10 More Things I Learned During Covid Isolation
This is a continuation from my last post, where I talk about my experience of having Covid just before Christmas.
I tried to narrow what I learned from 10 days on my own to 10 items, but I failed miserably. So here are 10 more things isolation taught me.
To read the first 10 learnings from my experience with Covid click here.
10 (more) things I learned in Covid Isolation
It’s a good time to make a photobook whilst in quarantine.
Photobook creation websites like Photobook Canada (which I used) have some pretty amazing programs to create truly unique and professional books. 10 days honestly flew by just learning how to use the different features, and create a photo cookbook of all my Nana’s recipes that I was sure my mom would love. Honestly, hours went by without a thought dedicated to this very consuming project.
It takes a f***ing long time to put together a photobook.
Spoiler: It took me so long to make the photobook that it did not arrive in time for Christmas. On the final day of my isolation, I actually kind of wished I had another day or two to finish working on it in peace.
Sometimes exercise feels unproductive.
Don’t get me wrong, I will always feel a high after finishing a workout, whether its a HIIT workout, a challenging pole class, or a long walk. But when you have a 100 page document (or photo cookbook) to edit and a fast approaching deadline, sweating for the sake of sweating or leaving your house to walk the same route for an hour only to arrive back where you started feels rather redundant. For that reason, as well as for the sake of my immune system that was currently being attacked by virus particles, I took a pretty big step back from exercise during my isolation. And I felt pretty accomplished by the end of it.
I own too few pairs of pajamas.
Pretty much all I wore the entire 10 days I was isolating. And the few days I was sick and without test results before that. I even started walking my dog in my PJ’s, just throwing on my boots and coat. How many days did I go wearing the same pajama bottoms? I will take the answer of that to my grave.
Bras are overrated.
See above. The closest thing I came to a bra were the sports bras I would wear for pole. And sometimes they doubled as a shirt paired with my PJ bottoms for the rest of the day. I had surprisingly very little laundry to do after those 10 days quarantined at home.
Even introverts succumb to loneliness at some point.
While I am not a through and through introvert (hello Leo), I definitely have an introverted side along with my streak of independence. For most of quarantine, I was pretty content with my puzzles, a hallmark Christmas movie, and my pole. However, there were times where I really and truly felt like an outsider to the rest of the world. I would see instagram stories and posts of friends getting together for christmas parties, work events, or even just coffee dates and that’s when loneliness would hit. In those moments, I would even consider giving up my PJ pants for some human interaction.
A bit of dancing everyday keeps sadness at bay.
While I didn’t do much in terms of “working out,” most days I did end up finding my way to my pole, fuelled by my Spotify playlist of a few good songs in a row. I just moved and grooved and spun myself around, for as long or as little as I was feeing, and inevitably, I came out of those dance sessions with a little happiness boost. Well worth the slight feeling of out of breathness after (which did thankfully go away after my 5th or 6th day in isolation).
Even dogs need space.
For 10 days, it was just me and my 13 year old husky/shepherd Jaeda. I am a cuddler. Jaeda less so. Craving some form of interaction and affection, I often looked to Jaeda for a good cuddle session. She would always oblige for awhile, but after 10 or so minutes had past of me skootching into her bed with her, she would look sideways at me, give a little groan, and heave her old bones off of her cushy bed to lay on the floor in another room alone. It could be said that perhaps Jaeda fared isolation even better than I did.
Thank God for Facetime.
In the moments I didn’t even have the affection of my dog to quell my feelings of loneliness, Facetime was always there to give me to the kind of human connection only eye contact, facial expression, and a familiar voice can offer. To all the beloved friends who called to check in on me, or answered my calls where I had very little new and exciting to share, you know who you are, and you are appreciated.
There are some hidden gem christmas movies on Netflix.
I watched more Christmas movies this year than I have in the past three years combined, thanks to Covid. As someone who is not all that fond of rewatching movies, especially those of the Hallmark variety, I was pleasantly surprised to find several new ones that were more than decent. At the top of my list were Lovehard, Let it Snow, A Knight for Christmas, A California Christmas and Klaus.
So there we have it. 10 Learnings from 10 days in Isolation. In the end, not all that miserable, and in many ways, rewarding. But would I willingly do it again? Probably not. I prefer my puzzles with a side of conversation. And I am running out of pajamas.
Have you had to isolate for covid? How did you kill the time?
Happy New Year,
Jordan xoxo
A Very Covid Christmas (again)- and 10 Things I Learned in Isolation
This Christmas I officially joined the covid club. I still have no idea where I got it, although between teaching in person and a busy social life, there are several possibilities. I am very lucky, in that my symptoms were mild. I had a scratchy throat, and a light cough for a few days, but in all honesty if it was not covid times, I would have felt guilty taking off any more than a day of work for it.
