Alone Together: Staying Connected in Isolation

A screenshot of a much needed Zoom hangout with friends.

A lot of us are feeling a little lonely these days. Implemented regulations and measures for social distancing and self-isolation are confining us to our homes, with our handful of roommates or family members, or partner, or just ourselves.

We are innately social creatures, who thrive with the company and connection to other beings. Even the most extreme introvert, who cherishes "alone-time,” still craves the presence of others (in smaller doses).

People on every part of the spectrum of personality can experience loneliness— especially in a time like this, in the midst of global pandemic which we do not know for how long, or how severely, will persist.

Even if we are isolating with someone, it does not make up for the countless other interactions that used to fill our lives with a sense of connection and community: lunch break gossiping with your coworkers, a Friday night staying out too late with your friends, the first date with that person you matched with on hinge, or even the morning banter with the barista who made you your latte. 

I miss baristas and morning coffee runs.

In each of these exchanges, we experience a shift in our mentality and our projection of who we are, stepping out of our inner space of internal thoughts and criticisms, and assuming the version of ourselves that engages and interacts with others. 

Neither version less true.  Both are essential to who we are, and shape how we feel about ourselves and where we belong in the world.

I have found myself feeling immensely lighter and happier after social interactions.  It’s a blissful escape, a much needed exhale, from the busy and often negative thoughts of my mind.  I am much more relaxed, easy, and free spirited in the company of others.  I surprise myself with my own sense of humour and zany observations. 

It’s really only been since starting this isolation, and spending so much time on my own that I’ve noticed the contrast between these versions of myself. 

On my own, even in the presence of my family, my thoughts weigh heavier. Prone to overthinking and overanalyzing, I am less in the moment, and more in my head. 

And in this place, I start to judge and criticize myself, allowing anxieties and insecurities to fester.  I am even quieter around my family, mousing around with an air of pessimism and edgy indecision. It’s misery meets boredom. It’s moping.

It’s only been recently after getting off some zoom calls that I’ve noticed the stark contrast in my thoughts before and after socializing.  And I am coming to realize that what I am experiencing, despite living in a family of six, is loneliness. 

The nature of my thoughts are not very different now than they are in normal everyday life.  The difference is that when they would come up, they only lasted a few minutes, or however long it was before I was caught up in something else-and working in a room full of thirty lively five year old leaves little time to think, let alone ruminate.

I also know myself well enough to know how much being social benefits my mental health, so I always kept myself busy making plans with friends, whether it was brunch,hitting up a bar, or doing a yoga class.

Now, I do not have the luxury of any of those outlets, and the thoughts that used to be in passing can now fester for hours and even days.  

I start to forget what my redeeming qualities are, the aspects of my personality that have allowed me to make so many amazing connections and relationships over the years. 

And as this isolation drags on, I am realizing just how important it is to continue to nurture this side of my nature, even though it doesn’t feel “the same” doing it through a screen.

The truth is, this is the way of the world right now, and it’s better to embrace it, spotty wifi and all, than brace against it and wallow in loneliness.  

Zoom and Facetime are the lesser evil in an unideal situation.

Up until recently, I wasn’t making much of an effort to to join the virtual hangouts or group chats going on with my friends.  I didn’t like seeing myself as I was conversing (I still don’t).  I didn’t like peering into a small screen for hours at a time.  I didn’t like having to rearrange my camera every time I wanted to shift position. I just didn’t like how it didn’t feel the same.  I figured I would just do my own thing and wait it out until we can hang in person in the next couple weeks. 

And then a couple weeks passed…and then a month.  

And now what is more uncomfortable than zoom chats is noticing how my negative thoughts become heavier even after a day or two without that kind of connection.  

Motivating myself to go for a walk and get out of my mopey headspace.

So I’ve made a commitment to do some kind of socializing outside of my family every single day- even if I don’t really feel like it.  It doesn’t always need to be a video or Facetime chat.  Most days, its a long phone call with a friend as I go for a walk. 

However, I don’t skip out on the group zoom hangouts when they are planned.

There is still a valuable sense of togetherness there, that while isn’t the same as sharing a couch or crowded round a table, still makes me feel a little more whole. 

Seeing everyone’s face on a little square on my screen reminds me that I am not alone in feeling alone. 

We are all in this together, doing what we can to stay connected and content, and getting a little insight into who we are on our own, in the process.

Taken on one of my daily walks. Sunshine also helps.

What are you doing to fight loneliness? How are you staying connected while staying safe at home?

-xoxo

Jordan