10 More Things I Learned During Covid Isolation

This is a continuation from my last post, where I talk about my experience of having Covid just before Christmas.

I tried to narrow what I learned from 10 days on my own to 10 items, but I failed miserably. So here are 10 more things isolation taught me.

To read the first 10 learnings from my experience with Covid click here.

10 (more) things I learned in Covid Isolation

1. It’s a good time to make a photobook whilst in quarantine. 

   Photobook creation websites like Photobook Canada (which I used) have some pretty amazing programs to create truly unique and professional books. 10 days honestly flew by just learning how to use the different features, and create a photo cookbook of all my Nana’s recipes that I was sure my mom would love. Honestly, hours went by without a thought dedicated to this very consuming project.

2. It takes a f***ing long time to put together a photobook.  

   Spoiler: It took me so long to make the photobook that it did not arrive in time for Christmas. On the final day of my isolation, I actually kind of wished I had another day or two to finish working on it in peace.

3. Sometimes exercise feels unproductive.

   Don’t get me wrong, I will always feel a high after finishing a workout, whether its a HIIT workout, a challenging pole class, or a long walk. But when you have a 100 page document (or photo cookbook) to edit and a fast approaching deadline, sweating for the sake of sweating or leaving your house to walk the same route for an hour only to arrive back where you started feels rather redundant. For that reason, as well as for the sake of my immune system that was currently being attacked by virus particles, I took a pretty big step back from exercise during my isolation. And I felt pretty accomplished by the end of it.

4. I own too few pairs of pajamas.

   Pretty much all I wore the entire 10 days I was isolating. And the few days I was sick and without test results before that. I even started walking my dog in my PJ’s, just throwing on my boots and coat. How many days did I go wearing the same pajama bottoms? I will take the answer of that to my grave.  

5. Bras are overrated.

   See above. The closest thing I came to a bra were the sports bras I would wear for pole. And sometimes they doubled as a shirt paired with my PJ bottoms for the rest of the day. I had surprisingly very little laundry to do after those 10 days quarantined at home.

6. Even introverts succumb to loneliness at some point.

   While I am not a through and through introvert (hello Leo), I definitely have an introverted side along with my streak of independence. For most of quarantine, I was pretty content with my puzzles, a hallmark Christmas movie, and my pole. However, there were times where I really and truly felt like an outsider to the rest of the world. I would see instagram stories and posts of friends getting together for christmas parties, work events, or even just coffee dates and that’s when loneliness would hit. In those moments, I would even consider giving up my PJ pants for some human interaction.

7. A bit of dancing everyday keeps sadness at bay.

   While I didn’t do much in terms of “working out,” most days I did end up finding my way to my pole, fuelled by my Spotify playlist of a few good songs in a row. I just moved and grooved and spun myself around, for as long or as little as I was feeing, and inevitably, I came out of those dance sessions with a little happiness boost. Well worth the slight feeling of out of breathness after (which did thankfully go away after my 5th or 6th day in isolation).

8. Even dogs need space.

   For 10 days, it was just me and my 13 year old husky/shepherd Jaeda. I am a cuddler. Jaeda less so. Craving some form of interaction and affection, I often looked to Jaeda for a good cuddle session. She would always oblige for awhile, but after 10 or so minutes had past of me skootching into her bed with her, she would look sideways at me, give a little groan, and heave her old bones off of her cushy bed to lay on the floor in another room alone. It could be said that perhaps Jaeda fared isolation even better than I did.

9. Thank God for Facetime.

   In the moments I didn’t even have the affection of my dog to quell my feelings of loneliness, Facetime was always there to give me to the kind of human connection only eye contact, facial expression, and a familiar voice can offer. To all the beloved friends who called to check in on me, or answered my calls where I had very little new and exciting to share, you know who you are, and you are appreciated.

10. There are some hidden gem christmas movies on Netflix.

    I watched more Christmas movies this year than I have in the past three years combined, thanks to Covid. As someone who is not all that fond of rewatching movies, especially those of the Hallmark variety, I was pleasantly surprised to find several new ones that were more than decent. At the top of my list were Lovehard, Let it Snow, A Knight for Christmas, A California Christmas and Klaus.

So there we have it. 10 Learnings from 10 days in Isolation. In the end, not all that miserable, and in many ways, rewarding. But would I willingly do it again? Probably not. I prefer my puzzles with a side of conversation. And I am running out of pajamas.

Have you had to isolate for covid? How did you kill the time?

Happy New Year,

Jordan xoxo

A Very Covid Christmas (again)- and 10 Things I Learned in Isolation

This Christmas I officially joined the covid club.  I still have no idea where I got it, although between teaching in person and a busy social life, there are several possibilities. I am very lucky, in that my symptoms were mild. I had a scratchy throat, and a light cough for a few days, but in all honesty if it was not covid times, I would have felt guilty taking off any more than a day of work for it. 

It started with feeling tired , and as a new teacher I didn’t really consider that a symptom, as much as an unavoidable way of life.  But then my throat started feeling weird.  I thought I was just dehydrated.  It wasn’t so much sore as it was scratchy.  Honestly it was only as I was sipping a beer in the distillery, feeling as if lacerations were being lit up as I swallowed the carbonated liquid that I started to make the connection. However, after two bouts of pretty bad colds/flus already this fall, I wasn’t super concerned it was covid.  I really just didn’t want to be sick in any kind of way in these weeks leading up to christmas.  

I went home, went to bed , thinking a good sleep would help.  Instead I was up half the night feeling feverish, hot and cold at the same time, with a pounding headache, and achy as if I had arthritis in my hips.  At 4:30 that morning I sent an email with my principal with typo laden plans explaining my absence that day.  

I woke up feeling much better.  My fever was gone (did I even have one in the first place? I wondered).  My throat felt much better, and my headache was mostly gone too.  I did have some phlegm and a cough, but it was much milder than the cough I had the last time I was sick, and that was not covid. 