It started with feeling tired , and as a new teacher I didn’t really consider that a symptom, as much as an unavoidable way of life. But then my throat started feeling weird. I thought I was just dehydrated. It wasn’t so much sore as it was scratchy. Honestly it was only as I was sipping a beer in the distillery, feeling as if lacerations were being lit up as I swallowed the carbonated liquid that I started to make the connection. However, after two bouts of pretty bad colds/flus already this fall, I wasn’t super concerned it was covid. I really just didn’t want to be sick in any kind of way in these weeks leading up to christmas.
I went home, went to bed , thinking a good sleep would help. Instead I was up half the night feeling feverish, hot and cold at the same time, with a pounding headache, and achy as if I had arthritis in my hips. At 4:30 that morning I sent an email with my principal with typo laden plans explaining my absence that day.
I woke up feeling much better. My fever was gone (did I even have one in the first place? I wondered). My throat felt much better, and my headache was mostly gone too. I did have some phlegm and a cough, but it was much milder than the cough I had the last time I was sick, and that was not covid.
I somehow miraculously did not infect any member of my family, despite seeing them over the weekend and on the very day I started having symptoms, and for that I am eternally grateful. I did, however, land my lovely roommate with Covid for the second time. And unlike me, who luckily gets to leave my isolation the eve before Christmas eve, she only started having symptoms a few days ago and must spend Christmas on her lonesome until the 27th. She isn’t holding it against me, and I’ve been showering her with early Christmas gifts including a delivery of Craig’s Cookies and an UberEats gift card, but I still feel awful to have thrown a wrench into her family Christmas plans.
The most distressing part of this whole debacle is that I have to suffer the inconvenience of 10 days of isolation during the week of excitement and anticipation leading up to the 25th. I missed several Christmas events, including the annual Christmas reunion dinner with my high school friend group, and our family Christmas on the 19th with cousins who live in BC was cancelled completely. My hopes of sipping (chugging) mulled wine with my cousins watching our parents get equally as toasted were dashed.
But as I am continuously reminded, it is just the times.
I feel like I’m going through the ultimate 2020 rite of passage having covid. In a fucked up kind of way, receiving my positive result from a PCR test almost felt like a golden ticket to Wonka’s factory-- something I had heard about, and always knew was a possibility, but never quite believed I would ever be the recipient. It felt as if I was just hearing the term “Omnicom” and gossip about Covid becoming a big “thing” again, when all of a sudden I had it.
People are continuously fascinated by Covid. It has this air of intrigue composed of both awe and fear around it, the virus equivalent of “He Who Must Not Be Named” (AKA Voldemort, for the non-potter-heads). When I got my test result, I contacted all the people I had seen the weekend leading up to it. The owner of my pole studio sent out a message to those I had been in class with me letting them know they had been in contact with “a positive case.” “Don’t worry! The owner assured me. I didn’t say it was you! I Kept it anonymous. It was very kind of her to do that, but also, why do we have this attached shame complex to a positive test? Its not as if anyone conspires to get covid and then spread it to as many people as they can. Its a virus that as a world, we are all fighting together.
Friends reached out with the same questions:
How are you?
What are your symptoms?
How did you get it?
My not very exciting responses were okay, fine, and no idea. They were relieved I was okay, but at the dame time there is a sense of disappointment. Like that’s it? This is what we’ve been hiding from for close to 2 years?
I get it. But still, I am grateful that this, for me, is all covid was.
My isolation companion, Jaeda
10 Things I learned in Covid Isolation
Covid feels like a mild cold (and I thank being vaxxed for that.)
I’ve been sick three times this fall/winter already, and each time my symptoms were much more severe than this. Other than a short bout of feeling feverish in the middle of the night when I first started feeling off, covid felt no worse than a mild cold. I had a scratchy throat for two days, and a very light cough and not a ton of energy for a few more after that. However, by day 4 or 5, I would’ve been back to my regularly scheduled life if what I had wasn’t covid.
I know some people might take this as proof that covid really isn’t a big deal, and that there are unnecessary precautions and restrictions being made out of fear/ corruption/ ignorance etc… But I am pretty confident that being double vaxxed probably had something to do with the very mild and manageable experience I had. And, for what I am very grateful, keeping my parents and family, and students from not getting infected by me, considering I was in close contact with many people right up until the night I had my fever. Yes, I got covid, BUT it could have been MUCH worse.
2. It's very convenient to isolate in walking distance to family.
This fall, my grandfather moved into a care home, leaving his house right next to my family home empty, Even before I got my official positive test result, my parents invited me to do my isolation in this empty house so I would have room to sprawl out and also be nearby for them to help me out. I know I am beyond lucky to have this convenient set up, but it was honestly a life saver. And every home cooked meal that was lovingly delivered to my door did not go unappreciated.
