February Favourites

In typical blogger fashion, here is a roundup of some of my favourite things this month. Perhaps a little atypical however, is the types of things I am listing here. There is no skincare or makeup and in fact a lot of things that don’t even have a link to a site where they can be bought. This is simply a roundup of things that have been adding to my life this past month. I am hoping now that some of them may find their way into yours. As I’ve written about before on this blog, its the little things that make life wonderful.

Favourite Drink

Soy Matcha Latte

Pre-lockdown, I got one of these at least once a week from starbucks. It was part of my routine to grab a matcha latte and spend a few hours writing in the cafe. Now that I am unable to stay i a Starbucks to work, I have gotten into a new habit of making these at home for myself— strong matcha tea, a little sweetener of your choice, (my favourite being vanilla coffee syrup!) and steamed soy milk. I am tempted to say better than Starbucks, but we all know I will be back handing them my money as soon as this lockdown is over.

Favourite Food

Peanut Butter Oatmeal

In these cold winter days, oatmeal has been my go-to breakfast. I thought I knew how to make good oatmeal, but it wasnt until I started adding peanut butter into the mix that my breakfast went from good to mind blowing. Lately, its been a diced apple or banana (and sometimes both!) with a big gob of peanut butter, and lots of cinnamon. I even double up on the peanut flavour adding in a scoop of powdered peanut butter along with a gob of the natural full fat stand-by. Extra protein, extra flavour, whats not to love? And secret tip: adding a few berries in at the end makes the whole bowl taste like peanut butter and jelly. I’m obsessed.

Favourite App

Wealth Simple

Who would’ve guessed that I would have ever found my way to the stock market? Until a month ago, I only ever picked up the newspaper to read my horoscope— let alone the business section! But after making some financial goals for myself this new year, and watching my brother and his friends venture into the brave new world of investing, I figured it was as good a time as ever to dip my toes in too. So my brother downloaded Wealthsimple onto my phone for me and I was off to the races!

With a super user-friendly interface, I am picking it up quick, and it is becoming an app that I am using (almost) as regularly as any of my social media accounts. Its an easy and simple way to get started in making your money make money for you. As a teacher, I know my income is never going to skyrocket, so I feel empowered having another means to make those $$ with some smart investments.

Favourite Podcast

What the Phalange?! Podcast

What the Phalange!? is a podcast about the TV show friends that goes through the series episode by episode, and tackling some of the problematic themes through it from a place of love and fandom. The issues and tone are light hearted enough that it never comes across as too heavy, but is not so light that it feels like I am listening to junk and lowering my intelligence. When I spend so much (too much) of my time consuming social media, I like putting on this podcast as I am out walking to balance that out with a dose of intelligent conversation with messages that are empowering and illuminating— and as an avid fan of friends, and the quirky banter of the two siblings who host this show, I feel like I am among friends as I listen in.

Favourite Activity

Forest Trail Dog Walks

Forest Therapy Trail in Markham, ON

Perhaps the hardest part about my recent foot injury is having to give up my little trail adventures with my dog Jaeda. I took me over 20 years of living in Markham to discover the intricate rouge valley trail system that existed just 5 minutes away from us in the smack middle of suburbia. For years, we would drive out to Durham Forest or Greenwood Forest in Ajax to get some trail time, and because it was a bit of a trek, we didn’t do it very often. Now, we get out multiple times a week to explore along the Forest Therapy Trail just minutes from mainstreet. If Jaeda wasn’t the thirteen year old senior she is, we could walk there!

There is nothing better than being out in nature in any season, but something about the sparkling white snow on a sunny winter day that is its own kind of magical. And watching a dog frolick around in snow banks like a puppy makes it that much better.

It will be hard going back to Toronto sidewalks after this.

Favourite Book

The Alice Network

I go through waves of reading, according to if what I am reading is more compelling than whatever my social media feeds have to show me. For the couple weeks it took me to devour The Alice network, my screen time was hella down. I am not usually an avid historical fiction reader, feeling too disconnected or bored by eras before my time. But this book, based on the intricate network of spies made up by a few badass women, has had me rethink this stance. This book is definitely not PG-13 and thank god for that.

And that concludes this little roundup of some of the things that have been making my life a little fuller this month. Its the little things— comfort foods, warm drinks, a good book, and some nature time, that balance out some of the bigger things that define our lives— goals, careers, and curveballs (like a broken foot) along the way.

Hoping you are making space for your own ways to recharge and find your balance this February. Feel free to leave a comment about one of YOUR favourite things lately.

exes and ohs,

Jordan

Everything Happens For A Reason (A Story of Blood and Granola)

I have gone through enough life to start to recognize that nothing happens for no reason. 

Even the most difficult, trying, and painful situations, that may seem impossible to make sense of at the time, always seem to have some unexpected truth borne from the ashes- even if it is years later.

Life is mysterious, unpredictable, and chaotic.  But I still believe that there is significance and silver linings in every seemingly unexpected turn of events.  

My experience of life thus far is relatively short. But I can still recall several occasions where life threw something at me that felt like a blow, but ended up being a gift that I didn’t know I needed.  

The walking boot I had to wear for most of Spring 2019

One such gift was a severed extensor tendon in my big toe. 

It was May 2019.  A couple years since in the worst of my eating disorder, and well into recovery… Mostly. I was eating regularly, flexibly, going out with friends, not over-exercising. 

However, my brain was still “hooked” on several compulsions and behaviours, and I was still operating under a huge fear of further weight gain.  I managed this fear through movement. 

While I was no longer working out for hours at the gym or running for kilometres on end, I was making every effort to maximize my activity everyday.  I was walking everywhere, taking the long way whenever possible, and even running a couple kilometres if the distance was longer than fit my time frame. I was doing yoga every morning, and often some other form of conditioning or strength training exercise in the evening if I wasn’t out walking.

It was never excessive in time or intensity, but the discomfort of being too sedentary in a day remained a lingering attachment of the days when it was.

The injury resulting from a jar of granola

I was frustrated.  In so many ways I felt “recovered”- except this need to walk and move.  And I was still not getting a monthly cycle, so my hormones were not up and running properly yet.

