2022: A Year of Gains

2022 was a year I gained a lot. And I don’t just mean weight gains over the holidays. I am talking about the kind of mental, emotional, and yes, physical gains, that come when you open yourself to the opportunities that surround you.

This past year I have been gifted a lot of amazing experiences. I travelled (several times) to weddings, as well as a trip to Vegas.

I competed in my first pole competition for PSO Canada East.

I adopted a kitten who has become a well know adventure cat.

I got a permanent teaching position, raising me above the uncertainty of daily and long term occassional work, and into a new salary range.

I also made a new circle of friends within my Toronto neighbourhood, including neighbours in my building to share laughs and blunts and even keys with whenever we need a pet fed or walked.

And perhaps most noteably, I found a partner who is essentially the male version of myself, and who I love more than everything I love put together.

Truly, Ive had a lot of gains this year, as you can see. But it doesnt stop there. With all thuis happiness that has come my way, I also gained weight. I’m not going into numbers here, and I am not trying to make it seem as if I gained so much that I would be unrecognizeable on the street, but I will say certain clothes that fit me other Christmases would be a squeeze this year.

Sometimes I see a picture of myself or a video and feel a twinge of guilt that I’ve let my body go— even minimally. But the truth is, I really don’t think I could have had all the experiences and other life gains this year if I hadn’t.

This year, I truly commited myself to prioritizing connections and making memories over controlling my body. I made the choice to go out for drinks or to concerts and skip a workout. I made the choice to join in a group thai food order, or partake in a feast of indian food. I made the choice to ease up on my strict vegan tendencies and eat the muffin made with eggs, or try a bite of a a cheese stuffed ravioli.

I’m not saying that any of these things alone are the cause of a jump on a scale. I know friends and family members who enjoy all of the above on a regular basis, and their bodies stay pretty much the same. And I know continuing to be more relaxed around food, and joining in and sharing these meals and treats with others, I will not continue to gain weight for ever. Actually, I don’t think I’’ve really gained anything since I started writing this post a few weeks ago.

But even if I did, I wouldn’t regret it. The small, tight body that I had , particularly during my days of extreme restriction was a physical embodiment of my tight and rigid thinking. My life was about as full and voluptuous as my figure. In other words, the exact opposite. My days were calculated, measured, controlled.

And anything that threatened to disrupt that (such as a birthday dinner or night out) caused me anxiety and fear, instead of the excitement and revelry it should have.

Last January, I wrote a 2022 Manifesto for how I wanted to live my life. One of the things I wrote was “Memories over Calories.”

I’m so happy to say that I committed to that vision. And while it was not always easy or perfectly executed, I ended 2022 with more memories and moments of love and beauty and spontaneity than I could have imagined.

I’m hoping to gain even more in 2023. Here’s to making all the memories, joining in, and always prioritixing people and connection over numbers.

What are you hoping to gain this year?

Happy 2023,

-Jae

Self-Growth Challenge Complete (But its not Over)

I wrapped up the Spring Growth Challenge I made for myself a little bit ago. My last instagram post was actually a few weeks ago, but life got busy (and patios opened) and here I am on a rainy Friday afternoon typing up a post awhile in the making.

To recap, this is what I challenged myself to do for thirty days:

1. Do something creative (writing, painting, dancing, etc)

2. Wake up the same time every morning (one hour later on weekends)

3. Write down three things I am grateful for every morning and every night

4. Do one act of kindness 

And, most importantly, 

5. Post on Instagram my daily updates about this challenge.

So. How did it go?

1. Do something creative.I started off recording on my instagram posts the act of creativity I had done each day. Usually it was flowing or dancing, or writing. Once or twice it was water colour painting. I continued doing these creative things (not quite everyday) but I found writing so much in a post daunting, to the point where it was stopping me from posting as frequently. But I was still conscious of doing something that had me using my brain in a way that was not just thinking (or overthinking) something in the routine of my day.