 I somehow miraculously did not infect any member of my family, despite seeing them over the weekend and on the very day I started having symptoms, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I did, however, land my lovely roommate with Covid for the second time.  And unlike me, who luckily gets to leave my isolation the eve before Christmas eve, she only started having symptoms a few days ago and must spend Christmas on her lonesome until the 27th.  She isn’t holding it against me, and I’ve been showering her with early Christmas gifts including a delivery of Craig’s Cookies and an UberEats gift card, but I still feel awful to have thrown a wrench into her family Christmas plans. 

The most distressing part of this whole debacle is that I have to suffer the inconvenience of 10 days of isolation during the week of excitement and anticipation leading up to the 25th.  I missed several Christmas events, including the annual Christmas reunion dinner with my high school friend group, and our family Christmas on the 19th with cousins who live in BC was cancelled completely.  My hopes of sipping (chugging) mulled wine with my cousins watching our parents get equally as toasted were dashed. 

But as I am continuously reminded, it is just the times.  

I feel like I’m going through the ultimate 2020 rite of passage having covid.  In a fucked up kind of way, receiving my positive result from a PCR test almost felt like a golden ticket to Wonka’s factory-- something I had heard about, and always knew was a possibility, but never quite believed I would ever be the recipient.  It felt as if I was just hearing the term “Omnicom”  and gossip about Covid becoming a big “thing” again, when all of a sudden I had it. 

People are continuously fascinated by Covid.  It has this air of intrigue composed of both awe and fear around it, the virus equivalent of “He Who Must Not Be Named” (AKA Voldemort, for the non-potter-heads). When I got my test result, I contacted all the people I had seen the weekend leading up to it.  The owner of my pole studio sent out a message to those I had been in class with me letting them know they had been in contact with “a positive case.”  “Don’t worry!  The owner assured me.  I didn’t say it was you! I Kept it anonymous.  It was very kind of her to do that, but also, why do we have this attached shame complex to a positive test? Its not as if anyone conspires to get covid and then spread it to as many people as they can.  Its a virus that as a world, we are all fighting together.  

Friends reached out with the same questions:  

How are you?  

What are your symptoms?

How did you get it?

My  not very exciting responses were okay, fine, and no idea.  They were relieved I was okay,  but at the dame time there is a sense of disappointment. Like that’s it?  This is what we’ve been hiding from for close to 2 years? 

I get it.  But still, I am grateful that this, for me, is all covid was.  

My isolation companion, Jaeda

10 Things I learned in Covid Isolation

1.  Covid feels like a mild cold (and I thank being vaxxed for that.)

   I’ve been sick three times this fall/winter already, and each time my symptoms were much more severe than this.  Other than a short bout of feeling feverish in the middle of the night when I first started feeling off, covid felt no worse than a mild cold.  I had a scratchy throat for two days, and a very light cough and not a ton of energy for a few more after that.  However, by day 4 or 5,  I would’ve been back to my regularly scheduled life if what I had wasn’t covid.  

   I know some people might take this as proof that covid really isn’t  a big deal, and that there are unnecessary precautions and restrictions being made out of fear/ corruption/ ignorance etc…  But I am pretty confident that being double vaxxed probably had something to do with the very mild and manageable experience I had.  And, for what I am very grateful, keeping my parents and family, and students from not getting infected by me, considering I was in close contact with many people right up until the night I had my fever.  Yes, I got covid, BUT it could have been MUCH worse. 

2. It's very convenient to isolate in walking distance to family.

This fall, my grandfather moved into a care home, leaving his house right next to my family home empty, Even before I got my official positive test result, my parents invited me to do my isolation in this empty house so I would have room to sprawl out and also be nearby for them to help me out.  I know I am beyond lucky to have this convenient set up, but it was honestly a life saver.  And every home cooked meal that was lovingly delivered to my door did not go unappreciated. 

My Grandfather’s empty house where I spent the past 10 days in isolation

3. I will never again take for granted the opportunity to grocery shop in person. 

Grocery delivery services and Instacart are very convenient, and during my 10 days of isolation, they kept me well fed and well stocked. But as a grocery shopper, I am much more of an in-the moment impulse buyer of what looks good versus writing a list. I swear I spend longer navigating the instacart website, trying to rack my brain for what I want to eat for the next week versus walking the aisles and buying what looks yummy at a good price. I also felt denied the experience of food shopping in the days before christmas… Meandering the festive displays of chocolates and oranges and fresh figs as Christmas music blares through the aisles. People watching the festive folk grocery shopping in Santa hats and holiday sweaters , carts filled with things for entertaining like wheels of brie, giant panettone, and cartons of egg nog.  Maybe I am a bit of an odd duck, missing food shopping in this way but there's nothing like being locked indoors for an extended period that makes you miss these ordinary experiences of being human. 

4.  I am more introverted than I thought

At first, the prospect of having to isolate for 10 days sent me into a spiral of dread.  I hate being alone, I thought. I am an extrovert!  I need people.  Turns out I can be pretty content on my own with a puppy, a home pole studio, and a puzzle.   I was able to get lots of writing done, make several gifts for family, friends, and their dogs (hello, hand sewn bandanas) and watch anything I wanted without compromise.  Actually by dat 9, I was kind of wishing I had one more day of isolation to get a little bit more done before my time was up and I was thrown back into the mayhem of a family christmas.

5. I still remember the majority of every Taylor Swift song 

I love to sing,  but living in close quarters with a roommate, I never subjected her every often to my belting it out musical theatre style impromptu concerts.  In a big house on my lonesome, with Taylor Swift playing on my spotify, I didn't hold back.   Turns out I remember the obscure lyrics from obscure tracks on Red and 1984      just as well as I did back in 2010. 