However, spring and the sunny weather was just ramping up, and the urge to join the legions of walkers and runners taking over the sidewalks was only mounting.

Then came a freak accident involving a jar of granola. After a late night of dancing and drinking at a wedding, I was at home, starving for breakfast. Wanting something fast and easy, I decided to throw together a big bowl of fruit and granola.

Somehow as I was grabbing the jar of granola off the shelf it slipped out of my hand and went crashing onto the floor (yes, I was hungover). 

Somehow, a piece of glass had broken in one very long shard, that landed diagonally across my foot as it shattered on the tile.  My foot was swimming in blood, glass, and granola.  

I’ll skip ahead a bit. 

At the hospital, I received 14 stitches to repair the severed tendon, a plaster cast, a set of crutches with the orders I could not bear weight on it for several weeks.  I was told that if I applied too much pressure that the stitches could break and the tendon would sever again.  

Suddenly, I was faced with one of the greatest challenges I had yet in recovery: I was being forced to be sedentary. My fear of not walking enough had become a reality of being unable to walk at all.  

Who knew granola could be so dangerous?

At the time, I couldn’t understand why the hell this was happening.  I blamed the freak nature of the accident, cursed my clumsiness, and moped in misery and frustration. 

However, I was told repeatedly by doctors to continue to nourish myself well, and how I still needed ample protein and energy in order for the tendon to strengthen and repair. 

So I had no choice, but to eat as I would normally, even though I was doing no movement that helped my brain justify the calories. 

And it was hard, the first week. 

But then it got easier.  I realized I could eat, and rest, and nothing drastic happened. 

After a few weeks I started to enjoy being able to sit around and chat with my roommates instead of walking across the city after work. 

It was freeing to read a book out on the porch, and still have a snack before dinner. 

And for the first month since the New Year, I got my period. My body was functioning even healthier than it was while exercising.

Yeah, the recovery process of healing that tendon sucked.  But now, along with the scar on my toe, I have been left with a greater sense of freedom regarding my relationship to movement, to my body, and ultimately, my intuition.

I still enjoy being active, but if there is a day that it doesn’t quite fit my schedule, or my frame of mind, I can go without.

While stillness is not always my first choice, it does not instill me with the same fear or dread. I know I can allow myself to rest, and more than that, periods of rest are healthy.    

In all honesty, If I hadn’t been forced into those months of stillness, I probably would have never been able to sit long enough to start this blog. 

It’s hard to dedicate time to hours of writing and posting when you’re compulsively walking everywhere.  

I still have the scar.

I’ve heard there are creams and oils to put on it, to make it disappear. I have yet to use any, because I really don’t mind it.  It remains a nice little token of the lesson I had to learn through a mason jar of granola.  

This is just one story of how life gifts you with something you need, even if you don’t know you want it. And the more of life I am living, the more I am realizing how often even the most uncomfortable or seemingly unfortunate of events ends up gifting us with some golden lesson or opportunity down the road.

Maybe what that is becomes apparent in the next month, or week, or year. Or maybe not until after you have lived your life time.

But it is comforting to think that in this big wide universe of ours, there may be some reason or meaning behind the chaos. I am not claiming to know anything.

But I will continue to embrace the idea that whatever life throws at me, I can handle it— and I will be stronger for it.

What lessons has life thrown at you?

xoxo

-Jordan

#Black Bodies Matter- the Intersections of Race and EDs

I had a different post planned for this week. It’s a long one, with lots of research behind it busting myths and misconceptions in eating disorders. However, given recent events in the US as well as in our own country, I realize there is one myth in particular that needs to be busted. This is the misconception that eating disorders are a “white people disease.”

There is widespread stigma that black people “don’t get eating disorders.” Often times, when a black person appears underweight or malnourished, others assume it is due to an addiction, drug problem, or other stigmatic issue problematically associated with the colour of their skin (Saren, 2012)

This stigma is so pervasive, that sufferers themselves often do not seek treatment, either because they fear prejudice and stereotyping from healthcare professionals, family, friends, and others, or simply because they do not recognize the disorder in themselves.

Denial is a big enough issue in white suffers of EDs— however it is often a doctor or a friend or family member that pushes that person to seek help. However, when that sufferer is in a black body and in denial, there is rarely someone else that recognizes the issue for what it is, even if all the symptoms are there. Many black sufferers themselves assume the myth that “black people don’t get eating disorders.”

Not only do eating disorders affect people of every ethnicity, but certain racial groups, particularly people of colour, are disadvantaged by barriers and stigmas that exist due to systemic and internalized racism.

More plainly said,the inherent racism that pervades our society is preventing people in black bodies from getting the help they need to recover.

Checking My Privilege

I am only starting to unravel the complex and very real racial issues inherent in the realm of EDs and mental health.

What I have shared so far is from research I have done, reading articles, studies, and personal accounts. I am now undertaking an ongoing process of educating myself, in hopes of alleviating my own ignorance and misconceptions as someone who has only ever experienced ED through the lens of white privilege.

My voice is NOT the most knowledgeble, or powerful, or important by any means in this area. I am NOT speaking for, or to, but in solidarity with every sufferer, survivor, and ally of an ED or other mental health issue who happens to be in a black body.

So I will not attempt to rephrase or condense much else about these racial issues in this post. Rather, I will direct you to some of the eyeopening articles and inspiring accounts that I have been directed to myself in pursuit of deepning my education.

Mental Health is a Race Issue

Mental health has enough stigma surrounding it already- and most treatment is confounded by issues of accessibility, funding, and structure as it is. Couple the intersecting barriers that come with racial prejudice and oppression makes the battle exponentially harder for black people who are struggling.

Eating disorders, and other mental illnesses do not discriminate. The same genes that predispose people to develop anorexia and other EDs exist across all races and ethnicities. It is time to approach the recognition and treatment of these disorders with seriousness, expertise, and knowledgable and effective care for all sufferers, in all bodies.