Sometimes it took a little effort. Its easy for me to log on zoom for a pole class and just do whatever movement I am instructed. But when its just me, turning on some music and allowing my body to go with the beat and melody, it takes a few minutes to get into a flow. The first song comes on and awakens some emotional response in me, but like greasing a door that isn’t used often enough, it takes a few stiff, awkward movements before that emotion really translates into anything that looks or feels flowy. But I found if I committed to dancing to at least 2 whole songs, I would inevitably keep going for me, reaching that creative place of flow that actually felt good, where I wanted to keep dancing.

2. Wake up the same time every morning. I started this one out with the best intentions. However as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. So while I did start waking up a little earlier every day, my weekends still had me sleeping in a good 1.5 -2 hours later than my usual 8:08 AM wake up on my teaching days. That being said, waking up at 8:08 instead of 8:30 which I was doing before, put me back in a habit of journalling an doing yoga before sitting down at my computer. And that is a routine that I have continued to keep even since ending this challenge.

3. Write down three things I am grateful for every morning and every night.

I would say this was the most powerful act of all that I set out for myself in this challenge- despite it seeming like the most simple. Having kept gratitude journals on and off for a couple years now, it was not hard for me to come up with three things twice a day— most days I actually had many more listed. What I loved so much about this exercise is that it made me so much more mindful and optimistic every hour of the day— not just when it came to write.

I was constantly on the lookout for the little good things that I could include as part of my gratitude list later— from the sun coming out on my morning walk, to not having to wait for the elevator, to nailing a new pole trick. Everyday I noticed the little, simple things that were going my way. At first it was just for the sake of recording it later and put in a post. But after a bit it became habitual. And honestly, I feel like I felt a little bit happier every day because of it.

Started paying attention to little good things, like cold ciders on a warm night

4. Do one act of kindness.

This one felt a bit overwhelming at the beginning of the challenge. For the first few days, I was trying to schedule into my day chores or tasks that were undoubtedly kind, but also took some planning, money, or other resources not readily available. Baking cookies for a nursing home, or taking a neighbour shopping are really kind things, of course, but a little tough to do in a day when it feels like here is a million other things to be done.

So I focused more on spontaneous acts of kindness. Such as holding open a door, or sharing an elevator, offering to take a picture for someone, or giving a compliment. Walking down the street, Ill often see someone dressed beautifully, with a dog thats adorable, or wearing earrings I love. This challenge, I made a point to open my mouth and say this.

Sometimes, people were surprised. In that half a second after blurting out my compliment, before people registered that yes, it was me, a stranger, addressing them, there was a coldness or awkwardness in the air. But in the second that followed, when they realized it was in face a compliment, and genuine kindness, a big smile or moment of warmth always followed. And I swear, both of us left that exchange feeling like we were walking a little bit taller.

Spending time with my senior dog and my senior grandfather

So to wrap things up, it was a good month. It wasn’t perfect. Nor was it groundbreaking. But it was a nice little refresher for myself about what’s important, and how to live everyday in a way to make up a good, balanced, satisfying life. So I’m going forward now, keeping most of these habits, even if I am not recording it or posting it.

Except for going to bed earlier. That’s gonna take a bigger challenge.

What are you tackling next?

xoxo

Jordan

Spring Growth Challenge (an Inner Spring cleaning to grow your mindset)

#MayGrowth30 :

30 Days to a Healthier, Stronger, and Clearer Mind

I love spring.  There is something about this season of growth and renewal that has always sparked inspiration and excitement in me.  I suppose its seeing the changing of seasons, the melting of snow, and the slow invasion of green, new life life that makes me feel empowered to take undergo some of my own change and self-growth, and come out of the winter dormancy that so many of us find ourselves in.

Over the past several months, I have found myself in a bit of a mental rut. I’ve fallen into less-than-helpful patterns and habits. I stay up too late for no real reason, wake up feeling tired and lacking energy to face the day, and spend too much time in front of my computer, consuming content rather than creating it.

I have also found myself feeling more stressed and anxious over little things that really shouldn’t get to me, and in turn, becoming so wrapped up in my own problems that I am not always able to respond to the needs and feelings of others around me.

