A Season of Redemption: A Christmas that undid the Shit of Christmases Past
This christmas was special, for a lot of reasons.
For many of us, it was the first christmas in a long time that we were not living in a pandemic state of panic.
We were able to gather with loved ones without masks or uncomfortable rules or restrictions, or anxiety of what we might be giving or receiving that would not be wrapped in a bow.
For our family, it was the revival of our annual big neighbourhood christmas party, where our house was filled with friends and neighbours from the age of 21 to 71, with a buffet of food as far as the eye could see.
After 3 years of not being able to host it, the atmosphere of the night was extra boisterous and beautiful, with people staying late into the night, or early into the morning, talking and laughing, playing pool, and dancing with a glow of an extra shot of whisky and christmas tree twinkle lights.
It wasnt only gathering that made this christmas so wonderful, but the particular people that entered my life this season.
Like the ginger-bearded man who sauntered up to a rain-drenched me at the end of a music festival on Canada Day.
Who would have guessed that would have led us to spending this whole christmas together, sharing our families and time in between Markham and Barrie, dancing around the kitchen in matching plaid pajamas…
To be spending Christmas with someone you love as fully and intensely as they love you is the greatest gift that I will never for a second take for granted.
Especially after several years of feeling an emptiness of spending the holidays without that.
I won’t lie, as much as I love christmas, the day, the season, and the feeling in general, the last few christmases I have felt like I’ve been chasing the idea of the feeling instead of being in it.
Between being in the throes of anorexia, the battles and emotional warfare of recovery, and navigating the end of relationship that I once thought was supposed to be forever, the “wonder and joy” of the season remained more of a fantasy than reality.
Even with that ex partner, I vividly remember spending one christmas afternoon sobbing into his arms in my bed after what was otherwise a perfect morning of opening presents, simply because I was overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt and anxiety of indulging in breakfast treats and then being caught and restricted from shovelling the driveway.
While I was further into recovery these past few holidays being single, the memories of being in love and celebrating christmas still permeated enough to dull the joy that was so present.
Of course, I still revelled in the love and company of friends and family I hadnt seen in a while, but I missed picking out that perfect present for that special someone, sneaking away to open each others gifts and read their heartfelt words away from the schmozz of the rest of the house.
Even not with them, I missed the feeling of Singing along with the christmas love songs that came on the radio, with them in mind, really and truly feeling the sentiment “all I want for christmas is you.”
For me, more than any other holiday, including the so vehemently loved or hated valentines day, christmas is about love.
And after the blessing of experiencing it with a partner for several years, the christmases that follow once that partnership ends, don’t hit the same.
They can be filled with family and festive joy and food and gifts, but the memory of that Christmas in love haunts it.
And thats what made this christmas so exceptionally beautiful. It wa a christmas that once again I was in love. And more than that, a first Christmas of the two of us in love together. A love that felt more right and real to me than it did the last time, with someone who I know truly loves every part of me- the wacky, the zany, the-handstands-in-the-kitchen-me—- and not just tolerates it.
I get to be unapologetically me, and celebrated for it.
This christmas I received some wonderful gifts and experienced some wonderful moments.
I was gifted a second Lupit pole and gorgeous Slovenian-made crash mat, a beautiful bullet journey and super quality fine art markers, and lulu leggings that have now become my second skin.
I went snowshoeing in the rouge valley and stumbled upon 3 deer, took pictures of my cat in a plaid matching hoodie, played obnoxious board games and took shots until the wee hours of the morning, and curled up in front of classic christmas movies.
But the most wonderful thing this Christmas was the little moments, the ones that likely no one else even noticed, even if they were there.
V coming up behind to me to wrap me in a hug as I was putting together our christmas dinner.
Twirling around the kitchen as if it was a ballroom even without music there, responding to V’s beckons of “Jae Bae Sunflower” as we were getting ready to head out to his parents’ christmas dinner.
Curling up under the sheets, talking until we fell asleep, whispering merry christmas as the clock struck 12 on Christmas eve.
These were the moments that made this Christmas, and redeemed it from everything it wasn’t in the years before it.
And of course, taking cute family photos with Rajah in matching PJs was a bonus.
Merry Christmas, everyone,
Love the ones you’re with-- and hold onto those memories, whether they are new or in the past of the christamses you spent in love.
There’s no better feeling,
See you in 2023,
Jae x0x0
Finding Gratitude this 2020 (Reflecting on a Covid Thanksgiving)
2020 has been a weird, difficult year. And so it makes sense that this past Thanksgiving has followed suit.
In these strange, difficult times of mask-wearing and toilet-paper shortages and hellish political circuses, gratitude may feel hard to come by. Especially for people that may not be able to gather together with the people they normally see, or do the activities or cooking ventures that may be usual traditions of this holiday.
However, gratitude, and feeling of feeling genuine thankfulness and contentment is NOT directly correlated to what is happening around us.
Gratitude is something that exists intrinsically within us, conjured by the way we choose to think and respond to whatever it is that may happening.