Eye Opening Statistics About Race and Eating Disorders:

• Black teenagers are 50% more likely than white teenagers to exhibit bulimic behavior, such as binging and purging (Goeree, Sovinsky, & Iorio, 2011).**

• People of colour with self-acknowledged eating and weight concerns were significantly less likely than white participants to have been asked by a doctor about eating disorder symptoms, despite similar rates of eating disorder symptoms across ethnic groups. (Becker, 2003).

• **(**https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/people-color-and-eating-disorders)

Educate Yourself: Resources about Racism and Mental Health

Ethnicity and Access To Treatment

The Science of EDs has an article regarding the disproportionate number of white patients recieving treatment compared to any other race, particularly blacks. This is illustrated through this diagram included by the author of this article:

image property of Science of EDs

https://www.scienceofeds.org/2012/06/01/ethnicity-access-to-treatment/

Racism and Mental Health in The Black Community

Sherri Williams, a PhD and advocate for anti-racism and…. wrote an article for SELF articulating her own experience with depression as a black woman. She writes:

“…racism “can adversely affect mental health in direct and indirect ways. It can inflict psychological trauma, create unfavorable socioeconomic conditions that increase the risk of psychiatric disorders by as much as threefold, and lead to negative feelings of self-worth and wellbeing” (Williams 2017).

https://www.self.com/story/racism-mental-health-in-the-black-community

Black Americans: How To Cope with Anxiety and Racism

The four authors preface their article on anxiety.com with this note:

“Within the Black community, we generally acknowledge and discuss experiences of racism and the detrimental impact of racism on equitable access to resources (including education, housing, health care, etc.). We less frequently discuss the detrimental impact racism often has on our mental health. In this article, we draw attention to the link between experiences of racism and mental health, with a specific focus on anxiety disorders and symptoms, which are among the most commonly diagnosed mental health disorders in the United States. We also discuss coping strategies that may be beneficial in the face of experiences of racism. It is important to emphasize that we, as Black Americans, are not at all responsible for the existence or experience of racism and unfairly are burdened with the responsibility of coping with the painful existence of these oppressive experiences” ( Graham-LoPresti, Ph.D, et al., 2016)   

https://www.anxiety.org/black-americans-how-to-cope-with-anxiety-and-racism

African American Women and Eating Disorders, Depression, and the Strong Black Woman Archtype

Carolyn Coker Ross, MD, MPH, CEDS unpacks the history of trauma of black people in North American society, along with current stressors and racial discretions this population continues to face that in part combine to create the “Strong Black Woman Archethype or SBW. Coker writes:

 “…the effects of racism from the past and present, and the trauma associated with racism, may play a critical role in black women’s health. Past historical depictions and the trauma associated with racism must be considered when dealing with and effectively treating eating disorders in the black female population” (Coker, 2017).

https://eatingdisordersreview.com/african-american-women-and-eating-disorders-depression-and-the-strong-black-woman-archetype/

We Are Failing at Treating Eating Disorders in Minorities

Kristen Fuller M.D (2019) examines how racial stereotyping and prejudice affects how people of diverse races, genders, and sexual orientations are diagnosed and treated (or not) for eating disorders, citing the findings of several studies:

“…there is a large amount of discrimination coming from healthcare providers surrounding the stereotypes associated with eating disorders. “When presented with identical case studies demonstrating disordered eating symptoms in white, Hispanic and Black women, clinicians were asked to identify if the woman’s eating behavior was problematic. 44% identified the white woman’s behavior as problematic; 41% identified the Hispanic woman’s behavior as problematic, and only 17% identified the Black woman’s behavior as problematic. The clinicians were also less likely to recommend that the Black woman should receive professional help (Lee and Lock, 2007)”

*Lee HY and Lock, J: Anorexia nervosa in Asian-American adolescents: do they differ from their non-Asian peers? International Journal of Eating Disorders 2007;40:227-231

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201902/we-are-failing-treating-eating-disorders-in-minorities

Black Women and Eating Disorders

Mikki Kendall, the author of “Hood Feminism” wrote this article for the NY Times about her experience as a black woman with an eating disorder, bringing to light the damaging culture around body and fatphobia in relation to female black bodies. Kendall writes:

“I was black. The societal narratives that position the curviness of black girls’ bodies as a warning sign of future obesity mean that as young women, we’re often congratulated for watching our weight when our food restriction might actually be the symptom of a real mental health problem” (Kendall, 2007).

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/21/opinion/sunday/black-women-eating-disorders.html

I know that I will never understand. But I stand.

This article is just the beginning. In solidarity with all those who suffer eating disorders, compacted by the existence of systemic racism and oppression, I endeavour to continue educating myself, growing in awareness and comprehension of the intersectionality of race and mental health in our society.

While on this blog I post from my own experience as a white, heterosexual, smaller-bodied female, I hope to make it clear that I recognize and empathize with the diverse experiences of all sufferers of EDs and other mental health issues.

5 Things To Do Everyday to stay Sane (and Balanced) During Isolation

As this period of isolation drags on, a lot of us are starting to feel some discomfort at being cooped up in our houses.  The novelty of being able to wear your pajamas all day and binge netflix may be starting to wear off.  Even the biggest introverts and homebodies may be finding themselves craving a change of scenery other than their own four walls.  But the truth is, social distancing is far from over.  And in order to make it through with our mental health intact, we need to do MORE than just cope.  

Right now, I am still working as a teacher, but I have had to adapt from chasing five year olds around a classroom, to teaching online. Now my day involves sitting at my computer to create and upload assignments, record and edit videos, and communicate with students and families. 

Between this work, the blog, and the online ABQ course I am currently in, I have found myself to be spending most of my waking hours on my computer-- something that I never did before. This is still taking some getting used to.  I’m noticing the days that I spend the majority of it in front of the screen, the more “blah” I feel by the time evening comes around, regardless of how productive I have been.  

Structured Days and Mental Transitions

Even those working from home who are doing similar desk work that they may have before have still felt a toll on their mental health and energy levels from the change in environment. Just the act of dressing in proper clothes, out of the house, and to the office where you are commune with your coworkers inserts very real frames and borders in our day that help us transition from home to work (and everywhere in between), so that we are more present and engaged in each environment.