My Grandfather’s empty house where I spent the past 10 days in isolation
3. I will never again take for granted the opportunity to grocery shop in person.
Grocery delivery services and Instacart are very convenient, and during my 10 days of isolation, they kept me well fed and well stocked. But as a grocery shopper, I am much more of an in-the moment impulse buyer of what looks good versus writing a list. I swear I spend longer navigating the instacart website, trying to rack my brain for what I want to eat for the next week versus walking the aisles and buying what looks yummy at a good price. I also felt denied the experience of food shopping in the days before christmas… Meandering the festive displays of chocolates and oranges and fresh figs as Christmas music blares through the aisles. People watching the festive folk grocery shopping in Santa hats and holiday sweaters , carts filled with things for entertaining like wheels of brie, giant panettone, and cartons of egg nog. Maybe I am a bit of an odd duck, missing food shopping in this way but there's nothing like being locked indoors for an extended period that makes you miss these ordinary experiences of being human.
4. I am more introverted than I thought
At first, the prospect of having to isolate for 10 days sent me into a spiral of dread. I hate being alone, I thought. I am an extrovert! I need people. Turns out I can be pretty content on my own with a puppy, a home pole studio, and a puzzle. I was able to get lots of writing done, make several gifts for family, friends, and their dogs (hello, hand sewn bandanas) and watch anything I wanted without compromise. Actually by dat 9, I was kind of wishing I had one more day of isolation to get a little bit more done before my time was up and I was thrown back into the mayhem of a family christmas.
5. I still remember the majority of every Taylor Swift song
I love to sing, but living in close quarters with a roommate, I never subjected her every often to my belting it out musical theatre style impromptu concerts. In a big house on my lonesome, with Taylor Swift playing on my spotify, I didn't hold back. Turns out I remember the obscure lyrics from obscure tracks on Red and 1984 just as well as I did back in 2010.
6. Christmas cookies taste better when you can share them
Near the end of my isolation, when I figured I was mostly noncontagious, I started christmas baking, making dozens of beautiful cookies. It felt nice to bake, but when you are sharing the finished result of a perfectly shaped sugar cookie or lightly whipped aquafaba meringue with none but yourself and your dog, the joy falls flat just a little. I could've eaten oreos with my hot chocolate after that day of baking and been equally as satisfied, and created much less of a mess.
7. The truest friends don’t forget about you when you are MIA (out of sight out of mind)
Despite my new discovery of an introverted side, it was really amazing to hear from friends throughout my isolation. I totally get out of sight out of mind, and I hate to say I often fall into that pattern of interaction, especially with friends and family in different cities and provinces. So when I was dropped off a covid care package from my extremely thoughtful long time friend, I felt loved and appreciated and cared for, and I think that itself made the entire isolation experience so much more endurable. Even something as simple as the texts I received from various friends and family checking in on me, or saying hi in just a sentence or less were beautiful reminders of the connections I had in my life, and the friendships I do not take for granted.
covid care package from a dear friend <3
8. A walk does not need to be 5 kilometres
In isolation, technically you are not supposed to leave yourself. In a very quiet street in the suburbs, I made an exception twice a day (morning and night) to venture out to walk my dog (masked) and keeping away from people. My dog is 13. We do not go far and we do not go fast. The furthest we ever go is barely 2 kilometres and it takes close to 45 minutes, with lots of breaks for sniffing things. Usually however, it's closer to ½ a kilometre, to the park to walk through a woodlot and back .
Before getting covid, I had a pretty ingrained habit of getting at least 5 km in a day. Sometimes it was all at once. Sometimes it was a few kilometres to school, a few back, and then another few over lunch. Anything less felt well-- lazy. After 10 days of slowing down to Jaeda’s senior citizen pace, I realize getting out for just a slow walk around the block can do just as much for my spirits and energy as a speedy 7 km loop around the city. Also, I think having a dog as company on these walking ventures is also a big factor in the happiness level achieved.
9. It's okay to walk zero kilometres a day.
Expanding on the last point a little more. There were some days in my isolation where Jaeda was sore or the weather was rainy and miserable where it made no sense to break covid protocol and venture outside. And while the first day this happened I felt pretty anxious , I did it and (obviously) nothing bad happened. If anything, it felt freeing. As much as it was a downer getting covid, especially at christmas time, in a way I am thankful that it forced me to face this very deceptive compulsion I have continued to hang onto. As healthy of a habit of walking every day is, the fact that I was doing it pretty compulsively was important for me to break.
10. After a long time of not being around other people, it starts to matter less what they might think.
In isolation I didn’t wear makeup for the whole 10 days. I also did not wear anything but pajamas (and pole shorts) for most of that 10 days either. At first, the exception was putting on a pair of leggings to go walk the dog. But in the latter half of my isolation period, I found myself not caring enough to get up and change out of my pjs and would simply throw on a coat over my fuzzy plaid pj bottoms before leaving the house. After doping it once, I did it every time. I didn’t even feel silly. I just felt like a girl walking her dog in her pajamas and I owned it.