I value being a generous, kind, and compassionate person, and when my own mental health is suffering, I am not living up to this version of me.

And so, I am dedicating this month to spring cleaning my mental health.

Just like spring cleaning of our homes inside and out is a common occurrence with the end of winter, shaking the cobwebs off some of the goals and resolutions I have made for myself earlier in the year just seems to come as a natural inclination as soon as the days get longer and warmer.

Especially this year, where once again, we find ourselves in lockdown here in Toronto in these early days of spring.  It feels counter-intuitive to what spring usually inspires in me:  to be holed up by myself up indoors, cancel plans, and put off all the activities and gatherings that usually fill me with a new energy this season.  

So this May, I have decided I need to take kind of internal “spring cleaning”  into my own hands.  I am giving myself a 30- Day Spring Growth Challenge (#SpringGrowth30). 

I know that challenges especially these short and sweet month long endeavours are all over Instagram, TikTok and every other social media platform. A lot of them focus on our physical fitness or body goals (just Google Chloe Ting and you'll see what I mean). 

And while people may find some benefit out of these fitness-focused challenges,  the kind of change I am after is more holistic than that. I am trying to achieve mental, spiritual and emotional growth. 

More simply, I am trying to be a better human; a stronger, kinder, more resilient, more content, and more productive person. 

This is not an easy task, and it will require a lot of rewiring and retraining my brain to think different thoughts and form new habits. It won’t happen overnight.  It likely wont even happen in thirty days. 

But I am committed to making a good start over this next month, and making the necessary first steps to lay down the foundation for the kind of lasting change I want for myself. 

 I want to level-up my mindset.

Here are my goals for this challenge: 

Goals:

1. Shift my mindset from scarcity to abundance

2. Gain clarity on what passions I want to pursue

3. Be more productive (ie. get more done in pursuit of those passions)

4. Strengthen my relationships

5. Foster my creativity.

Without further ado, here is my 30-Day May Growth Challenge. 

May Growth Challenge

Everyday, I will:

1. Do something creative (writing, painting, dancing, etc)

2. Wake up the same time every morning (one hour later on weekends)

3. Write down three things I am grateful for every morning and every night

4. Do one act of kindness 

And, most importantly, 

5. Post on Instagram my daily updates about this challenge.

That last part of the challenge is *key.*  I will be keeping myself accountable through posting what I am grateful for each day (twice a day!), what time I woke up and went to bed the night before, and whatever creative outlet and act of kindness I may have done. 

I have also been beating myself up over not blogging or writing more.  So forcing myself to post about this challenge everyday on my seedling of an account @dayslikeblankpages will also work towards my goals of becoming a more productive person.   

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Jordan Elizabeth (@dayslikeblankpages)

So if you are curious on how I do, and how I (hopefully) grow in the next thirty days.  Follow me there.  Better yet, join in this challenge with me! 

Maybe you will share the same goals I do, and maybe you have unique goals of your own, and will make your own version of this challenge, whether its getting outside every day,  drinking more water, being more spontaneous, or being more organized, you can craft your challenge to meet your own unique goals and values.  

Day 1 starts tomorrow.   Stay tuned, and let’s GROW. 

(pun intended; you can take the teacher out of the classroom, but cant take the classroom out of the teacher!) 

How are you challenging yourself this month?

xxoo

-Jordan

February Favourites

In typical blogger fashion, here is a roundup of some of my favourite things this month. Perhaps a little atypical however, is the types of things I am listing here. There is no skincare or makeup and in fact a lot of things that don’t even have a link to a site where they can be bought. This is simply a roundup of things that have been adding to my life this past month. I am hoping now that some of them may find their way into yours. As I’ve written about before on this blog, its the little things that make life wonderful.

Favourite Drink

Soy Matcha Latte

Pre-lockdown, I got one of these at least once a week from starbucks. It was part of my routine to grab a matcha latte and spend a few hours writing in the cafe. Now that I am unable to stay i a Starbucks to work, I have gotten into a new habit of making these at home for myself— strong matcha tea, a little sweetener of your choice, (my favourite being vanilla coffee syrup!) and steamed soy milk. I am tempted to say better than Starbucks, but we all know I will be back handing them my money as soon as this lockdown is over.