6. Christmas cookies taste better when you can share them

Near the end of my isolation, when I figured I was mostly noncontagious, I started christmas baking, making dozens of beautiful cookies.  It felt nice to bake, but when you are sharing the finished result of a perfectly shaped sugar cookie or lightly whipped aquafaba meringue with none but yourself and your dog, the joy falls flat just a little.  I could've eaten oreos with my hot chocolate after that day of baking and been equally as satisfied, and created much less of a mess. 

7. The truest friends don’t forget about you when you are MIA (out of sight out of mind)

Despite my new discovery of an introverted side, it was really amazing to hear from friends throughout my isolation.  I totally get out of sight out of mind, and I hate to say I often fall into that pattern of interaction, especially with friends and family in different cities and provinces.  So when I was dropped off a covid care package from my extremely thoughtful long time friend, I felt loved and appreciated and cared for, and I think that itself made the entire isolation experience so much more endurable.  Even something as simple as the texts I received from various friends and family checking in on me, or saying hi in just a sentence or less were beautiful reminders of the connections I had in my life, and the friendships I do not take for granted.

covid care package from a dear friend <3

8. A walk does not need to be 5 kilometres

In isolation, technically you are not supposed to leave yourself.   In a very quiet street in the suburbs, I made an exception twice a day (morning and night) to venture out to walk my dog (masked) and keeping away from people.  My dog is 13. We do not go far and we do not go fast.  The furthest we ever go is barely 2 kilometres and it takes close to 45 minutes, with lots of breaks for sniffing things.  Usually however, it's closer to ½ a kilometre, to the park to walk through a woodlot and back .

Before getting covid, I had a pretty ingrained habit of getting at least 5 km in a day. Sometimes it was all at once. Sometimes it was a few kilometres to school, a few back, and then another few over lunch. Anything less felt well-- lazy.  After 10 days of slowing down to Jaeda’s senior citizen pace, I realize getting out for just a slow walk around the block can do just as much for my spirits and energy as a speedy 7 km loop around the city.  Also, I think having a dog as company on these walking ventures is also a big factor in the happiness level achieved. 

9. It's okay to walk zero kilometres a day.

Expanding on the last point a little more.  There were some days in my isolation where Jaeda was sore or the weather was rainy and miserable where it made no sense to break covid protocol and venture outside.  And while the first day this happened I felt pretty anxious , I did it and (obviously) nothing bad happened.  If anything, it felt freeing.  As much as it was a downer getting covid, especially at christmas time, in a way I am thankful that it forced me to face this very deceptive compulsion I have continued to hang onto.  As healthy of a  habit of walking every day is, the fact that I was doing it pretty compulsively was important for me to break. 

10.  After a long time of not being around other people, it starts to matter less what they might think.

In isolation I didn’t wear makeup for the whole 10 days.  I also did not wear anything but pajamas (and pole shorts) for most of that 10 days either.  At first, the exception was putting on a pair of leggings to go walk the dog.  But in the latter half of my isolation period, I found myself not caring enough to get up and change out of my pjs and would simply throw on a coat over my fuzzy plaid pj bottoms before leaving the house.  After doping it once, I did it every time.  I didn’t even feel silly.  I just felt like a girl walking her dog in her pajamas and I owned it. 

I came out of isolation on the eve of December 23rd, just in time to celebrate christmas with my family. In some ways, it was a very convenient circumstance of covid. But I am still happy its over.

Out of isolation, Christmas morning. Jaeda was happy too.

How was your covid christmas?

xoxo

Jordan

February Favourites

In typical blogger fashion, here is a roundup of some of my favourite things this month. Perhaps a little atypical however, is the types of things I am listing here. There is no skincare or makeup and in fact a lot of things that don’t even have a link to a site where they can be bought. This is simply a roundup of things that have been adding to my life this past month. I am hoping now that some of them may find their way into yours. As I’ve written about before on this blog, its the little things that make life wonderful.

Favourite Drink

Soy Matcha Latte

Pre-lockdown, I got one of these at least once a week from starbucks. It was part of my routine to grab a matcha latte and spend a few hours writing in the cafe. Now that I am unable to stay i a Starbucks to work, I have gotten into a new habit of making these at home for myself— strong matcha tea, a little sweetener of your choice, (my favourite being vanilla coffee syrup!) and steamed soy milk. I am tempted to say better than Starbucks, but we all know I will be back handing them my money as soon as this lockdown is over.

Favourite Food

Peanut Butter Oatmeal

In these cold winter days, oatmeal has been my go-to breakfast. I thought I knew how to make good oatmeal, but it wasnt until I started adding peanut butter into the mix that my breakfast went from good to mind blowing. Lately, its been a diced apple or banana (and sometimes both!) with a big gob of peanut butter, and lots of cinnamon. I even double up on the peanut flavour adding in a scoop of powdered peanut butter along with a gob of the natural full fat stand-by. Extra protein, extra flavour, whats not to love? And secret tip: adding a few berries in at the end makes the whole bowl taste like peanut butter and jelly. I’m obsessed.

Favourite App

Wealth Simple

Who would’ve guessed that I would have ever found my way to the stock market? Until a month ago, I only ever picked up the newspaper to read my horoscope— let alone the business section! But after making some financial goals for myself this new year, and watching my brother and his friends venture into the brave new world of investing, I figured it was as good a time as ever to dip my toes in too. So my brother downloaded Wealthsimple onto my phone for me and I was off to the races!

With a super user-friendly interface, I am picking it up quick, and it is becoming an app that I am using (almost) as regularly as any of my social media accounts. Its an easy and simple way to get started in making your money make money for you. As a teacher, I know my income is never going to skyrocket, so I feel empowered having another means to make those $$ with some smart investments.

Favourite Podcast

What the Phalange?! Podcast

What the Phalange!? is a podcast about the TV show friends that goes through the series episode by episode, and tackling some of the problematic themes through it from a place of love and fandom. The issues and tone are light hearted enough that it never comes across as too heavy, but is not so light that it feels like I am listening to junk and lowering my intelligence. When I spend so much (too much) of my time consuming social media, I like putting on this podcast as I am out walking to balance that out with a dose of intelligent conversation with messages that are empowering and illuminating— and as an avid fan of friends, and the quirky banter of the two siblings who host this show, I feel like I am among friends as I listen in.

