Finding Gratitude this 2020 (Reflecting on a Covid Thanksgiving)
2020 has been a weird, difficult year. And so it makes sense that this past Thanksgiving has followed suit.
In these strange, difficult times of mask-wearing and toilet-paper shortages and hellish political circuses, gratitude may feel hard to come by. Especially for people that may not be able to gather together with the people they normally see, or do the activities or cooking ventures that may be usual traditions of this holiday.
However, gratitude, and feeling of feeling genuine thankfulness and contentment is NOT directly correlated to what is happening around us.
Gratitude is something that exists intrinsically within us, conjured by the way we choose to think and respond to whatever it is that may happening.
In this post, I hope to shed some light on some of the less obvious reasons I feel extremely blessed this season, despite many things being far from perfect at this moment. From missing people at our thanksgiving table, to a chaotic return to the classroom, and to bumps and blocks in my recovery, 2020 has been A YEAR.
However, just like the darkest of clouds, it is from these very circumstances that I have found reasons to feel grateful. For all I have, all I’ve done, and for all the future holds.
Starting off with this AMAZING tofu turkey. Usually love to cook one myself, but due to covid, we purchased one instead. Turns out I feel pretty grateful to have spent less time in the kitchen this Thanksgiving too.
Thanksgiving 2020— The Silver Linings
Tofurkey from Green Earth Cafe on the Danforth— and Jaeda looking at it enviously.
This Thanksgiving. I was lucky enough that I was able to come home to spend the weekend with my family. I was lucky I had the foresight to book a covid test weeks earlier, and was fortunate enough to receive my results the Friday evening before coming home.
I am also blessed that the school where I have been working has had zero cases since opening, and every one of my students who have been away with symptoms have come back with confirmed negative results.
I am also extremely lucky that my family has been doing their part to isolate and social distance so that it would be safe for me to come home, and also safe for me to return back downtown to my roommates and to my students.
Apple Crumble Pie
That being said, coming home wasn’t the same as it usually is for thanksgiving. We were not preparing a dinner for aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins, setting the table for up to twenty.
This year it was just immediate family, my brothers’ partner and my aunt with whom we have been longtime been podded up.
We wore masks as we served ourselves, two people at a time, and ate our meal outside, making use of space heaters and blankets.
I also did none of the cooking this year, being potentially the biggest risk at our gathering. I made a couple pies when the kitchen was empty, but the rest of the meal was quite literally out of my hands.,
Pumpkin Pie Oh My Oh My
In these moments, I realize how where I am now is very different from where I was several years ago. There was a time that I was so terrified of giving up control over my food I would have fought tooth and nail to prepare every bit of that dinner that I was going to eat, from the way the squash to the salad dressing to how the bread was sliced (diagonally). Back then, to be essentially locked out of the kitchen for the entire day of preparation would have been torturous.
This thanksgiving, while I did miss cooking, and the ritual of bumping elbows with my family in the process, it was not charged with underlying fear or anxiety. For the most part— I still hoped that the brussel sprouts would be tossed with garlic and lemon, and that the squash spiced with coriander and cardamom, but I still knew that regardless of how it was prepared, I could eat it and enjoy it.
I will NOT pretend that my eating disorder was a distant memory this Thanksgiving. There is something about holidays that still brings out some of the habits and thought patterns that I have been so long trying to rewire.
It’s being surrounded by so much food, at a holiday where everything is so centered around food, and that food being the kind that I was for so long terrified to eat, that I still find myself being a little more on edge than I would typically be.
I still ate and joined in and had a great time with my family. I ate more than sat comfortably, and still somehow made room for dessert. But that fullness also triggered the all too familiar guilt and anxiety I used to feel every time I ate back in my disorder.
I had thoughts leading up to dinner that I needed to exercise before I could eat. I had thoughts afterwards that I would need to restrict the next day and go for a run in the morning, even though I have NOT gone for a morning run in close to a year.
The difference was that I had the thoughts, but that is largely all they were. Thoughts. Because along with these old thoughts, I had new ones.
Thoughts that this was thanksgiving, and its pretty freakin’ normal to eat more than usual. That this was one meal, one weekend, and I care more about being present with my family than working off the calories in a glass of wine.
Thanksgiving Sunday hike in Milne Conservation Area
And that kept me at the table, curled under blankets nursing a food baby under echoes of laughter instead of dashing out for a walk the moment dessert was served.