Favourite Food

Peanut Butter Oatmeal

In these cold winter days, oatmeal has been my go-to breakfast. I thought I knew how to make good oatmeal, but it wasnt until I started adding peanut butter into the mix that my breakfast went from good to mind blowing. Lately, its been a diced apple or banana (and sometimes both!) with a big gob of peanut butter, and lots of cinnamon. I even double up on the peanut flavour adding in a scoop of powdered peanut butter along with a gob of the natural full fat stand-by. Extra protein, extra flavour, whats not to love? And secret tip: adding a few berries in at the end makes the whole bowl taste like peanut butter and jelly. I’m obsessed.

Favourite App

Wealth Simple

Who would’ve guessed that I would have ever found my way to the stock market? Until a month ago, I only ever picked up the newspaper to read my horoscope— let alone the business section! But after making some financial goals for myself this new year, and watching my brother and his friends venture into the brave new world of investing, I figured it was as good a time as ever to dip my toes in too. So my brother downloaded Wealthsimple onto my phone for me and I was off to the races!

With a super user-friendly interface, I am picking it up quick, and it is becoming an app that I am using (almost) as regularly as any of my social media accounts. Its an easy and simple way to get started in making your money make money for you. As a teacher, I know my income is never going to skyrocket, so I feel empowered having another means to make those $$ with some smart investments.

Favourite Podcast

What the Phalange?! Podcast

What the Phalange!? is a podcast about the TV show friends that goes through the series episode by episode, and tackling some of the problematic themes through it from a place of love and fandom. The issues and tone are light hearted enough that it never comes across as too heavy, but is not so light that it feels like I am listening to junk and lowering my intelligence. When I spend so much (too much) of my time consuming social media, I like putting on this podcast as I am out walking to balance that out with a dose of intelligent conversation with messages that are empowering and illuminating— and as an avid fan of friends, and the quirky banter of the two siblings who host this show, I feel like I am among friends as I listen in.

Favourite Activity

Forest Trail Dog Walks

Forest Therapy Trail in Markham, ON

Perhaps the hardest part about my recent foot injury is having to give up my little trail adventures with my dog Jaeda. I took me over 20 years of living in Markham to discover the intricate rouge valley trail system that existed just 5 minutes away from us in the smack middle of suburbia. For years, we would drive out to Durham Forest or Greenwood Forest in Ajax to get some trail time, and because it was a bit of a trek, we didn’t do it very often. Now, we get out multiple times a week to explore along the Forest Therapy Trail just minutes from mainstreet. If Jaeda wasn’t the thirteen year old senior she is, we could walk there!

There is nothing better than being out in nature in any season, but something about the sparkling white snow on a sunny winter day that is its own kind of magical. And watching a dog frolick around in snow banks like a puppy makes it that much better.

It will be hard going back to Toronto sidewalks after this.

Favourite Book

The Alice Network

I go through waves of reading, according to if what I am reading is more compelling than whatever my social media feeds have to show me. For the couple weeks it took me to devour The Alice network, my screen time was hella down. I am not usually an avid historical fiction reader, feeling too disconnected or bored by eras before my time. But this book, based on the intricate network of spies made up by a few badass women, has had me rethink this stance. This book is definitely not PG-13 and thank god for that.

And that concludes this little roundup of some of the things that have been making my life a little fuller this month. Its the little things— comfort foods, warm drinks, a good book, and some nature time, that balance out some of the bigger things that define our lives— goals, careers, and curveballs (like a broken foot) along the way.

Hoping you are making space for your own ways to recharge and find your balance this February. Feel free to leave a comment about one of YOUR favourite things lately.

exes and ohs,

Jordan

Finding Gratitude this 2020 (Reflecting on a Covid Thanksgiving)

2020 has been a weird, difficult year. And so it makes sense that this past Thanksgiving has followed suit.

