolation on the eve of December 23rd, just in time to celebrate christmas with my family. In some ways, it was a very convenient circumstance of covid. But I am still happy its over.
Out of isolation, Christmas morning. Jaeda was happy too.
How was your covid christmas?
xoxo
Jordan
February Favourites
In typical blogger fashion, here is a roundup of some of my favourite things this month. Perhaps a little atypical however, is the types of things I am listing here. There is no skincare or makeup and in fact a lot of things that don’t even have a link to a site where they can be bought. This is simply a roundup of things that have been adding to my life this past month. I am hoping now that some of them may find their way into yours. As I’ve written about before on this blog, its the little things that make life wonderful.
Favourite Drink
Soy Matcha Latte
Pre-lockdown, I got one of these at least once a week from starbucks. It was part of my routine to grab a matcha latte and spend a few hours writing in the cafe. Now that I am unable to stay i a Starbucks to work, I have gotten into a new habit of making these at home for myself— strong matcha tea, a little sweetener of your choice, (my favourite being vanilla coffee syrup!) and steamed soy milk. I am tempted to say better than Starbucks, but we all know I will be back handing them my money as soon as this lockdown is over.
Favourite Food
Peanut Butter Oatmeal
In these cold winter days, oatmeal has been my go-to breakfast. I thought I knew how to make good oatmeal, but it wasnt until I started adding peanut butter into the mix that my breakfast went from good to mind blowing. Lately, its been a diced apple or banana (and sometimes both!) with a big gob of peanut butter, and lots of cinnamon. I even double up on the peanut flavour adding in a scoop of powdered peanut butter along with a gob of the natural full fat stand-by. Extra protein, extra flavour, whats not to love? And secret tip: adding a few berries in at the end makes the whole bowl taste like peanut butter and jelly. I’m obsessed.
Favourite App
Wealth Simple
Who would’ve guessed that I would have ever found my way to the stock market? Until a month ago, I only ever picked up the newspaper to read my horoscope— let alone the business section! But after making some financial goals for myself this new year, and watching my brother and his friends venture into the brave new world of investing, I figured it was as good a time as ever to dip my toes in too. So my brother downloaded Wealthsimple onto my phone for me and I was off to the races!
With a super user-friendly interface, I am picking it up quick, and it is becoming an app that I am using (almost) as regularly as any of my social media accounts. Its an easy and simple way to get started in making your money make money for you. As a teacher, I know my income is never going to skyrocket, so I feel empowered having another means to make those $$ with some smart investments.
Favourite Podcast
What the Phalange?! Podcast
What the Phalange!? is a podcast about the TV show friends that goes through the series episode by episode, and tackling some of the problematic themes through it from a place of love and fandom. The issues and tone are light hearted enough that it never comes across as too heavy, but is not so light that it feels like I am listening to junk and lowering my intelligence. When I spend so much (too much) of my time consuming social media, I like putting on this podcast as I am out walking to balance that out with a dose of intelligent conversation with messages that are empowering and illuminating— and as an avid fan of friends, and the quirky banter of the two siblings who host this show, I feel like I am among friends as I listen in.
Favourite Activity
Forest Trail Dog Walks
Forest Therapy Trail in Markham, ON
Perhaps the hardest part about my recent foot injury is having to give up my little trail adventures with my dog Jaeda. I took me over 20 years of living in Markham to discover the intricate rouge valley trail system that existed just 5 minutes away from us in the smack middle of suburbia. For years, we would drive out to Durham Forest or Greenwood Forest in Ajax to get some trail time, and because it was a bit of a trek, we didn’t do it very often. Now, we get out multiple times a week to explore along the Forest Therapy Trail just minutes from mainstreet. If Jaeda wasn’t the thirteen year old senior she is, we could walk there!
There is nothing better than being out in nature in any season, but something about the sparkling white snow on a sunny winter day that is its own kind of magical. And watching a dog frolick around in snow banks like a puppy makes it that much better.
It will be hard going back to Toronto sidewalks after this.
Favourite Book
The Alice Network
I go through waves of reading, according to if what I am reading is more compelling than whatever my social media feeds have to show me. For the couple weeks it took me to devour The Alice network, my screen time was hella down. I am not usually an avid historical fiction reader, feeling too disconnected or bored by eras before my time. But this book, based on the intricate network of spies made up by a few badass women, has had me rethink this stance. This book is definitely not PG-13 and thank god for that.
And that concludes this little roundup of some of the things that have been making my life a little fuller this month. Its the little things— comfort foods, warm drinks, a good book, and some nature time, that balance out some of the bigger things that define our lives— goals, careers, and curveballs (like a broken foot) along the way.
