2022: A Year of Gains

2022 was a year I gained a lot. And I don’t just mean weight gains over the holidays. I am talking about the kind of mental, emotional, and yes, physical gains, that come when you open yourself to the opportunities that surround you.

This past year I have been gifted a lot of amazing experiences. I travelled (several times) to weddings, as well as a trip to Vegas.

I competed in my first pole competition for PSO Canada East.

I adopted a kitten who has become a well know adventure cat.

I got a permanent teaching position, raising me above the uncertainty of daily and long term occassional work, and into a new salary range.

I also made a new circle of friends within my Toronto neighbourhood, including neighbours in my building to share laughs and blunts and even keys with whenever we need a pet fed or walked.

And perhaps most noteably, I found a partner who is essentially the male version of myself, and who I love more than everything I love put together.

Truly, Ive had a lot of gains this year, as you can see. But it doesnt stop there. With all thuis happiness that has come my way, I also gained weight. I’m not going into numbers here, and I am not trying to make it seem as if I gained so much that I would be unrecognizeable on the street, but I will say certain clothes that fit me other Christmases would be a squeeze this year.

Sometimes I see a picture of myself or a video and feel a twinge of guilt that I’ve let my body go— even minimally. But the truth is, I really don’t think I could have had all the experiences and other life gains this year if I hadn’t.

This year, I truly commited myself to prioritizing connections and making memories over controlling my body. I made the choice to go out for drinks or to concerts and skip a workout. I made the choice to join in a group thai food order, or partake in a feast of indian food. I made the choice to ease up on my strict vegan tendencies and eat the muffin made with eggs, or try a bite of a a cheese stuffed ravioli.

I’m not saying that any of these things alone are the cause of a jump on a scale. I know friends and family members who enjoy all of the above on a regular basis, and their bodies stay pretty much the same. And I know continuing to be more relaxed around food, and joining in and sharing these meals and treats with others, I will not continue to gain weight for ever. Actually, I don’t think I’’ve really gained anything since I started writing this post a few weeks ago.

But even if I did, I wouldn’t regret it. The small, tight body that I had , particularly during my days of extreme restriction was a physical embodiment of my tight and rigid thinking. My life was about as full and voluptuous as my figure. In other words, the exact opposite. My days were calculated, measured, controlled.

And anything that threatened to disrupt that (such as a birthday dinner or night out) caused me anxiety and fear, instead of the excitement and revelry it should have.

Last January, I wrote a 2022 Manifesto for how I wanted to live my life. One of the things I wrote was “Memories over Calories.”

I’m so happy to say that I committed to that vision. And while it was not always easy or perfectly executed, I ended 2022 with more memories and moments of love and beauty and spontaneity than I could have imagined.

I’m hoping to gain even more in 2023. Here’s to making all the memories, joining in, and always prioritixing people and connection over numbers.

What are you hoping to gain this year?

Happy 2023,

-Jae

A Season of Redemption: A Christmas that undid the Shit of Christmases Past

This christmas was special, for a lot of reasons.  

For many of us, it was the first christmas in a long time that we were not living in a pandemic state of panic. 

We were able to gather with loved ones without masks or uncomfortable rules or restrictions, or anxiety of what we might be giving or receiving that would not be wrapped in a bow. 

For our family, it was the revival of our annual big neighbourhood christmas party, where our house was filled with friends and neighbours from the age of 21 to 71, with a buffet of food as far as the eye could see. 

After 3 years of not being able to host it, the atmosphere of the night was extra boisterous and beautiful, with people staying late into the night, or early into the morning, talking and laughing, playing pool, and dancing with a glow of an extra shot of whisky and christmas tree twinkle lights.

It wasnt only gathering that made this christmas so wonderful, but the particular people that entered my life this season.

Like the ginger-bearded man who sauntered up to a rain-drenched me at the end of a music festival on Canada Day. 

Who would have guessed that would have led us to spending this whole christmas together, sharing our families and time in between Markham and Barrie, dancing around the kitchen in matching plaid pajamas…

To be spending Christmas with someone you love as fully and intensely as they love you is the greatest gift that I will never for a second take for granted. 

Especially after several years of feeling an emptiness of spending the holidays without that.  

I won’t lie, as much as I love christmas, the day, the season, and the feeling in general, the last few christmases I have felt like I’ve been chasing the idea of the feeling instead of being in it.

Between being in the throes of anorexia, the battles and emotional warfare of recovery, and navigating the end of relationship that I once thought was supposed to be forever, the “wonder and joy” of the season remained more of a fantasy than reality.  

Even with that ex partner, I vividly remember spending one christmas afternoon sobbing into his arms in my bed after what was otherwise a perfect morning of opening presents, simply because I was overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt and anxiety of indulging in breakfast treats and then being caught and restricted from shovelling the driveway.  

While I was further into recovery these past few holidays being single, the memories of being in love and celebrating christmas still permeated enough to dull the joy that was so present.