I came out of isolation on the eve of December 23rd, just in time to celebrate christmas with my family. In some ways, it was a very convenient circumstance of covid. But I am still happy its over.
Out of isolation, Christmas morning. Jaeda was happy too.
How was your covid christmas?
xoxo
Jordan
Self-Growth Challenge Complete (But its not Over)
I wrapped up the Spring Growth Challenge I made for myself a little bit ago. My last instagram post was actually a few weeks ago, but life got busy (and patios opened) and here I am on a rainy Friday afternoon typing up a post awhile in the making.
To recap, this is what I challenged myself to do for thirty days:
Do something creative (writing, painting, dancing, etc)
Wake up the same time every morning (one hour later on weekends)
Write down three things I am grateful for every morning and every night
Do one act of kindness
And, most importantly,
5. Post on Instagram my daily updates about this challenge.
So. How did it go?
1. Do something creative.I started off recording on my instagram posts the act of creativity I had done each day. Usually it was flowing or dancing, or writing. Once or twice it was water colour painting. I continued doing these creative things (not quite everyday) but I found writing so much in a post daunting, to the point where it was stopping me from posting as frequently. But I was still conscious of doing something that had me using my brain in a way that was not just thinking (or overthinking) something in the routine of my day.
Sometimes it took a little effort. Its easy for me to log on zoom for a pole class and just do whatever movement I am instructed. But when its just me, turning on some music and allowing my body to go with the beat and melody, it takes a few minutes to get into a flow. The first song comes on and awakens some emotional response in me, but like greasing a door that isn’t used often enough, it takes a few stiff, awkward movements before that emotion really translates into anything that looks or feels flowy. But I found if I committed to dancing to at least 2 whole songs, I would inevitably keep going for me, reaching that creative place of flow that actually felt good, where I wanted to keep dancing.
2. Wake up the same time every morning. I started this one out with the best intentions. However as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. So while I did start waking up a little earlier every day, my weekends still had me sleeping in a good 1.5 -2 hours later than my usual 8:08 AM wake up on my teaching days. That being said, waking up at 8:08 instead of 8:30 which I was doing before, put me back in a habit of journalling an doing yoga before sitting down at my computer. And that is a routine that I have continued to keep even since ending this challenge.
3. Write down three things I am grateful for every morning and every night.
I would say this was the most powerful act of all that I set out for myself in this challenge- despite it seeming like the most simple. Having kept gratitude journals on and off for a couple years now, it was not hard for me to come up with three things twice a day— most days I actually had many more listed. What I loved so much about this exercise is that it made me so much more mindful and optimistic every hour of the day— not just when it came to write.
I was constantly on the lookout for the little good things that I could include as part of my gratitude list later— from the sun coming out on my morning walk, to not having to wait for the elevator, to nailing a new pole trick. Everyday I noticed the little, simple things that were going my way. At first it was just for the sake of recording it later and put in a post. But after a bit it became habitual. And honestly, I feel like I felt a little bit happier every day because of it.
Started paying attention to little good things, like cold ciders on a warm night
4. Do one act of kindness.
This one felt a bit overwhelming at the beginning of the challenge. For the first few days, I was trying to schedule into my day chores or tasks that were undoubtedly kind, but also took some planning, money, or other resources not readily available. Baking cookies for a nursing home, or taking a neighbour shopping are really kind things, of course, but a little tough to do in a day when it feels like here is a million other things to be done.
So I focused more on spontaneous acts of kindness. Such as holding open a door, or sharing an elevator, offering to take a picture for someone, or giving a compliment. Walking down the street, Ill often see someone dressed beautifully, with a dog thats adorable, or wearing earrings I love. This challenge, I made a point to open my mouth and say this.
Sometimes, people were surprised. In that half a second after blurting out my compliment, before people registered that yes, it was me, a stranger, addressing them, there was a coldness or awkwardness in the air. But in the second that followed, when they realized it was in face a compliment, and genuine kindness, a big smile or moment of warmth always followed. And I swear, both of us left that exchange feeling like we were walking a little bit taller.
Spending time with my senior dog and my senior grandfatherSo to wrap things up, it was a good month. It wasn’t perfect. Nor was it groundbreaking. But it was a nice little refresher for myself about what’s important, and how to live everyday in a way to make up a good, balanced, satisfying life. So I’m going forward now, keeping most of these habits, even if I am not recording it or posting it.
Except for going to bed earlier. That’s gonna take a bigger challenge.
What are you tackling next?
xoxo
Jordan
Spring Growth Challenge (an Inner Spring cleaning to grow your mindset)
#MayGrowth30 :
30 Days to a Healthier, Stronger, and Clearer Mind
I love spring. There is something about this season of growth and renewal that has always sparked inspiration and excitement in me. I suppose its seeing the changing of seasons, the melting of snow, and the slow invasion of green, new life life that makes me feel empowered to take undergo some of my own change and self-growth, and come out of the winter dormancy that so many of us find ourselves in.