Hoping you are making space for your own ways to recharge and find your balance this February. Feel free to leave a comment about one of YOUR favourite things lately.
exes and ohs,
Jordan
The 5 Minute Rule (A reflection on loss and perspective)
Grateful for this view in my back yard (almost).
I’ve been stressing out over a lot of things lately.
Some small, and some not so small. Many of which I do not feel ready to divulge yet here. Lately, its been causing me so much anxiety that I feel sick and restless, exhausted and heavy-limbed and yet unable to sleep.
I have been thinking circular thoughts, dwelling on problems that make them seem much larger than they need be, and overthinking bits of conversations and moments that have taken place in the day when they have probably long been forgotten by the others I was with.
I was in one of those moments, obsessing over something someone said in passing, anxious over the way my clothes have been fitting, and feeling overwhelmed by the thirty parent interviews I will be hosting for my kindergarten classroom this week, when I was abruptly met with a hard hit of reality.
It was learning a new friend of mine, a beautiful vibrant, compassionate soul of a person, does not have parents on this earth. My friend and I were discussing plans for Christmas. She listened sympathetically to me rant on about the stress and overwhelm of going home for christmas, and how full and busy the house is, laughing as I made reference to my mom’s thwarted efforts of an early Christmas dinner year after year. Then I asked about her plans. She confided that she might go to her sister’s might not do anything. I asked if her parents lived far away, or if she would see them.
And that’s when she told me both her parents had passed away. She didn’t offer why or when and I didn’t want to pry. I told her I was sorry to hear that, and followed her lead in changing the subject.
This time it was my turn to laugh at the stories she recounted from her day at work, offer ahhs, and ohs in all the right places. Meanwhile, every schema and internal perception of the world was being rewritten. The interviews this week felt meaningless. I felt ashamed and embarrassed for allowing negative body image to even be a thought in my mind. And I began to think back to every comment or mention of my parents or family to her, trying to remember exactly what I said, and gauge just how insensitive it might have been.
It’s a week later and I still cannot stop thinking about this.
Yes, I am in the middle of interviews, and working thirteen hour days to talk to parents.
No, I have not yet been able to book a covid test, and may not be able to go see my family over christmas.
And yes, we are in lockdown yet again, and that means I am no longer able to train at my pole studio which has been keeping me sane these past few months.
The truth is that none of this matters. All that does is that my family is still safe and healthy and together. I have never needed to survive a loss so close to me, although for many years of my life it was my greatest fear.
While I cannot even begin to understand how difficult it might be to experience losing my family, I know it is a devastation from which one never truly recovers. It is life changing.
And that’s the thing. All that which I am currently stressed and worried about is not in any way going to impact the trajectory of my life.
It feels wrong, and selfish, now for me to be stressed out by these problems which in perspective are really NOT problems.
I am trying to use this new knowledge to help me shift my perspective from worrying about these things that may or may not happen, many which are out of my control, to being grateful everyday for all I do have. Most importantly my health and well-being, and the health, happiness, and love of my family.
Grateful for pre-covid christmases.
So if you’re finding yourself stressing over something today, getting caught up in feeling like you have too much to do, or worrying about something, take a second to zoom out. And then apply the five minute rule:
Think of your life five years from now. Is whatever you are stressing over in this moment going to make a big impact in your life in five years? If the answer is no, then it is not worth spending more than five minutes worrying about now.
And once you do that, think about my friend, and what she has lost, or the people in your life you know who have may also suffered true loss. Perhaps you yourself have suffered a great loss (in which case, all the love and compassion in the world to you). And then think about all you do have: the people that fill your life with love and happiness.
The healthy, functioning body that allows you to move and breathe and hug your loved ones.
The opportunities to try new things, go new places, and be whoever you want to be. The freedom to make mistakes, to fall and get back up again.
And the oft overlooked gift to feel all these things-- joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, thrill and fear, for how can you truly know the first without experiencing the latter?
A snapchat I am happy I saved several years ago.
The point of this post is NOT to say I will never feel stress or worry again. Even as I write this, it has flashed through my brain that I’ve been sitting too long, and perhaps I should take a break from writing this to do some kind of exercise.
There’s a good chance tomorrow or one day next week some curveball will come my way at work and begin to send me into a tailspin of “what-ifs” and “I can’ts” and “if onlys”. However, this story will help ground me, as it is now, quite literally, keeping me in this chair to finish this post, and quell the voices in the back of my head vying for my attention.
Five years from now, it won’t matter that I spent an entire night sitting at my desk instead of getting in some movement. However, in five years, I will likely be glad that I took the time to put this revelation into a post, and create a tangible reminder for myself and you that are now reading this of the importance of perspective, and being grateful, truly grateful, for all we do have that enriches our life with happiness and meaning.
Have you heard of this five minute rule before? How do you practice perspective taking in your life?
Love,
Jordan