In these strange, difficult times of mask-wearing and toilet-paper shortages and hellish political circuses, gratitude may feel hard to come by. Especially for people that may not be able to gather together with the people they normally see, or do the activities or cooking ventures that may be usual traditions of this holiday.

However, gratitude, and feeling of feeling genuine thankfulness and contentment is NOT directly correlated to what is happening around us.

Gratitude is something that exists intrinsically within us, conjured by the way we choose to think and respond to whatever it is that may happening.

In this post, I hope to shed some light on some of the less obvious reasons I feel extremely blessed this season, despite many things being far from perfect at this moment. From missing people at our thanksgiving table, to a chaotic return to the classroom, and to bumps and blocks in my recovery, 2020 has been A YEAR.

However, just like the darkest of clouds, it is from these very circumstances that I have found reasons to feel grateful. For all I have, all I’ve done, and for all the future holds.

Starting off with this AMAZING tofu turkey. Usually love to cook one myself, but due to covid, we purchased one instead. Turns out I feel pretty grateful to have spent less time in the kitchen this Thanksgiving too.

Thanksgiving 2020— The Silver Linings

Tofurkey from Green Earth Cafe on the Danforth— and Jaeda looking at it enviously.

This Thanksgiving. I was lucky enough that I was able to come home to spend the weekend with my family.  I was lucky I had the foresight to book a covid test weeks earlier, and was fortunate enough to receive my results the Friday evening before coming home.

I am also blessed that the school where I have been working has had zero cases since opening, and every one of my students who have been away with symptoms have come back with confirmed negative results.

I am also extremely lucky that my family has been doing their part to isolate and social distance so that it would be safe for me to come home, and also safe for me to return back downtown to my roommates and to my students.  

Apple Crumble Pie

That being said, coming home wasn’t the same as it usually is for thanksgiving. We were not preparing a dinner for aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins, setting the table for up to twenty.

This year it was just immediate family, my brothers’ partner and my aunt with whom we have been longtime been  podded up.

We wore masks as we served ourselves, two people at a time, and  ate our meal outside, making use of space heaters and blankets. 

I also did none of the cooking this year, being potentially the biggest risk at our gathering.  I made a couple pies when the kitchen was empty, but the rest of the meal was quite literally out of my hands., 

Pumpkin Pie Oh My Oh My

In these moments, I realize how where I am now is very different from where I was several years ago.  There was a time that I was so terrified of giving up control over my food I would have fought tooth and nail to prepare every bit of that dinner that I was going to eat, from the way the squash to the salad dressing to how the bread was sliced (diagonally). Back then, to be essentially locked out of the kitchen for the entire day of preparation would have been torturous.  

This thanksgiving, while I did miss cooking, and the ritual of bumping elbows with my family in the process, it was not charged with underlying fear or anxiety.  For the most part— I still hoped that the brussel sprouts would be tossed with garlic and lemon, and that the squash spiced with coriander and cardamom, but I still knew that regardless of how it was prepared, I could eat it and enjoy it.  

I will NOT pretend that my eating disorder was a distant memory this Thanksgiving. There is something about holidays that still brings out some of the habits and thought patterns that I have been so long trying to rewire.

It’s being surrounded by so much food, at a holiday where everything is so centered around food, and that food being the kind that I was for so long terrified to eat, that I still find myself being a little more on edge than I would typically be. 

I still ate and joined in and had a great time with my family. I ate more than sat comfortably, and still somehow made room for dessert.  But that fullness also triggered the all too familiar guilt and anxiety I used to feel every time I ate back in my disorder.  

I had thoughts leading up to dinner that I needed to exercise before I could eat.  I had thoughts afterwards that I would need to restrict the next day and go for a run in the morning, even though I have NOT gone for a morning run in close to  a year.  

The difference was that I had the thoughts, but that is largely all they were. Thoughts.  Because along with these old thoughts, I had new ones. 