Favourite Activity

Forest Trail Dog Walks

Forest Therapy Trail in Markham, ON

Perhaps the hardest part about my recent foot injury is having to give up my little trail adventures with my dog Jaeda. I took me over 20 years of living in Markham to discover the intricate rouge valley trail system that existed just 5 minutes away from us in the smack middle of suburbia. For years, we would drive out to Durham Forest or Greenwood Forest in Ajax to get some trail time, and because it was a bit of a trek, we didn’t do it very often. Now, we get out multiple times a week to explore along the Forest Therapy Trail just minutes from mainstreet. If Jaeda wasn’t the thirteen year old senior she is, we could walk there!

There is nothing better than being out in nature in any season, but something about the sparkling white snow on a sunny winter day that is its own kind of magical. And watching a dog frolick around in snow banks like a puppy makes it that much better.

It will be hard going back to Toronto sidewalks after this.

Favourite Book

The Alice Network

I go through waves of reading, according to if what I am reading is more compelling than whatever my social media feeds have to show me. For the couple weeks it took me to devour The Alice network, my screen time was hella down. I am not usually an avid historical fiction reader, feeling too disconnected or bored by eras before my time. But this book, based on the intricate network of spies made up by a few badass women, has had me rethink this stance. This book is definitely not PG-13 and thank god for that.

And that concludes this little roundup of some of the things that have been making my life a little fuller this month. Its the little things— comfort foods, warm drinks, a good book, and some nature time, that balance out some of the bigger things that define our lives— goals, careers, and curveballs (like a broken foot) along the way.

Hoping you are making space for your own ways to recharge and find your balance this February. Feel free to leave a comment about one of YOUR favourite things lately.

exes and ohs,

Jordan

Finding Gratitude this 2020 (Reflecting on a Covid Thanksgiving)

2020 has been a weird, difficult year. And so it makes sense that this past Thanksgiving has followed suit.

In these strange, difficult times of mask-wearing and toilet-paper shortages and hellish political circuses, gratitude may feel hard to come by. Especially for people that may not be able to gather together with the people they normally see, or do the activities or cooking ventures that may be usual traditions of this holiday.

However, gratitude, and feeling of feeling genuine thankfulness and contentment is NOT directly correlated to what is happening around us.

Gratitude is something that exists intrinsically within us, conjured by the way we choose to think and respond to whatever it is that may happening.

In this post, I hope to shed some light on some of the less obvious reasons I feel extremely blessed this season, despite many things being far from perfect at this moment. From missing people at our thanksgiving table, to a chaotic return to the classroom, and to bumps and blocks in my recovery, 2020 has been A YEAR.

However, just like the darkest of clouds, it is from these very circumstances that I have found reasons to feel grateful. For all I have, all I’ve done, and for all the future holds.

Starting off with this AMAZING tofu turkey. Usually love to cook one myself, but due to covid, we purchased one instead. Turns out I feel pretty grateful to have spent less time in the kitchen this Thanksgiving too.

Thanksgiving 2020— The Silver Linings

Tofurkey from Green Earth Cafe on the Danforth— and Jaeda looking at it enviously.

This Thanksgiving. I was lucky enough that I was able to come home to spend the weekend with my family.  I was lucky I had the foresight to book a covid test weeks earlier, and was fortunate enough to receive my results the Friday evening before coming home.

I am also blessed that the school where I have been working has had zero cases since opening, and every one of my students who have been away with symptoms have come back with confirmed negative results.

I am also extremely lucky that my family has been doing their part to isolate and social distance so that it would be safe for me to come home, and also safe for me to return back downtown to my roommates and to my students.  

Apple Crumble Pie

That being said, coming home wasn’t the same as it usually is for thanksgiving. We were not preparing a dinner for aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins, setting the table for up to twenty.

This year it was just immediate family, my brothers’ partner and my aunt with whom we have been longtime been  podded up.

We wore masks as we served ourselves, two people at a time, and  ate our meal outside, making use of space heaters and blankets. 

I also did none of the cooking this year, being potentially the biggest risk at our gathering.  I made a couple pies when the kitchen was empty, but the rest of the meal was quite literally out of my hands., 

Pumpkin Pie Oh My Oh My

In these moments, I realize how where I am now is very different from where I was several years ago.  There was a time that I was so terrified of giving up control over my food I would have fought tooth and nail to prepare every bit of that dinner that I was going to eat, from the way the squash to the salad dressing to how the bread was sliced (diagonally). Back then, to be essentially locked out of the kitchen for the entire day of preparation would have been torturous.  

This thanksgiving, while I did miss cooking, and the ritual of bumping elbows with my family in the process, it was not charged with underlying fear or anxiety.  For the most part— I still hoped that the brussel sprouts would be tossed with garlic and lemon, and that the squash spiced with coriander and cardamom, but I still knew that regardless of how it was prepared, I could eat it and enjoy it.  

I will NOT pretend that my eating disorder was a distant memory this Thanksgiving. There is something about holidays that still brings out some of the habits and thought patterns that I have been so long trying to rewire.

It’s being surrounded by so much food, at a holiday where everything is so centered around food, and that food being the kind that I was for so long terrified to eat, that I still find myself being a little more on edge than I would typically be. 

I still ate and joined in and had a great time with my family. I ate more than sat comfortably, and still somehow made room for dessert.  But that fullness also triggered the all too familiar guilt and anxiety I used to feel every time I ate back in my disorder.  

I had thoughts leading up to dinner that I needed to exercise before I could eat.  I had thoughts afterwards that I would need to restrict the next day and go for a run in the morning, even though I have NOT gone for a morning run in close to  a year.  

The difference was that I had the thoughts, but that is largely all they were. Thoughts.  Because along with these old thoughts, I had new ones. 