And no, I didn’t go for a run the next morning. I lazed around, drinking coffee until I eventually felt ready to eat again, and then went for a lovely, leisurely walk amid some beautiful fall foliage with my mother.
After years of thinking in black and white, right or wrong, good or bad, yes or no, I am learning the nuances of the in-between. I am striving for balance.
No, this weekend was NOT perfect. Not in how Covid interrupted our regularly scheduled programming, nor in my recovery. But it was a perfectly good weekend.
It showed me the places I’ve been, the ways in which I have grown, and the areas where I still have a little more work to do. And for all that, I am beyond grateful.
Beautiful way to spend Thanksgiving Sunday. No running required.
Things I am Grateful For Right Here, Right Now:
For my family being healthy and together
For the roommates that have made our house feel like a home, both new and old
For local vegan restaurants that make excellent tofurkey
For returning to my pole studio even if it was just for a few short weeks
For having a class of thirty kindergarteners who can all put a smile on my face
For every negative covid test that has come back at my school
For adult colouring books
For second dates
For the big little bit of nature in my city backyard
For the patience of my family and putting up with me at every phase and stage of my recovery
For crisp red leaves and blue october skies
For crunchy honey crisp apples and pumpkin spice oatmeal
In this week after Thanksgiving, what are you grateful for? How has this year challenged you? And how have you grown because of it?
Grateful for all of you reading this right now<3
-Jordan xox
#Black Bodies Matter- the Intersections of Race and EDs
I had a different post planned for this week. It’s a long one, with lots of research behind it busting myths and misconceptions in eating disorders. However, given recent events in the US as well as in our own country, I realize there is one myth in particular that needs to be busted. This is the misconception that eating disorders are a “white people disease.”
There is widespread stigma that black people “don’t get eating disorders.” Often times, when a black person appears underweight or malnourished, others assume it is due to an addiction, drug problem, or other stigmatic issue problematically associated with the colour of their skin (Saren, 2012)
This stigma is so pervasive, that sufferers themselves often do not seek treatment, either because they fear prejudice and stereotyping from healthcare professionals, family, friends, and others, or simply because they do not recognize the disorder in themselves.
Denial is a big enough issue in white suffers of EDs— however it is often a doctor or a friend or family member that pushes that person to seek help. However, when that sufferer is in a black body and in denial, there is rarely someone else that recognizes the issue for what it is, even if all the symptoms are there. Many black sufferers themselves assume the myth that “black people don’t get eating disorders.”
Not only do eating disorders affect people of every ethnicity, but certain racial groups, particularly people of colour, are disadvantaged by barriers and stigmas that exist due to systemic and internalized racism.
More plainly said,the inherent racism that pervades our society is preventing people in black bodies from getting the help they need to recover.
Checking My Privilege
I am only starting to unravel the complex and very real racial issues inherent in the realm of EDs and mental health.
What I have shared so far is from research I have done, reading articles, studies, and personal accounts. I am now undertaking an ongoing process of educating myself, in hopes of alleviating my own ignorance and misconceptions as someone who has only ever experienced ED through the lens of white privilege.
My voice is NOT the most knowledgeble, or powerful, or important by any means in this area. I am NOT speaking for, or to, but in solidarity with every sufferer, survivor, and ally of an ED or other mental health issue who happens to be in a black body.
So I will not attempt to rephrase or condense much else about these racial issues in this post. Rather, I will direct you to some of the eyeopening articles and inspiring accounts that I have been directed to myself in pursuit of deepning my education.
Mental Health is a Race Issue
Mental health has enough stigma surrounding it already- and most treatment is confounded by issues of accessibility, funding, and structure as it is. Couple the intersecting barriers that come with racial prejudice and oppression makes the battle exponentially harder for black people who are struggling.
Eating disorders, and other mental illnesses do not discriminate. The same genes that predispose people to develop anorexia and other EDs exist across all races and ethnicities. It is time to approach the recognition and treatment of these disorders with seriousness, expertise, and knowledgable and effective care for all sufferers, in all bodies.
Eye Opening Statistics About Race and Eating Disorders:
Black teenagers are 50% more likely than white teenagers to exhibit bulimic behavior, such as binging and purging (Goeree, Sovinsky, & Iorio, 2011).**
People of colour with self-acknowledged eating and weight concerns were significantly less likely than white participants to have been asked by a doctor about eating disorder symptoms, despite similar rates of eating disorder symptoms across ethnic groups. (Becker, 2003).