Thoughts that this was thanksgiving, and its pretty freakin’ normal to eat more than usual.  That this was one meal, one weekend, and I care more about being present with my family than working off the calories in a glass of wine. 

Thanksgiving Sunday hike in Milne Conservation Area

And that kept me at the table, curled under blankets nursing a food baby under echoes of laughter instead of dashing out for a walk the moment dessert was served.

And no, I didn’t go for a run the next morning.  I lazed around, drinking coffee until I eventually felt ready to eat again, and then went for a lovely, leisurely walk amid some beautiful fall foliage with my mother.  

After years of thinking in black and white, right or wrong, good or bad, yes or no, I am learning the nuances of the in-between. I am striving for balance. 

No, this weekend was NOT perfect.  Not in how Covid interrupted our regularly scheduled programming, nor in my recovery.   But it was a perfectly good weekend.

  It showed me the places I’ve been, the ways in which I have grown, and the areas where I still have a little more work to do.   And for all that,  I am beyond grateful.  

Beautiful way to spend Thanksgiving Sunday. No running required.

 Things I am Grateful For Right Here, Right Now:

1. For my family being healthy and together

2. For the roommates that have made our house feel like a home, both new and old 

3. For local vegan restaurants that make excellent tofurkey

4. For returning to my pole studio even if it was just for a few short weeks

5. For having a class of thirty kindergarteners who can all put a smile on my face

6. For every negative covid test that has come back at my school

7. For adult colouring books

8. For second dates

9. For the big little bit of nature in my city backyard 

10. For the patience of my family and putting up with me at every phase and stage of my recovery 

11. For crisp red leaves and blue october skies

12. For crunchy honey crisp apples and pumpkin spice oatmeal

In this week after Thanksgiving, what are you grateful for? How has this year challenged you? And how have you grown because of it?

Grateful for all of you reading this right now<3

-Jordan xox

Everything Happens For A Reason (A Story of Blood and Granola)

I have gone through enough life to start to recognize that nothing happens for no reason. 

Even the most difficult, trying, and painful situations, that may seem impossible to make sense of at the time, always seem to have some unexpected truth borne from the ashes- even if it is years later.

Life is mysterious, unpredictable, and chaotic.  But I still believe that there is significance and silver linings in every seemingly unexpected turn of events.  

My experience of life thus far is relatively short. But I can still recall several occasions where life threw something at me that felt like a blow, but ended up being a gift that I didn’t know I needed.  

The walking boot I had to wear for most of Spring 2019

One such gift was a severed extensor tendon in my big toe. 

It was May 2019.  A couple years since in the worst of my eating disorder, and well into recovery… Mostly. I was eating regularly, flexibly, going out with friends, not over-exercising. 

However, my brain was still “hooked” on several compulsions and behaviours, and I was still operating under a huge fear of further weight gain.  I managed this fear through movement. 

While I was no longer working out for hours at the gym or running for kilometres on end, I was making every effort to maximize my activity everyday.  I was walking everywhere, taking the long way whenever possible, and even running a couple kilometres if the distance was longer than fit my time frame. I was doing yoga every morning, and often some other form of conditioning or strength training exercise in the evening if I wasn’t out walking.

It was never excessive in time or intensity, but the discomfort of being too sedentary in a day remained a lingering attachment of the days when it was.

The injury resulting from a jar of granola

I was frustrated.  In so many ways I felt “recovered”- except this need to walk and move.  And I was still not getting a monthly cycle, so my hormones were not up and running properly yet.

However, spring and the sunny weather was just ramping up, and the urge to join the legions of walkers and runners taking over the sidewalks was only mounting.

Then came a freak accident involving a jar of granola. After a late night of dancing and drinking at a wedding, I was at home, starving for breakfast. Wanting something fast and easy, I decided to throw together a big bowl of fruit and granola.

Somehow as I was grabbing the jar of granola off the shelf it slipped out of my hand and went crashing onto the floor (yes, I was hungover). 

Somehow, a piece of glass had broken in one very long shard, that landed diagonally across my foot as it shattered on the tile.  My foot was swimming in blood, glass, and granola.  