Thoughts that this was thanksgiving, and its pretty freakin’ normal to eat more than usual.  That this was one meal, one weekend, and I care more about being present with my family than working off the calories in a glass of wine. 

Thanksgiving Sunday hike in Milne Conservation Area

And that kept me at the table, curled under blankets nursing a food baby under echoes of laughter instead of dashing out for a walk the moment dessert was served.

And no, I didn’t go for a run the next morning.  I lazed around, drinking coffee until I eventually felt ready to eat again, and then went for a lovely, leisurely walk amid some beautiful fall foliage with my mother.  

After years of thinking in black and white, right or wrong, good or bad, yes or no, I am learning the nuances of the in-between. I am striving for balance. 

No, this weekend was NOT perfect.  Not in how Covid interrupted our regularly scheduled programming, nor in my recovery.   But it was a perfectly good weekend.

  It showed me the places I’ve been, the ways in which I have grown, and the areas where I still have a little more work to do.   And for all that,  I am beyond grateful.  

Beautiful way to spend Thanksgiving Sunday. No running required.

 Things I am Grateful For Right Here, Right Now:

1. For my family being healthy and together

2. For the roommates that have made our house feel like a home, both new and old 

3. For local vegan restaurants that make excellent tofurkey

4. For returning to my pole studio even if it was just for a few short weeks

5. For having a class of thirty kindergarteners who can all put a smile on my face

6. For every negative covid test that has come back at my school

7. For adult colouring books

8. For second dates

9. For the big little bit of nature in my city backyard 

10. For the patience of my family and putting up with me at every phase and stage of my recovery 

11. For crisp red leaves and blue october skies

12. For crunchy honey crisp apples and pumpkin spice oatmeal

In this week after Thanksgiving, what are you grateful for? How has this year challenged you? And how have you grown because of it?

Grateful for all of you reading this right now<3

-Jordan xox

Dating at 2 Metres Apart (Finding Connection Without Getting Close)

Im seeing this guy right now.  If it was different circumstances, I might even consider it a relationship.  However, attempting to establish a connection with someone new while also adhering to social distance guidelines has turned something already as complicated and frustrating as dating into a whole new beast.

Back in March, when this pandemic was just taking off the ground, I basically deleted all the dating apps on my phone.  There was no room in my mind to think about dating or making new connections when getting groceries and securing toilet paper was already anxiety-inducing.

For two months I saw no one outside of my family who lived with me, and the occasional friend at a distance. There were no parties or dance floors or groups of people mingling in parks. Even passing people at the store or on the street assumed a new kind of etiquette, a closed-mouth smile, with minimal words being very conscious of spit particles of contagion. I didn’t realize how much I craved those spontaneous interactions and encounters with other humans outside of my own circle.

Seeing only the same few faces all the time, my world started feeling uncomfortably small and uneventful, and my own existence so lonely and disconnected, that I found myself swiping. 

At first, I didn’t even have any real intention of meeting any of the guys that messaged me.  I was just looking to see that there were others and experiences that existed beyond my own small suburban radius of activity. I heard some people had started doing dates over zoom or video calling, but I find it hard enough engaging with people I know through that medium, let alone a relative stranger.  

I swiped left— a lot. But I was surprised when I found myself swiping right on several occasions.  A couple conversations felt real and compelling enough that I felt willing to meet, while keeping a two meter distance apart. 

By that time, I had already expanded my own social activities to including meeting up with a handful of friends at parks, or for a social distance walk or hike, and so I simply applied the same guidelines to my “match” meet-ups:  two meters apart, no sharing food or drinks, stay outside, in uncrowded places. 

The reality of social distanced dating does not quite fit so neatly in a sentence. So here is my list of tips and tricks for dating during Covid-19.

Dating During Quarantine: Tips and Lessons

1. People have different ideas about social distancing, and how to do it. If you’re concerned for yourself or members of your household, it helps to be upfront with what you’re comfortable with before the actual meet up. Walking into a date where you committed to a two metre rule, only to find yourself dodging an unsolicited hug upon arrival sets in some unwanted friction before you even get to hello. It’s much easier to convey your expectations and code of conduct while texting the location of where to meet— not after a moment of awkward miscommunication.

2. The less interested you are in a guy, the easier you will find it to stay socially distanced. If twenty minutes into a date you realize you never necessarily need to see that person again, you will likely not be fighting urges to jump in their arms, or even hug goodbye. And you won’t be overly worries about how your own safety guidelines might be coming off as “rude” or “standoffish.”

3. The more connected or attracted you feel, the more likely you will find yourself tempted to break your own rules.

    Buyer beware. If you’re falling head over heels for the person you are seeing, it may be more difficult to follow through on your initial plan of action (or inaction). Here is where this pandemic  takes on the role of villain or antagonist in what may seem to be the seedling of a romantic tragedy.  After a few weeks of “social distance” dates with a guy I was falling for quite heavily, I found myself scribing descriptions of our ill-fated romance in my head: a love stronger than a virus. or worth the risk: a corona connection.  There was a few weeks that I was walking a very fine line to throwing all of my social distance rules out the window.  If I hadn’t been living at home at the time with my 60 year old parents, 84 year old grandfather, and hypochondriac sister, I probably would have.  However, I did have the rationality to let the respect for the health of my family preside over what I now recognize to be something more like puppy love.

4. Dating at 2 metres apart brings a whole new realm of awkwardness and insecurity.

   The first date its early enough to settle in to the no contact rule.  However, if you like each other, and continue meeting up, keeping distance becomes a gateway for other anxieties.  You’ve already covered all the basics about each other in conversation, work, family, pets, hobbies, current events, etc. and have probably shared some stories about travelling or your dog or the dumb thing your colleague did. In a covid-free world, this is the point where touching would just start to come naturally: sitting close on the same side of a table, holding hands walking on the street, a hug hello, and maybe a kiss good night. The “seeing each other” stage during social distancing involves a lot more talking.  So much more that it had me questioning my initial attraction, frustration that I was not able to act on it when I wanted to, and doubt and confusion about what the hell we were doing here anyways?

