Alone Together: Staying Connected in Isolation

A screenshot of a much needed Zoom hangout with friends.

A lot of us are feeling a little lonely these days. Implemented regulations and measures for social distancing and self-isolation are confining us to our homes, with our handful of roommates or family members, or partner, or just ourselves.

We are innately social creatures, who thrive with the company and connection to other beings. Even the most extreme introvert, who cherishes "alone-time,” still craves the presence of others (in smaller doses).

People on every part of the spectrum of personality can experience loneliness— especially in a time like this, in the midst of global pandemic which we do not know for how long, or how severely, will persist.

Even if we are isolating with someone, it does not make up for the countless other interactions that used to fill our lives with a sense of connection and community: lunch break gossiping with your coworkers, a Friday night staying out too late with your friends, the first date with that person you matched with on hinge, or even the morning banter with the barista who made you your latte. 

I miss baristas and morning coffee runs.

In each of these exchanges, we experience a shift in our mentality and our projection of who we are, stepping out of our inner space of internal thoughts and criticisms, and assuming the version of ourselves that engages and interacts with others. 

Neither version less true.  Both are essential to who we are, and shape how we feel about ourselves and where we belong in the world.

I have found myself feeling immensely lighter and happier after social interactions.  It’s a blissful escape, a much needed exhale, from the busy and often negative thoughts of my mind.  I am much more relaxed, easy, and free spirited in the company of others.  I surprise myself with my own sense of humour and zany observations. 

It’s really only been since starting this isolation, and spending so much time on my own that I’ve noticed the contrast between these versions of myself. 

On my own, even in the presence of my family, my thoughts weigh heavier. Prone to overthinking and overanalyzing, I am less in the moment, and more in my head. 

And in this place, I start to judge and criticize myself, allowing anxieties and insecurities to fester.  I am even quieter around my family, mousing around with an air of pessimism and edgy indecision. It’s misery meets boredom. It’s moping.

It’s only been recently after getting off some zoom calls that I’ve noticed the stark contrast in my thoughts before and after socializing.  And I am coming to realize that what I am experiencing, despite living in a family of six, is loneliness. 

The nature of my thoughts are not very different now than they are in normal everyday life.  The difference is that when they would come up, they only lasted a few minutes, or however long it was before I was caught up in something else-and working in a room full of thirty lively five year old leaves little time to think, let alone ruminate.

I also know myself well enough to know how much being social benefits my mental health, so I always kept myself busy making plans with friends, whether it was brunch,hitting up a bar, or doing a yoga class.

Now, I do not have the luxury of any of those outlets, and the thoughts that used to be in passing can now fester for hours and even days.  

I start to forget what my redeeming qualities are, the aspects of my personality that have allowed me to make so many amazing connections and relationships over the years. 

And as this isolation drags on, I am realizing just how important it is to continue to nurture this side of my nature, even though it doesn’t feel “the same” doing it through a screen.

The truth is, this is the way of the world right now, and it’s better to embrace it, spotty wifi and all, than brace against it and wallow in loneliness.  

Zoom and Facetime are the lesser evil in an unideal situation.

Up until recently, I wasn’t making much of an effort to to join the virtual hangouts or group chats going on with my friends.  I didn’t like seeing myself as I was conversing (I still don’t).  I didn’t like peering into a small screen for hours at a time.  I didn’t like having to rearrange my camera every time I wanted to shift position. I just didn’t like how it didn’t feel the same.  I figured I would just do my own thing and wait it out until we can hang in person in the next couple weeks. 

And then a couple weeks passed…and then a month.  

And now what is more uncomfortable than zoom chats is noticing how my negative thoughts become heavier even after a day or two without that kind of connection.  

Motivating myself to go for a walk and get out of my mopey headspace.

So I’ve made a commitment to do some kind of socializing outside of my family every single day- even if I don’t really feel like it.  It doesn’t always need to be a video or Facetime chat.  Most days, its a long phone call with a friend as I go for a walk. 

However, I don’t skip out on the group zoom hangouts when they are planned.

There is still a valuable sense of togetherness there, that while isn’t the same as sharing a couch or crowded round a table, still makes me feel a little more whole. 

Seeing everyone’s face on a little square on my screen reminds me that I am not alone in feeling alone. 

We are all in this together, doing what we can to stay connected and content, and getting a little insight into who we are on our own, in the process.

Taken on one of my daily walks. Sunshine also helps.

What are you doing to fight loneliness? How are you staying connected while staying safe at home?

-xoxo

Jordan

The Parent Trap: The Challenges of Quarantining Back at Home (as an adult).

During this pandemic I have been quarantining with my family at my parents’ house in the suburbs for the past six weeks.  While I am grateful to be with family during this time, and not being completely isolated, it brews a whole other pot of challenges. The last time we were all living together under one roof for a substantial period of time was over five years ago, while we “kids” were all still in school. With each of us having spent a couple years out of the nest and in our own independent routines, now coming back together around the dinner table, sharing bathrooms, and claiming work space has caused some tension to say the least.  More than that, is the added challenge of dealing with some of my own emotional shit that seems to have resurfaced with coming back to my childhood home.

finding a quiet workspace while quarantining in a house of people is challenging.