I’ll skip ahead a bit. 

At the hospital, I received 14 stitches to repair the severed tendon, a plaster cast, a set of crutches with the orders I could not bear weight on it for several weeks.  I was told that if I applied too much pressure that the stitches could break and the tendon would sever again.  

Suddenly, I was faced with one of the greatest challenges I had yet in recovery: I was being forced to be sedentary. My fear of not walking enough had become a reality of being unable to walk at all.  

Who knew granola could be so dangerous?

At the time, I couldn’t understand why the hell this was happening.  I blamed the freak nature of the accident, cursed my clumsiness, and moped in misery and frustration. 

However, I was told repeatedly by doctors to continue to nourish myself well, and how I still needed ample protein and energy in order for the tendon to strengthen and repair. 

So I had no choice, but to eat as I would normally, even though I was doing no movement that helped my brain justify the calories. 

And it was hard, the first week. 

But then it got easier.  I realized I could eat, and rest, and nothing drastic happened. 

After a few weeks I started to enjoy being able to sit around and chat with my roommates instead of walking across the city after work. 

It was freeing to read a book out on the porch, and still have a snack before dinner. 

And for the first month since the New Year, I got my period. My body was functioning even healthier than it was while exercising.

Yeah, the recovery process of healing that tendon sucked.  But now, along with the scar on my toe, I have been left with a greater sense of freedom regarding my relationship to movement, to my body, and ultimately, my intuition.

I still enjoy being active, but if there is a day that it doesn’t quite fit my schedule, or my frame of mind, I can go without.

While stillness is not always my first choice, it does not instill me with the same fear or dread. I know I can allow myself to rest, and more than that, periods of rest are healthy.    

In all honesty, If I hadn’t been forced into those months of stillness, I probably would have never been able to sit long enough to start this blog. 

It’s hard to dedicate time to hours of writing and posting when you’re compulsively walking everywhere.  

I still have the scar.

I’ve heard there are creams and oils to put on it, to make it disappear. I have yet to use any, because I really don’t mind it.  It remains a nice little token of the lesson I had to learn through a mason jar of granola.  

This is just one story of how life gifts you with something you need, even if you don’t know you want it. And the more of life I am living, the more I am realizing how often even the most uncomfortable or seemingly unfortunate of events ends up gifting us with some golden lesson or opportunity down the road.

Maybe what that is becomes apparent in the next month, or week, or year. Or maybe not until after you have lived your life time.

But it is comforting to think that in this big wide universe of ours, there may be some reason or meaning behind the chaos. I am not claiming to know anything.

But I will continue to embrace the idea that whatever life throws at me, I can handle it— and I will be stronger for it.

What lessons has life thrown at you?

xoxo

-Jordan

Growing versus Growing Up (Thoughts after 27 Years around the Sun)

This week I turned 27.  It’s not a big milestone birthday, but in that way it almost feels more weighted.  27 is significant in how seamlessly I now classify as someone in their “late twenties.” There is little novelty and pomp around this birthday, the way it was around 21 or 25. Turning 27, I am not old by any means, but I am no longer “new” to adulthood. I am all grown up.

Except not really.

In a lot of ways, I feel brand new to this adult existence.  

In terms of the place I am at and what I have accomplished so far in life, I am still young. I have friends who are the same age and yet not young in the same way, settled with partners sharing bedrooms, lives, mortgages, and even families. Friends with jobs that have benefits and yearly incomes, who talk about market prices in the city vs. the surrounding areas, and go furniture shopping not out of necessity but by choice.  

It’s not that I feel unaccomplished or wish I was at that point in my life. If anything, I wish that I could remain in the fresh-out-of-school, finding-yourself-stage for a little while longer.  I feel like I’m not done with my days of being untethered. 

And I don’t mean in terms of relationships.  I mean untethered to a single path or direction or vision of my life and way it is being shaped.  

I got off to a late start in my adult life.