Dating Apps During Quarantine

I used to use dating apps mostly for physical connection-- I wanted to feel wanted.  This pandemic has obliterated that physical aspect, leaving us to rely upon little else than our feelings and emotions, and our thoughts and words as foundations of that connection.

Its strange, and often infuriating. It feels unfair that something as innocent as hug or a kiss is practically illegal. 

However, it is not completely a bad thing.

The Silver-Lining

I’ve dated people before for longer than I should have, mistaking the physical connection for real substance or potential.  Guys that were quick to hold my hand, greet me with a hug and a kiss, made me feel wanted, and I liked that feeling so much I didn’t always realize I liked the person significantly less. Yeah, a few weeks of long conversations and waved goodbyes denies the opportunity for testing out the waters of physical attraction.

And I’m not referring to sex here. Simply the small acts of touch, from holding hands, sitting close together, an arm around a shoulder, a hand on a knee. Little things, that can send a little zing through you if that attraction is there.  And if there’s no zing, that’s all the information you need.  

However, sometimes, you don’t recognize that zing of attraction until that first touch, whether it be a hug or a kiss or a hand on your shoulder.  And that is where the two metres apart rule makes it tricky.  You can get along super well, talk for hours on end, and think maybe, maybe, you’re attracted to that person, but unsure at a distance that feels so close yet so far. 

So how do you deal with it? 

I’m figuring that out myself, slowly. The answer is NOT to say “fuck it all,” throw caution to the wind, and fling your arms around them proclaiming the strength and power of love.  That’s called being an irresponsible human, especially if you live with anyone in the vulnerable population (ie. your parents over 50).  

It also is NOT giving up on dating, and professing your vows of singledom until the end of the pandemic (unless that is exactly what you feel you need- all the power to you). 

I suppose the answer is to keep treading forward, slowly, one day and one week at a time. 

Keep meeting for those social distance walks or park dates.  Have those three hour conversations.  If you find yourselves running out of things to talk about after 4 or 5 dates, what will your conversation be like 5 months or even 5 years from now in a long-term relationship?   That might be a sign that you are not fated for one another, and its probably a good thing you did not move faster any sooner. 

However, if several dates and weeks in you only find yourself more attracted and connected to a person, you can start having discussions about how to move forward together.  Maybe it is each person getting tested, and if both negative, including that person in your pod of less than ten (the current Ontario regulation).  Or if the sizes of your pods are pushing it already,  pack up on a camping trip together or a cottage stay, making a plan to get tested and isolate until each of your results come back to protect your loved ones.  

In the meantime, you’ll be building a rock solid personal connection, making the next steps all that more exciting.  

And if you are getting more frustrated than excited by the prospect of dating -- or the prospects themselves-- this is also a good time to dedicate your energy to simply your own growth and endeavors.  Just like some of the best workouts follow a good week or two of rest, some time away from dating can be just the thing to reset and renew your own mental and emotional well-being.  

In a nutshell, you do you.  Don’t speed ahead only to regret it later. Be here, now, and be picky about who you want to spend this present with.  

To my single pringles out there, how are you navigating dating right now?

And to my happily involved friends, how is your relationship affected by social distancing?

Keep seeking the sunshine,

Jordan xoxo

Alone Together: Staying Connected in Isolation

A screenshot of a much needed Zoom hangout with friends.

A lot of us are feeling a little lonely these days. Implemented regulations and measures for social distancing and self-isolation are confining us to our homes, with our handful of roommates or family members, or partner, or just ourselves.

We are innately social creatures, who thrive with the company and connection to other beings. Even the most extreme introvert, who cherishes "alone-time,” still craves the presence of others (in smaller doses).

People on every part of the spectrum of personality can experience loneliness— especially in a time like this, in the midst of global pandemic which we do not know for how long, or how severely, will persist.

Even if we are isolating with someone, it does not make up for the countless other interactions that used to fill our lives with a sense of connection and community: lunch break gossiping with your coworkers, a Friday night staying out too late with your friends, the first date with that person you matched with on hinge, or even the morning banter with the barista who made you your latte. 

I miss baristas and morning coffee runs.

In each of these exchanges, we experience a shift in our mentality and our projection of who we are, stepping out of our inner space of internal thoughts and criticisms, and assuming the version of ourselves that engages and interacts with others. 

Neither version less true.  Both are essential to who we are, and shape how we feel about ourselves and where we belong in the world.

I have found myself feeling immensely lighter and happier after social interactions.  It’s a blissful escape, a much needed exhale, from the busy and often negative thoughts of my mind.  I am much more relaxed, easy, and free spirited in the company of others.  I surprise myself with my own sense of humour and zany observations. 

It’s really only been since starting this isolation, and spending so much time on my own that I’ve noticed the contrast between these versions of myself. 

On my own, even in the presence of my family, my thoughts weigh heavier. Prone to overthinking and overanalyzing, I am less in the moment, and more in my head. 

And in this place, I start to judge and criticize myself, allowing anxieties and insecurities to fester.  I am even quieter around my family, mousing around with an air of pessimism and edgy indecision. It’s misery meets boredom. It’s moping.

It’s only been recently after getting off some zoom calls that I’ve noticed the stark contrast in my thoughts before and after socializing.  And I am coming to realize that what I am experiencing, despite living in a family of six, is loneliness. 

The nature of my thoughts are not very different now than they are in normal everyday life.  The difference is that when they would come up, they only lasted a few minutes, or however long it was before I was caught up in something else-and working in a room full of thirty lively five year old leaves little time to think, let alone ruminate.

I also know myself well enough to know how much being social benefits my mental health, so I always kept myself busy making plans with friends, whether it was brunch,hitting up a bar, or doing a yoga class.