Of course, I still revelled in the love and company of friends and family I hadnt seen in a while, but I missed picking out that perfect present for that special someone, sneaking away to open each others gifts and read their heartfelt words away from the schmozz of the rest of the house.

Even not with them, I missed the feeling of Singing along with the christmas love songs that came on the radio, with them in mind, really and truly feeling the sentiment “all I want for christmas is you.”  

For me, more than any other holiday, including the so vehemently loved or hated valentines day, christmas is about love. 

And after the blessing of experiencing it with a partner for several years, the christmases that follow once that partnership ends, don’t hit the same. 

They can be filled with family and festive joy and food and gifts, but the memory of that Christmas in love haunts it.  

And thats what made this christmas so exceptionally beautiful.  It wa a christmas that once again I was in love. And more than that, a first Christmas of the two of us in love together.  A love that felt more right and real to me than it did the last time, with someone who I know truly loves every part of me- the wacky, the zany, the-handstands-in-the-kitchen-me—- and not just tolerates it. 

 I get to be unapologetically me, and celebrated for it.

This christmas I received some wonderful gifts and experienced some wonderful moments. 

I was gifted a second Lupit pole and gorgeous Slovenian-made crash mat, a beautiful bullet journey and super quality fine art markers, and lulu leggings that have now become my second skin. 

I went snowshoeing in the rouge valley and stumbled upon 3 deer, took pictures of my cat in a plaid matching hoodie, played obnoxious board games and took shots until the wee hours of the morning, and curled up in front of classic christmas movies.  

But the most wonderful thing this Christmas was the little moments, the ones that likely no one else even noticed, even if they were there. 

V coming up behind to me to wrap me in a hug as I was putting together our christmas dinner.

Twirling around the kitchen as if it was a ballroom even without music there,  responding to V’s beckons of “Jae Bae Sunflower”  as we were getting ready to head out to his parents’ christmas dinner. 

Curling up under the sheets, talking until we fell asleep, whispering merry christmas as the clock struck 12 on Christmas eve. 

These were the moments that made this Christmas, and redeemed it from everything it wasn’t in the years before it.   

And of course, taking cute family photos with Rajah in matching PJs was a bonus.  

Merry Christmas, everyone, 

Love the ones you’re with-- and hold onto those memories, whether they are new or in the past of the christamses you spent in love.  

There’s no better feeling,

See you in 2023,

Jae x0x0

Dating at 2 Metres Apart (Finding Connection Without Getting Close)

Im seeing this guy right now.  If it was different circumstances, I might even consider it a relationship.  However, attempting to establish a connection with someone new while also adhering to social distance guidelines has turned something already as complicated and frustrating as dating into a whole new beast.

Back in March, when this pandemic was just taking off the ground, I basically deleted all the dating apps on my phone.  There was no room in my mind to think about dating or making new connections when getting groceries and securing toilet paper was already anxiety-inducing.

For two months I saw no one outside of my family who lived with me, and the occasional friend at a distance. There were no parties or dance floors or groups of people mingling in parks. Even passing people at the store or on the street assumed a new kind of etiquette, a closed-mouth smile, with minimal words being very conscious of spit particles of contagion. I didn’t realize how much I craved those spontaneous interactions and encounters with other humans outside of my own circle.

Seeing only the same few faces all the time, my world started feeling uncomfortably small and uneventful, and my own existence so lonely and disconnected, that I found myself swiping. 

At first, I didn’t even have any real intention of meeting any of the guys that messaged me.  I was just looking to see that there were others and experiences that existed beyond my own small suburban radius of activity. I heard some people had started doing dates over zoom or video calling, but I find it hard enough engaging with people I know through that medium, let alone a relative stranger.  

I swiped left— a lot. But I was surprised when I found myself swiping right on several occasions.  A couple conversations felt real and compelling enough that I felt willing to meet, while keeping a two meter distance apart. 

By that time, I had already expanded my own social activities to including meeting up with a handful of friends at parks, or for a social distance walk or hike, and so I simply applied the same guidelines to my “match” meet-ups:  two meters apart, no sharing food or drinks, stay outside, in uncrowded places. 

The reality of social distanced dating does not quite fit so neatly in a sentence. So here is my list of tips and tricks for dating during Covid-19.

Dating During Quarantine: Tips and Lessons

1. People have different ideas about social distancing, and how to do it. If you’re concerned for yourself or members of your household, it helps to be upfront with what you’re comfortable with before the actual meet up. Walking into a date where you committed to a two metre rule, only to find yourself dodging an unsolicited hug upon arrival sets in some unwanted friction before you even get to hello. It’s much easier to convey your expectations and code of conduct while texting the location of where to meet— not after a moment of awkward miscommunication.

2. The less interested you are in a guy, the easier you will find it to stay socially distanced. If twenty minutes into a date you realize you never necessarily need to see that person again, you will likely not be fighting urges to jump in their arms, or even hug goodbye. And you won’t be overly worries about how your own safety guidelines might be coming off as “rude” or “standoffish.”