I spent the majority of my teens and early twenties with an eating disorder, which caused me to miss out on the kinds of connections and memories that can only come from spontaneous nights out that end drunk ordering pizza to someone’s apartment. And then entering recovery, I essentially surrendered my independence to my family and treatment team in order to get better.

So while all my friends were moving out and starting careers, I was on temporary leave, living in my childhood bedroom, on a strict recovery meal plan enforced and implemented by my parents. While other 24 year olds were updating their CVs and planning travel adventures, I was completing a daily meal log to be reviewed and approved by my therapist and dietician.

After two years of family-based treatment, I was finally healthy enough to step into my independence and grow into the next chapter of my life. So at 25, I moved out of my parents’ house for the first time and landed myself in a house full of roommates. I was doing things for the first time on my own, like shopping and paying for groceries, making rent each month, and washing my sheets. It was a learning curve, and a little unnerving. 

I felt like an 18-year old off to my first year of college.  Instead I was 25, with a new teaching contract with the Toronto school board, a masters degree, and a meal log. 

I am only now at 27 starting to feel like I have found a bit of a rhythm in this adultness of life.  I no longer go into whirls of anxiety over grocery shopping, or the idea of budgeting for household items like paper towel and toilet paper. 

I pay my rent each month automatically a day before its due, and I recently took on my own phone bill too (thanks dad).  I like coming home to my house of four roommates, flopping onto the couch with a glass of wine and lamenting about that guy I liked who turned out to be an asshole. I like having a contract teaching a certain grade at a certain school, with a definite start and end, because I like the idea that there is something different that comes after. 

I still follow DJs and entertainment groups on instagram, because I am still holding out for another summer of music festivals and events, which I only got to taste in my eating disorder, and put on hold in my recovery. 

Now I want to sink my teeth in.  

However, I also feel the pull of solid ground beneath my feet, to find one centre of gravity.  I’ve spent years floating, orbiting erratically,  attached to many things but never something solid enough to keep me flying.

And this groundedness will NOT come from chasing highs at music festivals, a new fitness goal, or a living arrangement. 

This groundedness will be found when I surrender to the process of accepting myself as I am, where I am, and where I am going. 

I am 27. I am no lo longer a little girl, an angsty teen or a university student still “figuring it out.”  I am a woman, strong and independent, who has been through enough of life to know what is worth pursuing and what to let go of in that greater pursuit.  

I don’t need to force myself into a mold, or meet a certain deadline.

I don’t need to manipulate my body to look a certain way. Equating beauty to worth is unsustainable happiness.  For even if I managed to get my body close to the standard I may have in my head, it will only be a short matter of time before gravity and the the sun take their toll and kick off the natural aging process that our society demonizes.  And so, at 27, I am grateful for the health and youth of my body as it is right now. 

I will live this year and the ones going forward without restricting myself in any way. 

I am shifting the narrative-- rather than making my body my masterpiece, I will focus on making my life my masterpiece instead.  My body is simply the instrument that will get me there. 

A few years ago, I   had no vision or understanding of my life beyond the moment I was in.  Each day felt like a mountain I needed to scale, and it felt impossible to picture anything realistic beyond that.  But now, the path I am travelling is infinitely less steep.  I can see a little further ahead of me, and I can start to map it out a little. 

I don’t need to pin down the exact route, or even specific destination, but I can at least choose a direction, and commit to the journey to get there.  

I do not have any big concrete goals for this year, especially with all the external uncertainty at present (thanks covid!). 

I am not expecting a permanent teaching job to come within my grasp, I am not planning some extravagant travel adventure, or even changing my relationship status. 

I am not opposed to any of these things happening this year, but if they don’t, I will NOT feel like I’ve failed in any way.  

Rather than make goals for the year, I am shifting my focus to the way I live every day.  If I can go to bed every night feeling like I did the best I could to make the most of each moment that day, I’ll be making this year a smashing success.  It’s the little steps, NOT the big leaps, to which I’m devoting my attention.  

Ultimately,  my goal for 27 is to  make every day count.

I’m living for the journey, relishing the good parts of everyday, not postponing celebration for some elusive destination.