Over the past several months, I have found myself in a bit of a mental rut. I’ve fallen into less-than-helpful patterns and habits. I stay up too late for no real reason, wake up feeling tired and lacking energy to face the day, and spend too much time in front of my computer, consuming content rather than creating it.
I have also found myself feeling more stressed and anxious over little things that really shouldn’t get to me, and in turn, becoming so wrapped up in my own problems that I am not always able to respond to the needs and feelings of others around me.
I value being a generous, kind, and compassionate person, and when my own mental health is suffering, I am not living up to this version of me.
And so, I am dedicating this month to spring cleaning my mental health.
Just like spring cleaning of our homes inside and out is a common occurrence with the end of winter, shaking the cobwebs off some of the goals and resolutions I have made for myself earlier in the year just seems to come as a natural inclination as soon as the days get longer and warmer.
Especially this year, where once again, we find ourselves in lockdown here in Toronto in these early days of spring. It feels counter-intuitive to what spring usually inspires in me: to be holed up by myself up indoors, cancel plans, and put off all the activities and gatherings that usually fill me with a new energy this season.
So this May, I have decided I need to take kind of internal “spring cleaning” into my own hands. I am giving myself a 30- Day Spring Growth Challenge (#SpringGrowth30).
I know that challenges especially these short and sweet month long endeavours are all over Instagram, TikTok and every other social media platform. A lot of them focus on our physical fitness or body goals (just Google Chloe Ting and you'll see what I mean).
And while people may find some benefit out of these fitness-focused challenges, the kind of change I am after is more holistic than that. I am trying to achieve mental, spiritual and emotional growth.
More simply, I am trying to be a better human; a stronger, kinder, more resilient, more content, and more productive person.
This is not an easy task, and it will require a lot of rewiring and retraining my brain to think different thoughts and form new habits. It won’t happen overnight. It likely wont even happen in thirty days.
But I am committed to making a good start over this next month, and making the necessary first steps to lay down the foundation for the kind of lasting change I want for myself.
I want to level-up my mindset.
Here are my goals for this challenge:
Goals:
Shift my mindset from scarcity to abundance
Gain clarity on what passions I want to pursue
Be more productive (ie. get more done in pursuit of those passions)
Strengthen my relationships
Foster my creativity.
Without further ado, here is my 30-Day May Growth Challenge.
May Growth Challenge
Everyday, I will:
Do something creative (writing, painting, dancing, etc)
Wake up the same time every morning (one hour later on weekends)
Write down three things I am grateful for every morning and every night
Do one act of kindness
And, most importantly,
5. Post on Instagram my daily updates about this challenge.
That last part of the challenge is *key.* I will be keeping myself accountable through posting what I am grateful for each day (twice a day!), what time I woke up and went to bed the night before, and whatever creative outlet and act of kindness I may have done.
I have also been beating myself up over not blogging or writing more. So forcing myself to post about this challenge everyday on my seedling of an account @dayslikeblankpages will also work towards my goals of becoming a more productive person.
So if you are curious on how I do, and how I (hopefully) grow in the next thirty days. Follow me there. Better yet, join in this challenge with me!
Maybe you will share the same goals I do, and maybe you have unique goals of your own, and will make your own version of this challenge, whether its getting outside every day, drinking more water, being more spontaneous, or being more organized, you can craft your challenge to meet your own unique goals and values.
Day 1 starts tomorrow. Stay tuned, and let’s GROW.
(pun intended; you can take the teacher out of the classroom, but cant take the classroom out of the teacher!)
How are you challenging yourself this month?
xxoo
-Jordan
The 5 Minute Rule (A reflection on loss and perspective)
Grateful for this view in my back yard (almost).
I’ve been stressing out over a lot of things lately.
Some small, and some not so small. Many of which I do not feel ready to divulge yet here. Lately, its been causing me so much anxiety that I feel sick and restless, exhausted and heavy-limbed and yet unable to sleep.
I have been thinking circular thoughts, dwelling on problems that make them seem much larger than they need be, and overthinking bits of conversations and moments that have taken place in the day when they have probably long been forgotten by the others I was with.
I was in one of those moments, obsessing over something someone said in passing, anxious over the way my clothes have been fitting, and feeling overwhelmed by the thirty parent interviews I will be hosting for my kindergarten classroom this week, when I was abruptly met with a hard hit of reality.
It was learning a new friend of mine, a beautiful vibrant, compassionate soul of a person, does not have parents on this earth. My friend and I were discussing plans for Christmas. She listened sympathetically to me rant on about the stress and overwhelm of going home for christmas, and how full and busy the house is, laughing as I made reference to my mom’s thwarted efforts of an early Christmas dinner year after year. Then I asked about her plans. She confided that she might go to her sister’s might not do anything. I asked if her parents lived far away, or if she would see them.
And that’s when she told me both her parents had passed away. She didn’t offer why or when and I didn’t want to pry. I told her I was sorry to hear that, and followed her lead in changing the subject.