And I know that I am not the only one. Our family, and our homes, can be a place we feel comfortable. But there is a fine line between “comfortable” and “comfort zone.” Right now, many of us are being tested by our living situations, with repercussions both on our own personal well-being, as well as on our relationships.

So let’s begin by digging in to some of the greatest challenges I’ve been facing since being back home.

Challenges about Quarantining at Home with Family:

1. Food disappears.  Those leftovers you put away last night, thinking they would be a great lunch the next day?  Well unless you’re getting up to eat them at 7 am, they’re gone. 

2. Constant dishes.  Before coming back to this house, my roommates and I used to run our dishwasher once every one or two days.  There was never a pile up of dishes because we always did our own. Now, with six adult appetites in the house and family meals, our dishwasher is going at least twice a day… and still there is a pileup in the sink.

3. Staking out workspace.  Everyone here is either working or studying from home right now, or both.  We have a big house with multiple rooms. And yet still it seems there is a constant musical chairs of who is working where based on where the best light is, if there’s people making noise in other parts of the house, or if the wifis acting up. Which bring me to the next point…

4. Wifi hogging.   Despite countless calls to our provider, our wifi always seems to be a little finicky, even before all of us were home.  These days with six of us on multiple devices, we’re finding that we need to reset the router multiple times a day. It turns out we are all enslaved to internet in isolation: whether it be working on the computer, scrolling social media, on zoom chats, watching netflix, or playing online Catan, it seems there is never a time we are NOT connected.

5. Falling back into old patterns. This is the largest challenge of all, and the most difficult to overcome. What these old patterns or habits are will very from person to person.  For my mother, it is feeling like she is responsible for feeding and cleaning up for everyone as if we were still young kids, and not full grown adults perfectly capable of feeding and caring for ourselves.  For us “kids”, it is often reverting back into that role, and not pulling the same weight around the house as we were when living independently.  

“Old Habits Die Hard”- Environmental Triggers and Wired Thought Patterns

Old patterns aren’t just in relation to family roles, but may also resurface as old neural pathways light up again, triggered by a return to a familiar environment.  The first week I was back home I started to fall into some old unhealthy habits that used to define my days when I was living at home full time, and very much in the thick of an eating disorder. But after a few days of skipping lunch, and going a little overboard on exercise, and feeling totally unbalanced (and like mental shit), I recognized what was happening and committed myself to a more sustainable routine.  It took me by surprise, because many of those thoughts and behaviours never crossed my mind living downtown. It was something about being back in the place where I was engaging in those patterns that caused them to resurface. However, the most significant change was simply awareness. Recognizing what I was doing as being counterproductive and not in line with the person I wanted to be.  

Being back in your childhood home can often bring back old patterns of behaviours- some not so healthy

For you, it could be other kinds of thoughts or behaviours that are resurfacing.  Maybe you are finding yourself less patient or picking fights or more critical of the people you are living with.  Maybe you are finding that your room or workspace is getting more cluttered or messy, looking more like it may have when you were living in it as a teenager.  Or maybe you are finding yourself sleeping in late into the morning (or afternoon) and staying up much too late without doing anything very productive.  

Whatever your old habits may be, if you find them resurfacing during this time, don’t beat yourself up over it.  Understand WHY it is happening, and commit yourself to rewire those neural pathways.

Have self-compassion, but don’t let your brain pull one over on you either.  Make the changes, little or big, that you need to, in order to keep in line with the person you want to be.  

For me, that meant making myself a schedule that had me eating breakfast within an hour of waking up each day, and then eating something every three hours to keep my brain from reverting back to that feast or famine mentality that I was operating in for most of my eating disorder.  It also meant not doing the same exercise, varying the kinds and amounts, each day, so none became compulsive. Several weeks in, it still means deliberately choosing to walk LESS than the day before, or do a restorative flow instead of a core class, just to remind my brain that we aint doing that exercise obsession thing anymore.  

Making little changes in your daily routine can make a big difference in your mental health 

So, think about your habits:

What habits are you happy with?

How might you be thinking or behaving that is NOT in line with the person that you want to be?

What tangible steps can you take to change those thoughts or behaviours?  

I am NOT talking about drastic lifestyle changes.  If you want to change sleeping in till noon and watching netflix til 3, Try setting your alarm for 10.  Schedule a zoom call or a social distance walk with a friend for 11. The next week, set your alarm for 9.  And so on.  

You are the master of your mind, and in turn, you are the master of your actions.  This time in isolation is by no means easy, whether you are isolating on your own or with family. 

You have two options: (1) You can either just cope, ride out the quarantine with your eyes closed until its over.  Or (2), you can use this place of discomfort to grow, to strengthen your character, enhance your self-awareness, and build your resilience.  

And if you commit to that overall big picture of who you want to be, how you want your relationships to be, once this is all over, you will come out of this a stronger, happier person than you were going in.  

Stay healthy, friends,

Jordan 

Xoxo