Working from home, we are missing those physical aspects, from the coffee run on your way to work, to packing your lunch or your gym bag, or tapping your presto card as you fly into the subway, that cue a mental shift, transitioning us from whatever we were doing or thinking before, to the moment at hand.

A change in environment can really make all the difference to productivity

For myself, whenever I had a big chunk of writing or other work I needed to get done, I would head out to a coffee shop (remember those?). The price of a fancy soy matcha latte was always worth the couple hours of uninterrupted state of flow I would enter, and come out with a much greater quantity and quality of writing than I would ever be able to accomplish at home.

Simply the act of leaving my house with my backpack, and sitting down at a counter that was not the same one that I ate my breakfast at that morning, with no fridge or dog or random task to distract me, allowed me to fully immerse myself in my work— even if it took a few minutes to settle in.

Making the Most of Days at Home

To recreate some of that sense of structure, some people talk about waking up, putting on real clothes, maybe even doing some makeup before getting to work in their day.  However, many of us can’t quite be bothered enough to do all that-- especially if they’re not working a regular job at the moment. That being said, I still think it is important to incorporate a few different things into your day that help keep you feeling sane, balanced, and in a state of flow, regardless of what you have on your schedule.  

Here are five things that I do everyday, to keep my sanity and stay in flow:

1. Mindful Movement

Before this quarantine, I rarely meditated.  I used to quite a bit during my YTT, but since then, I’ve largely fallen off the wagon.  When I had thirty minutes in the morning before heading to work, I figured it was more productive to do an asana yoga practice.  However, with few external limits on time, I decided to try taking up a seated meditation practice again.  I’ve now been doing it every day for over a month, and I’m hooked. 

Some mornings, I sit for five minutes, and sometimes, up to thirty, Usually, I last about 15 or 20 before rolling into some gentle, flowing movement to the soundtrack of my favourite yoga playlist.  I’ll move however slowly or intensely as feels good that morning. 

Sometimes it’s gentle side bends and lolling around on the floor, and other mornings, it’s sun salutations, warrior poses and a couple planks. 

I do my best to keep it mindful, flowy and intuitive-- not counting reps, or holds, or anything taking me out of the breath and into a more traditional workout that spikes cortisol.

2. Journal

Every morning, I write in my journal. If I have lots of thoughts swarming my mind, or I am feeling a little meh and don’t quite know why, I just word vomit.  No filter, I pour whatever is going through my mind onto my paper. I write until I feel my thoughts start to shift, which looks a little different each day, whether it's after a half page or three. While I don’t always write in such depth everyday, every single morning, I take the time to make a list of three goals or tasks I want to complete.

Goal setting journal from Lametto Rose

I’ve been using the 3 Journal that my brother gifted me for Christmas. I love its simplicity, and the space it has at the end of every week to reflect on what you have accomplished.

The first one is usually something for work, whether its creating lessons, or going through assignments. 

The second is often something due for my online course, a blog post I want to write, or something else of productive nature.

The third is usually not so pressing, I could technically push it to the next day, but accomplishing it that day would be realistic, and rewarding.  Perhaps it is going to the grocery store,  cooking or baking something to feed you for a couple of meals, or even an act of self care such as reading a couple chapters of the novel that’s on your bed stand or doing a zoom class of some kind. 

I could add lots more to this list, but I like to keep it at three, because it makes it feel very doable to check them all off, and forces me to prioritize as I write what to dedicate my time and energy to that day.  And that way, if I get everything done, I can relax into doing whatever else it is I want to do without feeling like I am not being “productive.”  

3. Get Outside 

one of my daily walks with my fur baby.

Regardless how much stuff on my computer I need to get done, I make it a priority to get outside everyday, whether it’s taking my dog to the park or a longer excursion that takes most of the afternoon.  If it’s nice out, I will try to incorporate being outside with as much of my day as possible.

On warm sunny mornings, I find myself doing my meditation and yoga outside.  If the glare isn’t bad, I will even set up my laptop or ipad in a sunny spot to do some writing.  Or I will take my breakfast or lunch and eat it outside. 

It sounds so little and so simple, but I feel immensely lighter after spending some time out in fresh air.  If you have the time, go for a walk, however long you have, without rushing yourself (or run if that's what you prefer!). 

In my little patch of the suburbs, it’s pretty amazing to see the little ways my community has made an effort to reach out and support each other: there are childrens’ art work in windows facing the street, signs and white ribbons tied around trees in support of front line workers, and motivational chalk drawings on driveways and sidewalks, spreading messages of hope and positivity. 

And even while staying acceptably distanced, it really fosters a sense of community and connectedness to witness others out and about just like I am, whether its on a bike, with a wagon of kids, or a happy dog on a leash.  It’s a comforting reminder that we are all in this together. 

4. Connect (Do Something Social) 

I try to chat with at least one  friend or loved one everyday.  Sometimes its over zoom or facetime, but mostly, I will hit two birds with one stone and have a long phone call while walking in the neighbourhood.

It’s so easy to go days without talking to anyone besides the people we are living with. Sometimes I feel like I have to push myself to commit to a phone date or group virtual meetup. However, I always always ALWAYS, hang up (or sign off) feeling happy and grateful for making the time to be social.

Also, I am trying to be better at keeping up with texting and group chat conversations. Admittedly, I definitely fall into the bad texter category, having every intention to respond to a message “in a bit” and letting it end up in the graveyard of unread and unopened messages in my inbox.

Before covid, it was a little easier to beg forgiveness, seeing many of these people in person, but now that in-person encounters are no longer the norm, I can’t use the rationale. So if I get a message, I try to respond right away… ideally. If you are my friend, reading this and rolling your eyes, I am sorry and I love you. Please get on my case!

Check out my post on how to fight loneliness during quarantine for some other ideas of how to stay connected.  

5. Create (State of Flow)

for me, this usually comes in the form of writing.   Oftentimes, my morning journaling becomes an act of creating all in itself.   Creativity also seeps into my movement practice, whether its flowing intuitively to the music on my yoga-inspired playlist, or having a spontaneous dance party with a whole lot of  drama and feeling in my basement. 

