A Season of Redemption: A Christmas that undid the Shit of Christmases Past

This christmas was special, for a lot of reasons.  

For many of us, it was the first christmas in a long time that we were not living in a pandemic state of panic. 

We were able to gather with loved ones without masks or uncomfortable rules or restrictions, or anxiety of what we might be giving or receiving that would not be wrapped in a bow. 

For our family, it was the revival of our annual big neighbourhood christmas party, where our house was filled with friends and neighbours from the age of 21 to 71, with a buffet of food as far as the eye could see. 

After 3 years of not being able to host it, the atmosphere of the night was extra boisterous and beautiful, with people staying late into the night, or early into the morning, talking and laughing, playing pool, and dancing with a glow of an extra shot of whisky and christmas tree twinkle lights.

It wasnt only gathering that made this christmas so wonderful, but the particular people that entered my life this season.

Like the ginger-bearded man who sauntered up to a rain-drenched me at the end of a music festival on Canada Day. 

Who would have guessed that would have led us to spending this whole christmas together, sharing our families and time in between Markham and Barrie, dancing around the kitchen in matching plaid pajamas…

To be spending Christmas with someone you love as fully and intensely as they love you is the greatest gift that I will never for a second take for granted. 

Especially after several years of feeling an emptiness of spending the holidays without that.  

I won’t lie, as much as I love christmas, the day, the season, and the feeling in general, the last few christmases I have felt like I’ve been chasing the idea of the feeling instead of being in it.

Between being in the throes of anorexia, the battles and emotional warfare of recovery, and navigating the end of relationship that I once thought was supposed to be forever, the “wonder and joy” of the season remained more of a fantasy than reality.  

Even with that ex partner, I vividly remember spending one christmas afternoon sobbing into his arms in my bed after what was otherwise a perfect morning of opening presents, simply because I was overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt and anxiety of indulging in breakfast treats and then being caught and restricted from shovelling the driveway.  

While I was further into recovery these past few holidays being single, the memories of being in love and celebrating christmas still permeated enough to dull the joy that was so present.

Of course, I still revelled in the love and company of friends and family I hadnt seen in a while, but I missed picking out that perfect present for that special someone, sneaking away to open each others gifts and read their heartfelt words away from the schmozz of the rest of the house.

Even not with them, I missed the feeling of Singing along with the christmas love songs that came on the radio, with them in mind, really and truly feeling the sentiment “all I want for christmas is you.”  

For me, more than any other holiday, including the so vehemently loved or hated valentines day, christmas is about love. 

And after the blessing of experiencing it with a partner for several years, the christmases that follow once that partnership ends, don’t hit the same. 

They can be filled with family and festive joy and food and gifts, but the memory of that Christmas in love haunts it.  

And thats what made this christmas so exceptionally beautiful.  It wa a christmas that once again I was in love. And more than that, a first Christmas of the two of us in love together.  A love that felt more right and real to me than it did the last time, with someone who I know truly loves every part of me- the wacky, the zany, the-handstands-in-the-kitchen-me—- and not just tolerates it. 

 I get to be unapologetically me, and celebrated for it.

This christmas I received some wonderful gifts and experienced some wonderful moments. 

I was gifted a second Lupit pole and gorgeous Slovenian-made crash mat, a beautiful bullet journey and super quality fine art markers, and lulu leggings that have now become my second skin. 

I went snowshoeing in the rouge valley and stumbled upon 3 deer, took pictures of my cat in a plaid matching hoodie, played obnoxious board games and took shots until the wee hours of the morning, and curled up in front of classic christmas movies.  

But the most wonderful thing this Christmas was the little moments, the ones that likely no one else even noticed, even if they were there. 

V coming up behind to me to wrap me in a hug as I was putting together our christmas dinner.

Twirling around the kitchen as if it was a ballroom even without music there,  responding to V’s beckons of “Jae Bae Sunflower”  as we were getting ready to head out to his parents’ christmas dinner. 

Curling up under the sheets, talking until we fell asleep, whispering merry christmas as the clock struck 12 on Christmas eve. 

These were the moments that made this Christmas, and redeemed it from everything it wasn’t in the years before it.   

And of course, taking cute family photos with Rajah in matching PJs was a bonus.  

Merry Christmas, everyone, 

Love the ones you’re with-- and hold onto those memories, whether they are new or in the past of the christamses you spent in love.  

There’s no better feeling,

See you in 2023,

Jae x0x0