**(**https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/people-color-and-eating-disorders)
Educate Yourself: Resources about Racism and Mental Health
Ethnicity and Access To Treatment
The Science of EDs has an article regarding the disproportionate number of white patients recieving treatment compared to any other race, particularly blacks. This is illustrated through this diagram included by the author of this article:
image property of Science of EDs
https://www.scienceofeds.org/2012/06/01/ethnicity-access-to-treatment/
Racism and Mental Health in The Black Community
Sherri Williams, a PhD and advocate for anti-racism and…. wrote an article for SELF articulating her own experience with depression as a black woman. She writes:
“…racism “can adversely affect mental health in direct and indirect ways. It can inflict psychological trauma, create unfavorable socioeconomic conditions that increase the risk of psychiatric disorders by as much as threefold, and lead to negative feelings of self-worth and wellbeing” (Williams 2017).
https://www.self.com/story/racism-mental-health-in-the-black-community
Black Americans: How To Cope with Anxiety and Racism
The four authors preface their article on anxiety.com with this note:
“Within the Black community, we generally acknowledge and discuss experiences of racism and the detrimental impact of racism on equitable access to resources (including education, housing, health care, etc.). We less frequently discuss the detrimental impact racism often has on our mental health. In this article, we draw attention to the link between experiences of racism and mental health, with a specific focus on anxiety disorders and symptoms, which are among the most commonly diagnosed mental health disorders in the United States. We also discuss coping strategies that may be beneficial in the face of experiences of racism. It is important to emphasize that we, as Black Americans, are not at all responsible for the existence or experience of racism and unfairly are burdened with the responsibility of coping with the painful existence of these oppressive experiences” ( Graham-LoPresti, Ph.D, et al., 2016)
https://www.anxiety.org/black-americans-how-to-cope-with-anxiety-and-racism
African American Women and Eating Disorders, Depression, and the Strong Black Woman Archtype
Carolyn Coker Ross, MD, MPH, CEDS unpacks the history of trauma of black people in North American society, along with current stressors and racial discretions this population continues to face that in part combine to create the “Strong Black Woman Archethype or SBW. Coker writes:
“…the effects of racism from the past and present, and the trauma associated with racism, may play a critical role in black women’s health. Past historical depictions and the trauma associated with racism must be considered when dealing with and effectively treating eating disorders in the black female population” (Coker, 2017).
We Are Failing at Treating Eating Disorders in Minorities
Kristen Fuller M.D (2019) examines how racial stereotyping and prejudice affects how people of diverse races, genders, and sexual orientations are diagnosed and treated (or not) for eating disorders, citing the findings of several studies:
“…there is a large amount of discrimination coming from healthcare providers surrounding the stereotypes associated with eating disorders. “When presented with identical case studies demonstrating disordered eating symptoms in white, Hispanic and Black women, clinicians were asked to identify if the woman’s eating behavior was problematic. 44% identified the white woman’s behavior as problematic; 41% identified the Hispanic woman’s behavior as problematic, and only 17% identified the Black woman’s behavior as problematic. The clinicians were also less likely to recommend that the Black woman should receive professional help (Lee and Lock, 2007)”
*Lee HY and Lock, J: Anorexia nervosa in Asian-American adolescents: do they differ from their non-Asian peers? International Journal of Eating Disorders 2007;40:227-231
Black Women and Eating Disorders
Mikki Kendall, the author of “Hood Feminism” wrote this article for the NY Times about her experience as a black woman with an eating disorder, bringing to light the damaging culture around body and fatphobia in relation to female black bodies. Kendall writes:
“I was black. The societal narratives that position the curviness of black girls’ bodies as a warning sign of future obesity mean that as young women, we’re often congratulated for watching our weight when our food restriction might actually be the symptom of a real mental health problem” (Kendall, 2007).
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/21/opinion/sunday/black-women-eating-disorders.html
I know that I will never understand. But I stand.
This article is just the beginning. In solidarity with all those who suffer eating disorders, compacted by the existence of systemic racism and oppression, I endeavour to continue educating myself, growing in awareness and comprehension of the intersectionality of race and mental health in our society.
While on this blog I post from my own experience as a white, heterosexual, smaller-bodied female, I hope to make it clear that I recognize and empathize with the diverse experiences of all sufferers of EDs and other mental health issues.