Exercise your right-side brain through doing something creative each day.

It can also be painting, drawing, playing in a instrument, making a recipe, writing poetry or a story, taking pictures, posting on social media something of a little meaning, or anything else that moves you from a place of consumer to creator. 

Instead of allowing life to just happen to you, make something of your own doing.  In whatever form or outlet that takes for you, let go of expectations, allow yourself to fall into a state of flow, and let whatever comes up, come out and into the world. 

Creativity is NOT a gift or talent that is reserved only for “artists.” Rather, creativity is a muscle, that can be strengthened and honed through regular practice. Making a commitment to exercising your creative muscle, tapping into the right hemisphere of your brain, may increase your resilience, your productivity, and your mental and emotional well-being.

Creative tasks allow us to enter a state of meditative focus and flow, and in turn allow us greater insight into our thoughts and internal feelings that we may have difficulty processing or expressing otherwise.

Putting These Things into Practice

How you go about tackling each of these aspects is up to you-- maybe you improvise a little, finding ways to incorporate each one as the day goes on, or maybe you pencil each in at different, specific times, if you think you may need a little more motivation.  Whatever you choose, be realistic. 

Still spending my days in my PJ’s doing “unproductve things” like lazing around with Jaeda

Think about how you usually feel at different times of the day.  If you know you are ready for a nap by 4 PM, it may NOT be the hour to schedule in exercise.  If you have been staying up late watching Modern Family every night, committing to meditate as the sun is coming up also might be stretching it.  

For myself, I haven’t been holding myself to any firm schedule.  When I wake up, I think of my day in terms of chunks, and then I think of what I need to do and in which “chunk” it might fit best.

For example, I do my lesson planning in the morning after breakfast, go for a walk and phone a friend when its the sunniest time of the afternoon, and spend a few hours before dinner writing and blogging.

This sounds quite productive, and many days I feel quite accomplished by the time I’m sitting in front of another Game of Thrones episode with my family.

However, there are still several hours of the day that I am doing whatever little tasks or less-productive activities catch my interest— from doing the laundry I’ve been putting off for weeks, watching netflix, doing handstands around the house, and more often than I care to admit, mindlessly scrolling social media.

But what can I say?

I am human, and this pandemic has shaken all of us out of our routines. We are all getting used to the new normal. And in light of that, we should be giving ourselves and each other the time and space to adjust and adapt to whatever that looks like for each of us.

What has happened to your daily routine during Covid-19?

What commitments have you made, or do you want to make, to help you adjust to this new normal?

Keep on keeping on,

Jordan

xoxox

Alone Together: Staying Connected in Isolation

A screenshot of a much needed Zoom hangout with friends.

A lot of us are feeling a little lonely these days. Implemented regulations and measures for social distancing and self-isolation are confining us to our homes, with our handful of roommates or family members, or partner, or just ourselves.

We are innately social creatures, who thrive with the company and connection to other beings. Even the most extreme introvert, who cherishes "alone-time,” still craves the presence of others (in smaller doses).

People on every part of the spectrum of personality can experience loneliness— especially in a time like this, in the midst of global pandemic which we do not know for how long, or how severely, will persist.

Even if we are isolating with someone, it does not make up for the countless other interactions that used to fill our lives with a sense of connection and community: lunch break gossiping with your coworkers, a Friday night staying out too late with your friends, the first date with that person you matched with on hinge, or even the morning banter with the barista who made you your latte. 

I miss baristas and morning coffee runs.

In each of these exchanges, we experience a shift in our mentality and our projection of who we are, stepping out of our inner space of internal thoughts and criticisms, and assuming the version of ourselves that engages and interacts with others. 

Neither version less true.  Both are essential to who we are, and shape how we feel about ourselves and where we belong in the world.

I have found myself feeling immensely lighter and happier after social interactions.  It’s a blissful escape, a much needed exhale, from the busy and often negative thoughts of my mind.  I am much more relaxed, easy, and free spirited in the company of others.  I surprise myself with my own sense of humour and zany observations. 

It’s really only been since starting this isolation, and spending so much time on my own that I’ve noticed the contrast between these versions of myself. 

On my own, even in the presence of my family, my thoughts weigh heavier. Prone to overthinking and overanalyzing, I am less in the moment, and more in my head. 

And in this place, I start to judge and criticize myself, allowing anxieties and insecurities to fester.  I am even quieter around my family, mousing around with an air of pessimism and edgy indecision. It’s misery meets boredom. It’s moping.

It’s only been recently after getting off some zoom calls that I’ve noticed the stark contrast in my thoughts before and after socializing.  And I am coming to realize that what I am experiencing, despite living in a family of six, is loneliness. 

The nature of my thoughts are not very different now than they are in normal everyday life.  The difference is that when they would come up, they only lasted a few minutes, or however long it was before I was caught up in something else-and working in a room full of thirty lively five year old leaves little time to think, let alone ruminate.

I also know myself well enough to know how much being social benefits my mental health, so I always kept myself busy making plans with friends, whether it was brunch,hitting up a bar, or doing a yoga class.

Now, I do not have the luxury of any of those outlets, and the thoughts that used to be in passing can now fester for hours and even days.  

I start to forget what my redeeming qualities are, the aspects of my personality that have allowed me to make so many amazing connections and relationships over the years. 

And as this isolation drags on, I am realizing just how important it is to continue to nurture this side of my nature, even though it doesn’t feel “the same” doing it through a screen.

The truth is, this is the way of the world right now, and it’s better to embrace it, spotty wifi and all, than brace against it and wallow in loneliness.  

Zoom and Facetime are the lesser evil in an unideal situation.

Up until recently, I wasn’t making much of an effort to to join the virtual hangouts or group chats going on with my friends.  I didn’t like seeing myself as I was conversing (I still don’t).  I didn’t like peering into a small screen for hours at a time.  I didn’t like having to rearrange my camera every time I wanted to shift position. I just didn’t like how it didn’t feel the same.  I figured I would just do my own thing and wait it out until we can hang in person in the next couple weeks. 