3. The more connected or attracted you feel, the more likely you will find yourself tempted to break your own rules.

    Buyer beware. If you’re falling head over heels for the person you are seeing, it may be more difficult to follow through on your initial plan of action (or inaction). Here is where this pandemic  takes on the role of villain or antagonist in what may seem to be the seedling of a romantic tragedy.  After a few weeks of “social distance” dates with a guy I was falling for quite heavily, I found myself scribing descriptions of our ill-fated romance in my head: a love stronger than a virus. or worth the risk: a corona connection.  There was a few weeks that I was walking a very fine line to throwing all of my social distance rules out the window.  If I hadn’t been living at home at the time with my 60 year old parents, 84 year old grandfather, and hypochondriac sister, I probably would have.  However, I did have the rationality to let the respect for the health of my family preside over what I now recognize to be something more like puppy love.

4. Dating at 2 metres apart brings a whole new realm of awkwardness and insecurity.

   The first date its early enough to settle in to the no contact rule.  However, if you like each other, and continue meeting up, keeping distance becomes a gateway for other anxieties.  You’ve already covered all the basics about each other in conversation, work, family, pets, hobbies, current events, etc. and have probably shared some stories about travelling or your dog or the dumb thing your colleague did. In a covid-free world, this is the point where touching would just start to come naturally: sitting close on the same side of a table, holding hands walking on the street, a hug hello, and maybe a kiss good night. The “seeing each other” stage during social distancing involves a lot more talking.  So much more that it had me questioning my initial attraction, frustration that I was not able to act on it when I wanted to, and doubt and confusion about what the hell we were doing here anyways?

Dating Apps During Quarantine

I used to use dating apps mostly for physical connection-- I wanted to feel wanted.  This pandemic has obliterated that physical aspect, leaving us to rely upon little else than our feelings and emotions, and our thoughts and words as foundations of that connection.

Its strange, and often infuriating. It feels unfair that something as innocent as hug or a kiss is practically illegal. 

However, it is not completely a bad thing.

The Silver-Lining

I’ve dated people before for longer than I should have, mistaking the physical connection for real substance or potential.  Guys that were quick to hold my hand, greet me with a hug and a kiss, made me feel wanted, and I liked that feeling so much I didn’t always realize I liked the person significantly less. Yeah, a few weeks of long conversations and waved goodbyes denies the opportunity for testing out the waters of physical attraction.

And I’m not referring to sex here. Simply the small acts of touch, from holding hands, sitting close together, an arm around a shoulder, a hand on a knee. Little things, that can send a little zing through you if that attraction is there.  And if there’s no zing, that’s all the information you need.  

However, sometimes, you don’t recognize that zing of attraction until that first touch, whether it be a hug or a kiss or a hand on your shoulder.  And that is where the two metres apart rule makes it tricky.  You can get along super well, talk for hours on end, and think maybe, maybe, you’re attracted to that person, but unsure at a distance that feels so close yet so far. 

So how do you deal with it? 

I’m figuring that out myself, slowly. The answer is NOT to say “fuck it all,” throw caution to the wind, and fling your arms around them proclaiming the strength and power of love.  That’s called being an irresponsible human, especially if you live with anyone in the vulnerable population (ie. your parents over 50).  

It also is NOT giving up on dating, and professing your vows of singledom until the end of the pandemic (unless that is exactly what you feel you need- all the power to you). 

I suppose the answer is to keep treading forward, slowly, one day and one week at a time. 

Keep meeting for those social distance walks or park dates.  Have those three hour conversations.  If you find yourselves running out of things to talk about after 4 or 5 dates, what will your conversation be like 5 months or even 5 years from now in a long-term relationship?   That might be a sign that you are not fated for one another, and its probably a good thing you did not move faster any sooner. 

However, if several dates and weeks in you only find yourself more attracted and connected to a person, you can start having discussions about how to move forward together.  Maybe it is each person getting tested, and if both negative, including that person in your pod of less than ten (the current Ontario regulation).  Or if the sizes of your pods are pushing it already,  pack up on a camping trip together or a cottage stay, making a plan to get tested and isolate until each of your results come back to protect your loved ones.  

In the meantime, you’ll be building a rock solid personal connection, making the next steps all that more exciting.  

And if you are getting more frustrated than excited by the prospect of dating -- or the prospects themselves-- this is also a good time to dedicate your energy to simply your own growth and endeavors.  Just like some of the best workouts follow a good week or two of rest, some time away from dating can be just the thing to reset and renew your own mental and emotional well-being.  

In a nutshell, you do you.  Don’t speed ahead only to regret it later. Be here, now, and be picky about who you want to spend this present with.  

To my single pringles out there, how are you navigating dating right now?

And to my happily involved friends, how is your relationship affected by social distancing?

Keep seeking the sunshine,

Jordan xoxo