This time it was my turn to laugh at the stories she recounted from her day at work, offer ahhs, and ohs in all the right places. Meanwhile, every schema and internal perception of the world was being rewritten. The interviews this week felt meaningless. I felt ashamed and embarrassed for allowing negative body image to even be a thought in my mind. And I began to think back to every comment or mention of my parents or family to her, trying to remember exactly what I said, and gauge just how insensitive it might have been.
It’s a week later and I still cannot stop thinking about this.
Yes, I am in the middle of interviews, and working thirteen hour days to talk to parents.
No, I have not yet been able to book a covid test, and may not be able to go see my family over christmas.
And yes, we are in lockdown yet again, and that means I am no longer able to train at my pole studio which has been keeping me sane these past few months.
The truth is that none of this matters. All that does is that my family is still safe and healthy and together. I have never needed to survive a loss so close to me, although for many years of my life it was my greatest fear.
While I cannot even begin to understand how difficult it might be to experience losing my family, I know it is a devastation from which one never truly recovers. It is life changing.
And that’s the thing. All that which I am currently stressed and worried about is not in any way going to impact the trajectory of my life.
It feels wrong, and selfish, now for me to be stressed out by these problems which in perspective are really NOT problems.
I am trying to use this new knowledge to help me shift my perspective from worrying about these things that may or may not happen, many which are out of my control, to being grateful everyday for all I do have. Most importantly my health and well-being, and the health, happiness, and love of my family.
Grateful for pre-covid christmases.
So if you’re finding yourself stressing over something today, getting caught up in feeling like you have too much to do, or worrying about something, take a second to zoom out. And then apply the five minute rule:
Think of your life five years from now. Is whatever you are stressing over in this moment going to make a big impact in your life in five years? If the answer is no, then it is not worth spending more than five minutes worrying about now.
And once you do that, think about my friend, and what she has lost, or the people in your life you know who have may also suffered true loss. Perhaps you yourself have suffered a great loss (in which case, all the love and compassion in the world to you). And then think about all you do have: the people that fill your life with love and happiness.
The healthy, functioning body that allows you to move and breathe and hug your loved ones.
The opportunities to try new things, go new places, and be whoever you want to be. The freedom to make mistakes, to fall and get back up again.
And the oft overlooked gift to feel all these things-- joy and sadness, pleasure and pain, thrill and fear, for how can you truly know the first without experiencing the latter?
A snapchat I am happy I saved several years ago.
The point of this post is NOT to say I will never feel stress or worry again. Even as I write this, it has flashed through my brain that I’ve been sitting too long, and perhaps I should take a break from writing this to do some kind of exercise.
There’s a good chance tomorrow or one day next week some curveball will come my way at work and begin to send me into a tailspin of “what-ifs” and “I can’ts” and “if onlys”. However, this story will help ground me, as it is now, quite literally, keeping me in this chair to finish this post, and quell the voices in the back of my head vying for my attention.
Five years from now, it won’t matter that I spent an entire night sitting at my desk instead of getting in some movement. However, in five years, I will likely be glad that I took the time to put this revelation into a post, and create a tangible reminder for myself and you that are now reading this of the importance of perspective, and being grateful, truly grateful, for all we do have that enriches our life with happiness and meaning.
Have you heard of this five minute rule before? How do you practice perspective taking in your life?
Love,
Jordan
Finding Gratitude this 2020 (Reflecting on a Covid Thanksgiving)
2020 has been a weird, difficult year. And so it makes sense that this past Thanksgiving has followed suit.
In these strange, difficult times of mask-wearing and toilet-paper shortages and hellish political circuses, gratitude may feel hard to come by. Especially for people that may not be able to gather together with the people they normally see, or do the activities or cooking ventures that may be usual traditions of this holiday.
However, gratitude, and feeling of feeling genuine thankfulness and contentment is NOT directly correlated to what is happening around us.
Gratitude is something that exists intrinsically within us, conjured by the way we choose to think and respond to whatever it is that may happening.
In this post, I hope to shed some light on some of the less obvious reasons I feel extremely blessed this season, despite many things being far from perfect at this moment. From missing people at our thanksgiving table, to a chaotic return to the classroom, and to bumps and blocks in my recovery, 2020 has been A YEAR.
However, just like the darkest of clouds, it is from these very circumstances that I have found reasons to feel grateful. For all I have, all I’ve done, and for all the future holds.
Starting off with this AMAZING tofu turkey. Usually love to cook one myself, but due to covid, we purchased one instead. Turns out I feel pretty grateful to have spent less time in the kitchen this Thanksgiving too.
Thanksgiving 2020— The Silver Linings
Tofurkey from Green Earth Cafe on the Danforth— and Jaeda looking at it enviously.
This Thanksgiving. I was lucky enough that I was able to come home to spend the weekend with my family. I was lucky I had the foresight to book a covid test weeks earlier, and was fortunate enough to receive my results the Friday evening before coming home.
