Finding Gratitude this 2020 (Reflecting on a Covid Thanksgiving)
2020 has been a weird, difficult year. And so it makes sense that this past Thanksgiving has followed suit.
In these strange, difficult times of mask-wearing and toilet-paper shortages and hellish political circuses, gratitude may feel hard to come by. Especially for people that may not be able to gather together with the people they normally see, or do the activities or cooking ventures that may be usual traditions of this holiday.
However, gratitude, and feeling of feeling genuine thankfulness and contentment is NOT directly correlated to what is happening around us.
Gratitude is something that exists intrinsically within us, conjured by the way we choose to think and respond to whatever it is that may happening.
In this post, I hope to shed some light on some of the less obvious reasons I feel extremely blessed this season, despite many things being far from perfect at this moment. From missing people at our thanksgiving table, to a chaotic return to the classroom, and to bumps and blocks in my recovery, 2020 has been A YEAR.
However, just like the darkest of clouds, it is from these very circumstances that I have found reasons to feel grateful. For all I have, all I’ve done, and for all the future holds.
Starting off with this AMAZING tofu turkey. Usually love to cook one myself, but due to covid, we purchased one instead. Turns out I feel pretty grateful to have spent less time in the kitchen this Thanksgiving too.
Thanksgiving 2020— The Silver Linings
Tofurkey from Green Earth Cafe on the Danforth— and Jaeda looking at it enviously.
This Thanksgiving. I was lucky enough that I was able to come home to spend the weekend with my family. I was lucky I had the foresight to book a covid test weeks earlier, and was fortunate enough to receive my results the Friday evening before coming home.
I am also blessed that the school where I have been working has had zero cases since opening, and every one of my students who have been away with symptoms have come back with confirmed negative results.
I am also extremely lucky that my family has been doing their part to isolate and social distance so that it would be safe for me to come home, and also safe for me to return back downtown to my roommates and to my students.
Apple Crumble Pie
That being said, coming home wasn’t the same as it usually is for thanksgiving. We were not preparing a dinner for aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins, setting the table for up to twenty.
This year it was just immediate family, my brothers’ partner and my aunt with whom we have been longtime been podded up.
We wore masks as we served ourselves, two people at a time, and ate our meal outside, making use of space heaters and blankets.
I also did none of the cooking this year, being potentially the biggest risk at our gathering. I made a couple pies when the kitchen was empty, but the rest of the meal was quite literally out of my hands.,
Pumpkin Pie Oh My Oh My
In these moments, I realize how where I am now is very different from where I was several years ago. There was a time that I was so terrified of giving up control over my food I would have fought tooth and nail to prepare every bit of that dinner that I was going to eat, from the way the squash to the salad dressing to how the bread was sliced (diagonally). Back then, to be essentially locked out of the kitchen for the entire day of preparation would have been torturous.
This thanksgiving, while I did miss cooking, and the ritual of bumping elbows with my family in the process, it was not charged with underlying fear or anxiety. For the most part— I still hoped that the brussel sprouts would be tossed with garlic and lemon, and that the squash spiced with coriander and cardamom, but I still knew that regardless of how it was prepared, I could eat it and enjoy it.
I will NOT pretend that my eating disorder was a distant memory this Thanksgiving. There is something about holidays that still brings out some of the habits and thought patterns that I have been so long trying to rewire.
It’s being surrounded by so much food, at a holiday where everything is so centered around food, and that food being the kind that I was for so long terrified to eat, that I still find myself being a little more on edge than I would typically be.
I still ate and joined in and had a great time with my family. I ate more than sat comfortably, and still somehow made room for dessert. But that fullness also triggered the all too familiar guilt and anxiety I used to feel every time I ate back in my disorder.
I had thoughts leading up to dinner that I needed to exercise before I could eat. I had thoughts afterwards that I would need to restrict the next day and go for a run in the morning, even though I have NOT gone for a morning run in close to a year.
The difference was that I had the thoughts, but that is largely all they were. Thoughts. Because along with these old thoughts, I had new ones.
Thoughts that this was thanksgiving, and its pretty freakin’ normal to eat more than usual. That this was one meal, one weekend, and I care more about being present with my family than working off the calories in a glass of wine.
Thanksgiving Sunday hike in Milne Conservation Area
And that kept me at the table, curled under blankets nursing a food baby under echoes of laughter instead of dashing out for a walk the moment dessert was served.
And no, I didn’t go for a run the next morning. I lazed around, drinking coffee until I eventually felt ready to eat again, and then went for a lovely, leisurely walk amid some beautiful fall foliage with my mother.
After years of thinking in black and white, right or wrong, good or bad, yes or no, I am learning the nuances of the in-between. I am striving for balance.
No, this weekend was NOT perfect. Not in how Covid interrupted our regularly scheduled programming, nor in my recovery. But it was a perfectly good weekend.
It showed me the places I’ve been, the ways in which I have grown, and the areas where I still have a little more work to do. And for all that, I am beyond grateful.
Beautiful way to spend Thanksgiving Sunday. No running required.
Things I am Grateful For Right Here, Right Now:
For my family being healthy and together
For the roommates that have made our house feel like a home, both new and old
For local vegan restaurants that make excellent tofurkey
For returning to my pole studio even if it was just for a few short weeks
For having a class of thirty kindergarteners who can all put a smile on my face
For every negative covid test that has come back at my school
For adult colouring books
For second dates
For the big little bit of nature in my city backyard
For the patience of my family and putting up with me at every phase and stage of my recovery
For crisp red leaves and blue october skies
For crunchy honey crisp apples and pumpkin spice oatmeal
In this week after Thanksgiving, what are you grateful for? How has this year challenged you? And how have you grown because of it?
Grateful for all of you reading this right now<3
-Jordan xox