Now, I do not have the luxury of any of those outlets, and the thoughts that used to be in passing can now fester for hours and even days.  

I start to forget what my redeeming qualities are, the aspects of my personality that have allowed me to make so many amazing connections and relationships over the years. 

And as this isolation drags on, I am realizing just how important it is to continue to nurture this side of my nature, even though it doesn’t feel “the same” doing it through a screen.

The truth is, this is the way of the world right now, and it’s better to embrace it, spotty wifi and all, than brace against it and wallow in loneliness.  

Zoom and Facetime are the lesser evil in an unideal situation.

Up until recently, I wasn’t making much of an effort to to join the virtual hangouts or group chats going on with my friends.  I didn’t like seeing myself as I was conversing (I still don’t).  I didn’t like peering into a small screen for hours at a time.  I didn’t like having to rearrange my camera every time I wanted to shift position. I just didn’t like how it didn’t feel the same.  I figured I would just do my own thing and wait it out until we can hang in person in the next couple weeks. 

And then a couple weeks passed…and then a month.  

And now what is more uncomfortable than zoom chats is noticing how my negative thoughts become heavier even after a day or two without that kind of connection.  

Motivating myself to go for a walk and get out of my mopey headspace.

So I’ve made a commitment to do some kind of socializing outside of my family every single day- even if I don’t really feel like it.  It doesn’t always need to be a video or Facetime chat.  Most days, its a long phone call with a friend as I go for a walk. 

However, I don’t skip out on the group zoom hangouts when they are planned.

There is still a valuable sense of togetherness there, that while isn’t the same as sharing a couch or crowded round a table, still makes me feel a little more whole. 

Seeing everyone’s face on a little square on my screen reminds me that I am not alone in feeling alone. 

We are all in this together, doing what we can to stay connected and content, and getting a little insight into who we are on our own, in the process.

Taken on one of my daily walks. Sunshine also helps.

What are you doing to fight loneliness? How are you staying connected while staying safe at home?

-xoxo

Jordan

The Parent Trap: The Challenges of Quarantining Back at Home (as an adult).

During this pandemic I have been quarantining with my family at my parents’ house in the suburbs for the past six weeks.  While I am grateful to be with family during this time, and not being completely isolated, it brews a whole other pot of challenges. The last time we were all living together under one roof for a substantial period of time was over five years ago, while we “kids” were all still in school. With each of us having spent a couple years out of the nest and in our own independent routines, now coming back together around the dinner table, sharing bathrooms, and claiming work space has caused some tension to say the least.  More than that, is the added challenge of dealing with some of my own emotional shit that seems to have resurfaced with coming back to my childhood home.

finding a quiet workspace while quarantining in a house of people is challenging.

And I know that I am not the only one. Our family, and our homes, can be a place we feel comfortable. But there is a fine line between “comfortable” and “comfort zone.” Right now, many of us are being tested by our living situations, with repercussions both on our own personal well-being, as well as on our relationships.

So let’s begin by digging in to some of the greatest challenges I’ve been facing since being back home.

Challenges about Quarantining at Home with Family:

1. Food disappears.  Those leftovers you put away last night, thinking they would be a great lunch the next day?  Well unless you’re getting up to eat them at 7 am, they’re gone. 

2. Constant dishes.  Before coming back to this house, my roommates and I used to run our dishwasher once every one or two days.  There was never a pile up of dishes because we always did our own. Now, with six adult appetites in the house and family meals, our dishwasher is going at least twice a day… and still there is a pileup in the sink.

3. Staking out workspace.  Everyone here is either working or studying from home right now, or both.  We have a big house with multiple rooms. And yet still it seems there is a constant musical chairs of who is working where based on where the best light is, if there’s people making noise in other parts of the house, or if the wifis acting up. Which bring me to the next point…

4. Wifi hogging.   Despite countless calls to our provider, our wifi always seems to be a little finicky, even before all of us were home.  These days with six of us on multiple devices, we’re finding that we need to reset the router multiple times a day. It turns out we are all enslaved to internet in isolation: whether it be working on the computer, scrolling social media, on zoom chats, watching netflix, or playing online Catan, it seems there is never a time we are NOT connected.

5. Falling back into old patterns. This is the largest challenge of all, and the most difficult to overcome. What these old patterns or habits are will very from person to person.  For my mother, it is feeling like she is responsible for feeding and cleaning up for everyone as if we were still young kids, and not full grown adults perfectly capable of feeding and caring for ourselves.  For us “kids”, it is often reverting back into that role, and not pulling the same weight around the house as we were when living independently.  

“Old Habits Die Hard”- Environmental Triggers and Wired Thought Patterns

Old patterns aren’t just in relation to family roles, but may also resurface as old neural pathways light up again, triggered by a return to a familiar environment.  The first week I was back home I started to fall into some old unhealthy habits that used to define my days when I was living at home full time, and very much in the thick of an eating disorder. But after a few days of skipping lunch, and going a little overboard on exercise, and feeling totally unbalanced (and like mental shit), I recognized what was happening and committed myself to a more sustainable routine.  It took me by surprise, because many of those thoughts and behaviours never crossed my mind living downtown. It was something about being back in the place where I was engaging in those patterns that caused them to resurface. However, the most significant change was simply awareness. Recognizing what I was doing as being counterproductive and not in line with the person I wanted to be.  

Being back in your childhood home can often bring back old patterns of behaviours- some not so healthy

For you, it could be other kinds of thoughts or behaviours that are resurfacing.  Maybe you are finding yourself less patient or picking fights or more critical of the people you are living with.  Maybe you are finding that your room or workspace is getting more cluttered or messy, looking more like it may have when you were living in it as a teenager.  Or maybe you are finding yourself sleeping in late into the morning (or afternoon) and staying up much too late without doing anything very productive.  

Whatever your old habits may be, if you find them resurfacing during this time, don’t beat yourself up over it.  Understand WHY it is happening, and commit yourself to rewire those neural pathways.