And then a couple weeks passed…and then a month.  

And now what is more uncomfortable than zoom chats is noticing how my negative thoughts become heavier even after a day or two without that kind of connection.  

Motivating myself to go for a walk and get out of my mopey headspace.

So I’ve made a commitment to do some kind of socializing outside of my family every single day- even if I don’t really feel like it.  It doesn’t always need to be a video or Facetime chat.  Most days, its a long phone call with a friend as I go for a walk. 

However, I don’t skip out on the group zoom hangouts when they are planned.

There is still a valuable sense of togetherness there, that while isn’t the same as sharing a couch or crowded round a table, still makes me feel a little more whole. 

Seeing everyone’s face on a little square on my screen reminds me that I am not alone in feeling alone. 

We are all in this together, doing what we can to stay connected and content, and getting a little insight into who we are on our own, in the process.

Taken on one of my daily walks. Sunshine also helps.

What are you doing to fight loneliness? How are you staying connected while staying safe at home?

-xoxo

Jordan

The Parent Trap: The Challenges of Quarantining Back at Home (as an adult).

During this pandemic I have been quarantining with my family at my parents’ house in the suburbs for the past six weeks.  While I am grateful to be with family during this time, and not being completely isolated, it brews a whole other pot of challenges. The last time we were all living together under one roof for a substantial period of time was over five years ago, while we “kids” were all still in school. With each of us having spent a couple years out of the nest and in our own independent routines, now coming back together around the dinner table, sharing bathrooms, and claiming work space has caused some tension to say the least.  More than that, is the added challenge of dealing with some of my own emotional shit that seems to have resurfaced with coming back to my childhood home.

finding a quiet workspace while quarantining in a house of people is challenging.

And I know that I am not the only one. Our family, and our homes, can be a place we feel comfortable. But there is a fine line between “comfortable” and “comfort zone.” Right now, many of us are being tested by our living situations, with repercussions both on our own personal well-being, as well as on our relationships.

So let’s begin by digging in to some of the greatest challenges I’ve been facing since being back home.

Challenges about Quarantining at Home with Family:

1. Food disappears.  Those leftovers you put away last night, thinking they would be a great lunch the next day?  Well unless you’re getting up to eat them at 7 am, they’re gone. 

2. Constant dishes.  Before coming back to this house, my roommates and I used to run our dishwasher once every one or two days.  There was never a pile up of dishes because we always did our own. Now, with six adult appetites in the house and family meals, our dishwasher is going at least twice a day… and still there is a pileup in the sink.

3. Staking out workspace.  Everyone here is either working or studying from home right now, or both.  We have a big house with multiple rooms. And yet still it seems there is a constant musical chairs of who is working where based on where the best light is, if there’s people making noise in other parts of the house, or if the wifis acting up. Which bring me to the next point…

4. Wifi hogging.   Despite countless calls to our provider, our wifi always seems to be a little finicky, even before all of us were home.  These days with six of us on multiple devices, we’re finding that we need to reset the router multiple times a day. It turns out we are all enslaved to internet in isolation: whether it be working on the computer, scrolling social media, on zoom chats, watching netflix, or playing online Catan, it seems there is never a time we are NOT connected.

5. Falling back into old patterns. This is the largest challenge of all, and the most difficult to overcome. What these old patterns or habits are will very from person to person.  For my mother, it is feeling like she is responsible for feeding and cleaning up for everyone as if we were still young kids, and not full grown adults perfectly capable of feeding and caring for ourselves.  For us “kids”, it is often reverting back into that role, and not pulling the same weight around the house as we were when living independently.  

“Old Habits Die Hard”- Environmental Triggers and Wired Thought Patterns

Old patterns aren’t just in relation to family roles, but may also resurface as old neural pathways light up again, triggered by a return to a familiar environment.  The first week I was back home I started to fall into some old unhealthy habits that used to define my days when I was living at home full time, and very much in the thick of an eating disorder. But after a few days of skipping lunch, and going a little overboard on exercise, and feeling totally unbalanced (and like mental shit), I recognized what was happening and committed myself to a more sustainable routine.  It took me by surprise, because many of those thoughts and behaviours never crossed my mind living downtown. It was something about being back in the place where I was engaging in those patterns that caused them to resurface. However, the most significant change was simply awareness. Recognizing what I was doing as being counterproductive and not in line with the person I wanted to be.  

Being back in your childhood home can often bring back old patterns of behaviours- some not so healthy

For you, it could be other kinds of thoughts or behaviours that are resurfacing.  Maybe you are finding yourself less patient or picking fights or more critical of the people you are living with.  Maybe you are finding that your room or workspace is getting more cluttered or messy, looking more like it may have when you were living in it as a teenager.  Or maybe you are finding yourself sleeping in late into the morning (or afternoon) and staying up much too late without doing anything very productive.  

Whatever your old habits may be, if you find them resurfacing during this time, don’t beat yourself up over it.  Understand WHY it is happening, and commit yourself to rewire those neural pathways.

Have self-compassion, but don’t let your brain pull one over on you either.  Make the changes, little or big, that you need to, in order to keep in line with the person you want to be.  

For me, that meant making myself a schedule that had me eating breakfast within an hour of waking up each day, and then eating something every three hours to keep my brain from reverting back to that feast or famine mentality that I was operating in for most of my eating disorder.  It also meant not doing the same exercise, varying the kinds and amounts, each day, so none became compulsive. Several weeks in, it still means deliberately choosing to walk LESS than the day before, or do a restorative flow instead of a core class, just to remind my brain that we aint doing that exercise obsession thing anymore.  

Making little changes in your daily routine can make a big difference in your mental health 

So, think about your habits:

What habits are you happy with?

How might you be thinking or behaving that is NOT in line with the person that you want to be?

What tangible steps can you take to change those thoughts or behaviours?  

I am NOT talking about drastic lifestyle changes.  If you want to change sleeping in till noon and watching netflix til 3, Try setting your alarm for 10.  Schedule a zoom call or a social distance walk with a friend for 11. The next week, set your alarm for 9.  And so on.  