In this post, I hope to shed some light on some of the less obvious reasons I feel extremely blessed this season, despite many things being far from perfect at this moment. From missing people at our thanksgiving table, to a chaotic return to the classroom, and to bumps and blocks in my recovery, 2020 has been A YEAR.
However, just like the darkest of clouds, it is from these very circumstances that I have found reasons to feel grateful. For all I have, all I’ve done, and for all the future holds.
Starting off with this AMAZING tofu turkey. Usually love to cook one myself, but due to covid, we purchased one instead. Turns out I feel pretty grateful to have spent less time in the kitchen this Thanksgiving too.
Thanksgiving 2020— The Silver Linings
Tofurkey from Green Earth Cafe on the Danforth— and Jaeda looking at it enviously.
This Thanksgiving. I was lucky enough that I was able to come home to spend the weekend with my family. I was lucky I had the foresight to book a covid test weeks earlier, and was fortunate enough to receive my results the Friday evening before coming home.
I am also blessed that the school where I have been working has had zero cases since opening, and every one of my students who have been away with symptoms have come back with confirmed negative results.
I am also extremely lucky that my family has been doing their part to isolate and social distance so that it would be safe for me to come home, and also safe for me to return back downtown to my roommates and to my students.
Apple Crumble Pie
That being said, coming home wasn’t the same as it usually is for thanksgiving. We were not preparing a dinner for aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins, setting the table for up to twenty.
This year it was just immediate family, my brothers’ partner and my aunt with whom we have been longtime been podded up.
We wore masks as we served ourselves, two people at a time, and ate our meal outside, making use of space heaters and blankets.
I also did none of the cooking this year, being potentially the biggest risk at our gathering. I made a couple pies when the kitchen was empty, but the rest of the meal was quite literally out of my hands.,
Pumpkin Pie Oh My Oh My
In these moments, I realize how where I am now is very different from where I was several years ago. There was a time that I was so terrified of giving up control over my food I would have fought tooth and nail to prepare every bit of that dinner that I was going to eat, from the way the squash to the salad dressing to how the bread was sliced (diagonally). Back then, to be essentially locked out of the kitchen for the entire day of preparation would have been torturous.
This thanksgiving, while I did miss cooking, and the ritual of bumping elbows with my family in the process, it was not charged with underlying fear or anxiety. For the most part— I still hoped that the brussel sprouts would be tossed with garlic and lemon, and that the squash spiced with coriander and cardamom, but I still knew that regardless of how it was prepared, I could eat it and enjoy it.
I will NOT pretend that my eating disorder was a distant memory this Thanksgiving. There is something about holidays that still brings out some of the habits and thought patterns that I have been so long trying to rewire.
It’s being surrounded by so much food, at a holiday where everything is so centered around food, and that food being the kind that I was for so long terrified to eat, that I still find myself being a little more on edge than I would typically be.
I still ate and joined in and had a great time with my family. I ate more than sat comfortably, and still somehow made room for dessert. But that fullness also triggered the all too familiar guilt and anxiety I used to feel every time I ate back in my disorder.
I had thoughts leading up to dinner that I needed to exercise before I could eat. I had thoughts afterwards that I would need to restrict the next day and go for a run in the morning, even though I have NOT gone for a morning run in close to a year.
The difference was that I had the thoughts, but that is largely all they were. Thoughts. Because along with these old thoughts, I had new ones.
Thoughts that this was thanksgiving, and its pretty freakin’ normal to eat more than usual. That this was one meal, one weekend, and I care more about being present with my family than working off the calories in a glass of wine.
Thanksgiving Sunday hike in Milne Conservation Area
And that kept me at the table, curled under blankets nursing a food baby under echoes of laughter instead of dashing out for a walk the moment dessert was served.
And no, I didn’t go for a run the next morning. I lazed around, drinking coffee until I eventually felt ready to eat again, and then went for a lovely, leisurely walk amid some beautiful fall foliage with my mother.
After years of thinking in black and white, right or wrong, good or bad, yes or no, I am learning the nuances of the in-between. I am striving for balance.
No, this weekend was NOT perfect. Not in how Covid interrupted our regularly scheduled programming, nor in my recovery. But it was a perfectly good weekend.
It showed me the places I’ve been, the ways in which I have grown, and the areas where I still have a little more work to do. And for all that, I am beyond grateful.
Beautiful way to spend Thanksgiving Sunday. No running required.
Things I am Grateful For Right Here, Right Now:
For my family being healthy and together
For the roommates that have made our house feel like a home, both new and old
For local vegan restaurants that make excellent tofurkey
For returning to my pole studio even if it was just for a few short weeks
For having a class of thirty kindergarteners who can all put a smile on my face
For every negative covid test that has come back at my school
For adult colouring books
For second dates
For the big little bit of nature in my city backyard
For the patience of my family and putting up with me at every phase and stage of my recovery
For crisp red leaves and blue october skies
For crunchy honey crisp apples and pumpkin spice oatmeal
In this week after Thanksgiving, what are you grateful for? How has this year challenged you? And how have you grown because of it?
Grateful for all of you reading this right now<3
-Jordan xox