Have self-compassion, but don’t let your brain pull one over on you either.  Make the changes, little or big, that you need to, in order to keep in line with the person you want to be.  

For me, that meant making myself a schedule that had me eating breakfast within an hour of waking up each day, and then eating something every three hours to keep my brain from reverting back to that feast or famine mentality that I was operating in for most of my eating disorder.  It also meant not doing the same exercise, varying the kinds and amounts, each day, so none became compulsive. Several weeks in, it still means deliberately choosing to walk LESS than the day before, or do a restorative flow instead of a core class, just to remind my brain that we aint doing that exercise obsession thing anymore.  

Making little changes in your daily routine can make a big difference in your mental health 

So, think about your habits:

What habits are you happy with?

How might you be thinking or behaving that is NOT in line with the person that you want to be?

What tangible steps can you take to change those thoughts or behaviours?  

I am NOT talking about drastic lifestyle changes.  If you want to change sleeping in till noon and watching netflix til 3, Try setting your alarm for 10.  Schedule a zoom call or a social distance walk with a friend for 11. The next week, set your alarm for 9.  And so on.  

You are the master of your mind, and in turn, you are the master of your actions.  This time in isolation is by no means easy, whether you are isolating on your own or with family. 

You have two options: (1) You can either just cope, ride out the quarantine with your eyes closed until its over.  Or (2), you can use this place of discomfort to grow, to strengthen your character, enhance your self-awareness, and build your resilience.  

And if you commit to that overall big picture of who you want to be, how you want your relationships to be, once this is all over, you will come out of this a stronger, happier person than you were going in.  

Stay healthy, friends,

Jordan 

Xoxo

The “Quarantine Fifteen”— Gaining Weight during Isolation

If you have been on any form of social media these past couple weeks, you may have come across one of the countless posts, memes, or tweets about gaining the covid-nineteen, or the quarantine-fifteen. Essentially, these puns stem from the idea that staying home is making us fat.

Some of these posts are pure humour, outrageous memes of people “before” quarantine and “after.” Maybe they are a little crude, but harmless, and provide a good chuckle.

Other posts take this quarantine fifteen a bit more seriously.  Many influencers, fitness studios, and other health or wellness companies are perpetuating this fear of the “quarantine fifteen” to get us to subscribe to things like at-home sculpt workouts, HIIT classes, or virtual spin subscriptions.  My feed is filled with posts and videos entitled “What I eat in Isolation to not gain weight” or “Quarantine Exercise Regime.”

These individuals provide us with “health hacks”, from morning green smoothies, to water fasts, to DIY basement gyms, oh so benevolently saving us from our gluttonous, lazy selves, who would undoubtedly be lying on the couch on our third bag of chips had we not been gifted with the details of their regime.   

a screenshot of a few of the hundreds of videos on youtube about staying “healthy” while in isolation

Don’t get me wrong.  Eating healthy is important, and working out is great for your mind and body.   I’ve been doing tons of yoga and pilates and other classes with some of my favourite instructors during this isolation period, and the sense of community and connection I get from these sessions is invaluable.  

HOWEVER, the problem I have with this new rise of at-home fitness and clean eating regimes is how it is often being marketed as the antidote to not gaining weight-- and implying the loss of fitness while we are at home to be shameful.  

A couple things.  First, we are in the midst of a global pandemic.  I won’t get too morbid here, as the media is already doing a fabulous job of keeping us up with the rising death tolls across the world each day, but in a nutshell, the disease is spreading. People are sick, and people are dying.  People are dying alone, and families are grieving loved ones without being able to come together to support each other. Hospitals are running out of supplies, and there are not enough ventilators to support all the cases that come to hospital that could recover otherwise.  We are all at risk. Even going to the grocery store endangers ourselves and our families. 

Many of us are also facing other challenges, such as losing income, being unable to pay rent and other bills, or being catapulted into new roles of homeschool teacher  and/or caregiver. Not to mention, the tremendous toll on our own mental and emotional wellbeing during this scary time. 

Second, pandemic aside, is gaining weight or losing fitness really that terrible? Putting on a few extra pounds or not making any new PRs over the next few months should not be a moral sin.

The people who love you, who want you to be safe and healthy during this pandemic do not care if you can fit into your tightest pair of jeans right now. Let’s be honest, who’s actually wearing real pants these days? Your dog doesn’t care about your quad development. Your zoom chats or face-times with your friends will not be any more fun or meaningful if you ran 10 kilometres beforehand, or you are following a keto diet religiously.

Yes, staying healthy is important. Sleep is important. Eating a good and balanced diet is important. Moving your body in a way that feels good, that serves you mentally and physically, is important. None of that has to do with weight.

During this time, you need to do whatever is healthy, mentally and physically, for you.  

Just because Karen manages her mental health by running 25 kilometers every morning, refueling with a smoothie bowl, and doing back to back Zoom HIIT classes everyday, does not mean you can’t eat the cookies your sister baked.   

Meet yourself where you are at.  Get some fresh air, (while being safe and social distancing), move your body in a way that feels good, for however long or short you have.  Watch your favourite Netflix shows (Schitt’s Creek is my latest obsession), read that book (Harry Potter- any one) that’s been sitting on your nightstand for a year and a half, start that craft or hobby that you’ve been threatening to do when things “calm down”, or bake some bread (or cinnamon buns!), because God knows you have the time to wait for yeast to rise right now,

Doing a lot of knitting these days and not mad about it.

The worst thing that might happen is you put on a couple pounds.  Its not like you are training for the olympics. And even if you are, you’ve got at least a whole year to get back in competing form for when the olympics have been rescheduled in 2021.

Health is not the same as fitness. Health is not gaining or losing weight. As long as you are nourishing your mind, your body, and your emotional well-being during this isolation, the “quarantine-fifteen'“ got nothing on you.

Stay healthy, friends,

xoxo

-Jordan