You are the master of your mind, and in turn, you are the master of your actions.  This time in isolation is by no means easy, whether you are isolating on your own or with family. 

You have two options: (1) You can either just cope, ride out the quarantine with your eyes closed until its over.  Or (2), you can use this place of discomfort to grow, to strengthen your character, enhance your self-awareness, and build your resilience.  

And if you commit to that overall big picture of who you want to be, how you want your relationships to be, once this is all over, you will come out of this a stronger, happier person than you were going in.  

Stay healthy, friends,

Jordan 

Xoxo

The Quarantine Fifteen Part II: MythBusting

**This post is about diet culture. If you are a person with a very healthy relationship with exercise, and don’t think too much about what you eat, this post may not interest you. Good on you- keep doing you and check back for my next post.

If you ARE interested in learning to navigate the messages about health and fitness bouncing around the web like a beach ball at a Nickelback concert, keep reading.**

---

With gyms closed, and many people working at home in close proximity to refrigerators, gaining weight during this social quarantine is becoming a prevalent concern.  As I discussed in my last post, this idea of the “quarantine-fifteen” is perpetuating some fitness and weight loss propaganda from which companies in the health and fitness industry are profiting. 

I am NOT writing this post because I have some sort of personal vendetta against any of these companies or individuals. I love being active, and feeling healthy and strong in my body.  But coming from a decade long struggle with anorexia, I know how harmful some of these messages can be when taken a bit too seriously. Especially when many of these weight loss “hacks” really work the opposite way they were intended.  

During my recovery, I devoured (pun not intended) countless studies, articles, podcasts, and other research regarding bodyweight, metabolism and exercise, desperate to understand what exactly I had to do to be healthy- mentally and physically.  There’s a lot of conflicting information out there. However, a constant throughout was that extreme diets or “lifestyles” do not work long-term.

For every study that there is saying why one food is the the key to eternal youth (ie. coconut oil), there is another claiming it to be the devil (ie. coconut oil). I am no expert. I can’t tell you the best way to eat or exercise or “be healthy.” This is because there is not one best way. There is only the best way for you.

For the past couple years, I have committed myself to eating unrestricted, relearning what it means to eat intuitively, and rebuilding a new relationship with exercise. I still have some rewiring left to do, but my mindset towards food and exercise is much healthier and infinitely less consuming than it has been. 

We live in a diet culture.  Its only when I actively forced myself to step outside of it that I could truly see some of the bulls*** that is being conveyed as “healthy living.” 

So let’s get down to it and dispel some myths about weight gain and the “quarantine fifteen.”

Myth-Busting: Weight-Loss Edition

1. Dieting will make you lose weight

   In the short term, yes. Eating in a caloric deficit will make you lose weight. A lot of it water and muscle, but the scale will go down.  HOWEVER, within a few months, or even weeks, depending on how much you restrict your intake, evolutionary biology will kick in. Your body will feel the threat of famine, and will fight every way it can to make up the energy it is not getting.  This may mean slowing down metabolism, increasing hunger hormones, and signaling your brain to obsess over food in a way you never did before you started dieting. You will likely find yourself more prone to cravings, overeating, and even bingeing. Whether its restricting certain food groups, eating “cleaner”, or simply cutting calories, making certain foods (or amounts of foods) “off-limits” will only make them even more tempting and irresistible.

2. Intermittent fasting is the best way to diet without being on a diet.

   If you are a person that tends to be less hungry waking up in the morning, there’s nothing wrong in waiting a few hours upon waking before breaking the fast.  However, if you are overriding your body’s innate hunger cues in favour of the time on a clock, and not eating until your stomach is eating itself (or you have been hungry for so long, the hunger is passed) you are not doing yourself any favours.  As mentioned above, overriding your body’s innate hunger may cause your brain to adopt a “feast or famine” mentality, making you over-fixate on food. This makes it much harder to tune into your body’s intuitive cues, and to stop before all the cookies are gone.

   Intermittent fasting can also wreak havoc on your hormones, especially if you are female. Chronic low blood sugar in the morning can cause a spike in cortisol, a stress hormone that can inhibit the production of estrogen and other important reproductive hormones.  In my eating disorder I was “intermittent fasting” before it was even a thing, and I did not have a monthly cycle for over eight years (If that’s TMI, sorry, but not sorry. … I’ll talk more about my experience with Hypothalamic Amenhorrea in another post).

3. High intensity workouts are the key to weight loss. 

   Some studies have shown a minimal increase in metabolic rate following sessions of intensive exercise or HIIT workouts.  However, the lingering caloric burn for several hours afterwards is minimal. A 45 minute cardio burn session is not a free pass to all the donuts you can eat for the rest of the day. Especially when that exercise intensity could be wreaking havoc with your hormones and hunger cues. High-intensity workouts or excessive cardio can cause a huge spike in cortisol just the way intermittent fasting can, as well as raise levels of the hormones that regulate your hunger and appetite. This makes many people ravenous throughout the day, and prone to eating more than feels good.
   

   Before you come at me, I am NOT saying that it’s never a good idea to work hard in your workouts. Some people can incorporate some HIIT training in their week quite healthily. But if you are feeling a little run down or over-hungry or have any symptoms of hormonal imbalance, you may want to think about the type of exercise you are doing.
   
   

4. Not exercising = gaining weight. 

   This all depends on your set point weight, and if you are using exercise as a way to hold your body at a weight below where it is optimally healthy. If you are at a weight where your body is optimally healthy and happy, and you aren’t following any kind of rules or lifestyle to maintain, working out less for a month or two really won’t make any noticeable changes to your body. However, If you are holding your body below its natural set point or happy place, through diet or exercise, and you decrease the amount of activity that you are doing, regardless of what you are eating, your weight may start to creep upwards. This is your body gravitating to its set point, the weight that only your body gets to decide is its optimal healthy place.

   The beautiful thing about being at your set point is that even a few weeks or months without exercise, and eating a normal, unrestricted diet, is that you will NOT gain weight. Your body will keep you within a ~few pounds of that comfortable weight, and will raise or lower metabolism accordingly to adjust to your energy intake and output.