I am also blessed that the school where I have been working has had zero cases since opening, and every one of my students who have been away with symptoms have come back with confirmed negative results.
I am also extremely lucky that my family has been doing their part to isolate and social distance so that it would be safe for me to come home, and also safe for me to return back downtown to my roommates and to my students.
Apple Crumble Pie
That being said, coming home wasn’t the same as it usually is for thanksgiving. We were not preparing a dinner for aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins, setting the table for up to twenty.
This year it was just immediate family, my brothers’ partner and my aunt with whom we have been longtime been podded up.
We wore masks as we served ourselves, two people at a time, and ate our meal outside, making use of space heaters and blankets.
I also did none of the cooking this year, being potentially the biggest risk at our gathering. I made a couple pies when the kitchen was empty, but the rest of the meal was quite literally out of my hands.,
Pumpkin Pie Oh My Oh My
In these moments, I realize how where I am now is very different from where I was several years ago. There was a time that I was so terrified of giving up control over my food I would have fought tooth and nail to prepare every bit of that dinner that I was going to eat, from the way the squash to the salad dressing to how the bread was sliced (diagonally). Back then, to be essentially locked out of the kitchen for the entire day of preparation would have been torturous.
This thanksgiving, while I did miss cooking, and the ritual of bumping elbows with my family in the process, it was not charged with underlying fear or anxiety. For the most part— I still hoped that the brussel sprouts would be tossed with garlic and lemon, and that the squash spiced with coriander and cardamom, but I still knew that regardless of how it was prepared, I could eat it and enjoy it.
I will NOT pretend that my eating disorder was a distant memory this Thanksgiving. There is something about holidays that still brings out some of the habits and thought patterns that I have been so long trying to rewire.
It’s being surrounded by so much food, at a holiday where everything is so centered around food, and that food being the kind that I was for so long terrified to eat, that I still find myself being a little more on edge than I would typically be.
I still ate and joined in and had a great time with my family. I ate more than sat comfortably, and still somehow made room for dessert. But that fullness also triggered the all too familiar guilt and anxiety I used to feel every time I ate back in my disorder.
I had thoughts leading up to dinner that I needed to exercise before I could eat. I had thoughts afterwards that I would need to restrict the next day and go for a run in the morning, even though I have NOT gone for a morning run in close to a year.
The difference was that I had the thoughts, but that is largely all they were. Thoughts. Because along with these old thoughts, I had new ones.
Thoughts that this was thanksgiving, and its pretty freakin’ normal to eat more than usual. That this was one meal, one weekend, and I care more about being present with my family than working off the calories in a glass of wine.
Thanksgiving Sunday hike in Milne Conservation Area
And that kept me at the table, curled under blankets nursing a food baby under echoes of laughter instead of dashing out for a walk the moment dessert was served.
And no, I didn’t go for a run the next morning. I lazed around, drinking coffee until I eventually felt ready to eat again, and then went for a lovely, leisurely walk amid some beautiful fall foliage with my mother.
After years of thinking in black and white, right or wrong, good or bad, yes or no, I am learning the nuances of the in-between. I am striving for balance.
No, this weekend was NOT perfect. Not in how Covid interrupted our regularly scheduled programming, nor in my recovery. But it was a perfectly good weekend.
It showed me the places I’ve been, the ways in which I have grown, and the areas where I still have a little more work to do. And for all that, I am beyond grateful.
Beautiful way to spend Thanksgiving Sunday. No running required.
Things I am Grateful For Right Here, Right Now:
For my family being healthy and together
For the roommates that have made our house feel like a home, both new and old
For local vegan restaurants that make excellent tofurkey
For returning to my pole studio even if it was just for a few short weeks
For having a class of thirty kindergarteners who can all put a smile on my face
For every negative covid test that has come back at my school
For adult colouring books
For second dates
For the big little bit of nature in my city backyard
For the patience of my family and putting up with me at every phase and stage of my recovery
For crisp red leaves and blue october skies
For crunchy honey crisp apples and pumpkin spice oatmeal
In this week after Thanksgiving, what are you grateful for? How has this year challenged you? And how have you grown because of it?
Grateful for all of you reading this right now<3
-Jordan xox
The Parent Trap: The Challenges of Quarantining Back at Home (as an adult).
During this pandemic I have been quarantining with my family at my parents’ house in the suburbs for the past six weeks. While I am grateful to be with family during this time, and not being completely isolated, it brews a whole other pot of challenges. The last time we were all living together under one roof for a substantial period of time was over five years ago, while we “kids” were all still in school. With each of us having spent a couple years out of the nest and in our own independent routines, now coming back together around the dinner table, sharing bathrooms, and claiming work space has caused some tension to say the least. More than that, is the added challenge of dealing with some of my own emotional shit that seems to have resurfaced with coming back to my childhood home.
finding a quiet workspace while quarantining in a house of people is challenging.And I know that I am not the only one. Our family, and our homes, can be a place we feel comfortable. But there is a fine line between “comfortable” and “comfort zone.” Right now, many of us are being tested by our living situations, with repercussions both on our own personal well-being, as well as on our relationships.
So let’s begin by digging in to some of the greatest challenges I’ve been facing since being back home.
Challenges about Quarantining at Home with Family:
Food disappears. Those leftovers you put away last night, thinking they would be a great lunch the next day? Well unless you’re getting up to eat them at 7 am, they’re gone.
Constant dishes. Before coming back to this house, my roommates and I used to run our dishwasher once every one or two days. There was never a pile up of dishes because we always did our own. Now, with six adult appetites in the house and family meals, our dishwasher is going at least twice a day… and still there is a pileup in the sink.
Staking out workspace. Everyone here is either working or studying from home right now, or both. We have a big house with multiple rooms. And yet still it seems there is a constant musical chairs of who is working where based on where the best light is, if there’s people making noise in other parts of the house, or if the wifis acting up. Which bring me to the next point…
Wifi hogging. Despite countless calls to our provider, our wifi always seems to be a little finicky, even before all of us were home. These days with six of us on multiple devices, we’re finding that we need to reset the router multiple times a day. It turns out we are all enslaved to internet in isolation: whether it be working on the computer, scrolling social media, on zoom chats, watching netflix, or playing online Catan, it seems there is never a time we are NOT connected.
Falling back into old patterns. This is the largest challenge of all, and the most difficult to overcome. What these old patterns or habits are will very from person to person. For my mother, it is feeling like she is responsible for feeding and cleaning up for everyone as if we were still young kids, and not full grown adults perfectly capable of feeding and caring for ourselves. For us “kids”, it is often reverting back into that role, and not pulling the same weight around the house as we were when living independently.
“Old Habits Die Hard”- Environmental Triggers and Wired Thought Patterns
Old patterns aren’t just in relation to family roles, but may also resurface as old neural pathways light up again, triggered by a return to a familiar environment. The first week I was back home I started to fall into some old unhealthy habits that used to define my days when I was living at home full time, and very much in the thick of an eating disorder. But after a few days of skipping lunch, and going a little overboard on exercise, and feeling totally unbalanced (and like mental shit), I recognized what was happening and committed myself to a more sustainable routine. It took me by surprise, because many of those thoughts and behaviours never crossed my mind living downtown. It was something about being back in the place where I was engaging in those patterns that caused them to resurface. However, the most significant change was simply awareness. Recognizing what I was doing as being counterproductive and not in line with the person I wanted to be.
Being back in your childhood home can often bring back old patterns of behaviours- some not so healthyFor you, it could be other kinds of thoughts or behaviours that are resurfacing. Maybe you are finding yourself less patient or picking fights or more critical of the people you are living with. Maybe you are finding that your room or workspace is getting more cluttered or messy, looking more like it may have when you were living in it as a teenager. Or maybe you are finding yourself sleeping in late into the morning (or afternoon) and staying up much too late without doing anything very productive.
Whatever your old habits may be, if you find them resurfacing during this time, don’t beat yourself up over it. Understand WHY it is happening, and commit yourself to rewire those neural pathways.
Have self-compassion, but don’t let your brain pull one over on you either. Make the changes, little or big, that you need to, in order to keep in line with the person you want to be.
For me, that meant making myself a schedule that had me eating breakfast within an hour of waking up each day, and then eating something every three hours to keep my brain from reverting back to that feast or famine mentality that I was operating in for most of my eating disorder. It also meant not doing the same exercise, varying the kinds and amounts, each day, so none became compulsive. Several weeks in, it still means deliberately choosing to walk LESS than the day before, or do a restorative flow instead of a core class, just to remind my brain that we aint doing that exercise obsession thing anymore.
Making little changes in your daily routine can make a big difference in your mental health So, think about your habits:
What habits are you happy with?
How might you be thinking or behaving that is NOT in line with the person that you want to be?
What tangible steps can you take to change those thoughts or behaviours?
I am NOT talking about drastic lifestyle changes. If you want to change sleeping in till noon and watching netflix til 3, Try setting your alarm for 10. Schedule a zoom call or a social distance walk with a friend for 11. The next week, set your alarm for 9. And so on.
You are the master of your mind, and in turn, you are the master of your actions. This time in isolation is by no means easy, whether you are isolating on your own or with family.
You have two options: (1) You can either just cope, ride out the quarantine with your eyes closed until its over. Or (2), you can use this place of discomfort to grow, to strengthen your character, enhance your self-awareness, and build your resilience.
And if you commit to that overall big picture of who you want to be, how you want your relationships to be, once this is all over, you will come out of this a stronger, happier person than you were going in.
Stay healthy, friends,
Jordan
Xoxo