** I didn’t go into much detail about these things, because I’m sure many of you already have a pretty healthy and balanced mindset when it comes to these things.  But if you are interested in a little more of the science and expertise backing these concepts, I’ll leave some links at the bottom of this post. **

It’s Not About Changing your Body. It’s Changing your Mindset.

Essentially, adopting a “diet mentality” and over-fixating on food or exercise is NOT how to escape the “quarantine-fifteen.”

And again, even if you do lose some muscle or put on a few pounds, who really cares? Your body is just trying to cope with the new stresses and threats in our external environment, (ie. global pandemic).  It is healthy and normal to go through periods of rest and recovery. From animals preparing for winter, to athletes detraining or moving into off season, it's okay to not be in peak athletic form year round, and for bodies to change. 

This guy’s got the right idea.

Nourish yourself with lots of sleep, good food, and self-compassion.  Remember that health encompasses more than your physical body. Take care of your mind, your spirit and your soul (Pro-tip: Chocolate keeps the dementors away). 

Let me know in the comments if you want more posts about these kinds of things. I will probably post more about my experience in the future. If there’s anything in particular you want to know more about, fire away. I could probably write a book or two (or a hundred) about anything food, fitness, or recovery related…

In the meantime, stay tuned for some more procrasti-baking recipes and isolation inspiration coming down the pipe shortly! 

(social distance) Hugs, 

Jordan

More on Set Point Theory and Diets

https://www.healthline.com/health/set-point-theory#body-weight-set-point

https://www.floliving.com/intermittent-fasting/

https://tabithafarrar.com/2020/04/you-were-never-supposed-to-be-micro-managing-your-food-intake/

https://fitonapp.com/fitness/the-truth-behind-why-your-hiit-workouts-may-not-be-working/

https://www.thereallife-rd.com/2017/05/finding-healthy-set-point/

The “Quarantine Fifteen”— Gaining Weight during Isolation

If you have been on any form of social media these past couple weeks, you may have come across one of the countless posts, memes, or tweets about gaining the covid-nineteen, or the quarantine-fifteen. Essentially, these puns stem from the idea that staying home is making us fat.

Some of these posts are pure humour, outrageous memes of people “before” quarantine and “after.” Maybe they are a little crude, but harmless, and provide a good chuckle.

Other posts take this quarantine fifteen a bit more seriously.  Many influencers, fitness studios, and other health or wellness companies are perpetuating this fear of the “quarantine fifteen” to get us to subscribe to things like at-home sculpt workouts, HIIT classes, or virtual spin subscriptions.  My feed is filled with posts and videos entitled “What I eat in Isolation to not gain weight” or “Quarantine Exercise Regime.”

These individuals provide us with “health hacks”, from morning green smoothies, to water fasts, to DIY basement gyms, oh so benevolently saving us from our gluttonous, lazy selves, who would undoubtedly be lying on the couch on our third bag of chips had we not been gifted with the details of their regime.   

a screenshot of a few of the hundreds of videos on youtube about staying “healthy” while in isolation

Don’t get me wrong.  Eating healthy is important, and working out is great for your mind and body.   I’ve been doing tons of yoga and pilates and other classes with some of my favourite instructors during this isolation period, and the sense of community and connection I get from these sessions is invaluable.  

HOWEVER, the problem I have with this new rise of at-home fitness and clean eating regimes is how it is often being marketed as the antidote to not gaining weight-- and implying the loss of fitness while we are at home to be shameful.  

A couple things.  First, we are in the midst of a global pandemic.  I won’t get too morbid here, as the media is already doing a fabulous job of keeping us up with the rising death tolls across the world each day, but in a nutshell, the disease is spreading. People are sick, and people are dying.  People are dying alone, and families are grieving loved ones without being able to come together to support each other. Hospitals are running out of supplies, and there are not enough ventilators to support all the cases that come to hospital that could recover otherwise.  We are all at risk. Even going to the grocery store endangers ourselves and our families. 

Many of us are also facing other challenges, such as losing income, being unable to pay rent and other bills, or being catapulted into new roles of homeschool teacher  and/or caregiver. Not to mention, the tremendous toll on our own mental and emotional wellbeing during this scary time. 

Second, pandemic aside, is gaining weight or losing fitness really that terrible? Putting on a few extra pounds or not making any new PRs over the next few months should not be a moral sin.

The people who love you, who want you to be safe and healthy during this pandemic do not care if you can fit into your tightest pair of jeans right now. Let’s be honest, who’s actually wearing real pants these days? Your dog doesn’t care about your quad development. Your zoom chats or face-times with your friends will not be any more fun or meaningful if you ran 10 kilometres beforehand, or you are following a keto diet religiously.

Yes, staying healthy is important. Sleep is important. Eating a good and balanced diet is important. Moving your body in a way that feels good, that serves you mentally and physically, is important. None of that has to do with weight.

During this time, you need to do whatever is healthy, mentally and physically, for you.  

Just because Karen manages her mental health by running 25 kilometers every morning, refueling with a smoothie bowl, and doing back to back Zoom HIIT classes everyday, does not mean you can’t eat the cookies your sister baked.   

Meet yourself where you are at.  Get some fresh air, (while being safe and social distancing), move your body in a way that feels good, for however long or short you have.  Watch your favourite Netflix shows (Schitt’s Creek is my latest obsession), read that book (Harry Potter- any one) that’s been sitting on your nightstand for a year and a half, start that craft or hobby that you’ve been threatening to do when things “calm down”, or bake some bread (or cinnamon buns!), because God knows you have the time to wait for yeast to rise right now,

Doing a lot of knitting these days and not mad about it.

The worst thing that might happen is you put on a couple pounds.  Its not like you are training for the olympics. And even if you are, you’ve got at least a whole year to get back in competing form for when the olympics have been rescheduled in 2021.

Health is not the same as fitness. Health is not gaining or losing weight. As long as you are nourishing your mind, your body, and your emotional well-being during this isolation, the “quarantine-fifteen'“ got nothing on you.

Stay healthy, friends,

xoxo

-Jordan