Dating at 2 Metres Apart (Finding Connection Without Getting Close)
Im seeing this guy right now. If it was different circumstances, I might even consider it a relationship. However, attempting to establish a connection with someone new while also adhering to social distance guidelines has turned something already as complicated and frustrating as dating into a whole new beast.
Back in March, when this pandemic was just taking off the ground, I basically deleted all the dating apps on my phone. There was no room in my mind to think about dating or making new connections when getting groceries and securing toilet paper was already anxiety-inducing.
For two months I saw no one outside of my family who lived with me, and the occasional friend at a distance. There were no parties or dance floors or groups of people mingling in parks. Even passing people at the store or on the street assumed a new kind of etiquette, a closed-mouth smile, with minimal words being very conscious of spit particles of contagion. I didn’t realize how much I craved those spontaneous interactions and encounters with other humans outside of my own circle.
Seeing only the same few faces all the time, my world started feeling uncomfortably small and uneventful, and my own existence so lonely and disconnected, that I found myself swiping.
At first, I didn’t even have any real intention of meeting any of the guys that messaged me. I was just looking to see that there were others and experiences that existed beyond my own small suburban radius of activity. I heard some people had started doing dates over zoom or video calling, but I find it hard enough engaging with people I know through that medium, let alone a relative stranger.
I swiped left— a lot. But I was surprised when I found myself swiping right on several occasions. A couple conversations felt real and compelling enough that I felt willing to meet, while keeping a two meter distance apart.
By that time, I had already expanded my own social activities to including meeting up with a handful of friends at parks, or for a social distance walk or hike, and so I simply applied the same guidelines to my “match” meet-ups: two meters apart, no sharing food or drinks, stay outside, in uncrowded places.
The reality of social distanced dating does not quite fit so neatly in a sentence. So here is my list of tips and tricks for dating during Covid-19.
Dating During Quarantine: Tips and Lessons
People have different ideas about social distancing, and how to do it. If you’re concerned for yourself or members of your household, it helps to be upfront with what you’re comfortable with before the actual meet up. Walking into a date where you committed to a two metre rule, only to find yourself dodging an unsolicited hug upon arrival sets in some unwanted friction before you even get to hello. It’s much easier to convey your expectations and code of conduct while texting the location of where to meet— not after a moment of awkward miscommunication.
The less interested you are in a guy, the easier you will find it to stay socially distanced. If twenty minutes into a date you realize you never necessarily need to see that person again, you will likely not be fighting urges to jump in their arms, or even hug goodbye. And you won’t be overly worries about how your own safety guidelines might be coming off as “rude” or “standoffish.”
The more connected or attracted you feel, the more likely you will find yourself tempted to break your own rules.
Buyer beware. If you’re falling head over heels for the person you are seeing, it may be more difficult to follow through on your initial plan of action (or inaction). Here is where this pandemic takes on the role of villain or antagonist in what may seem to be the seedling of a romantic tragedy. After a few weeks of “social distance” dates with a guy I was falling for quite heavily, I found myself scribing descriptions of our ill-fated romance in my head: a love stronger than a virus. or worth the risk: a corona connection. There was a few weeks that I was walking a very fine line to throwing all of my social distance rules out the window. If I hadn’t been living at home at the time with my 60 year old parents, 84 year old grandfather, and hypochondriac sister, I probably would have. However, I did have the rationality to let the respect for the health of my family preside over what I now recognize to be something more like puppy love.
Dating at 2 metres apart brings a whole new realm of awkwardness and insecurity.
The first date its early enough to settle in to the no contact rule. However, if you like each other, and continue meeting up, keeping distance becomes a gateway for other anxieties. You’ve already covered all the basics about each other in conversation, work, family, pets, hobbies, current events, etc. and have probably shared some stories about travelling or your dog or the dumb thing your colleague did. In a covid-free world, this is the point where touching would just start to come naturally: sitting close on the same side of a table, holding hands walking on the street, a hug hello, and maybe a kiss good night. The “seeing each other” stage during social distancing involves a lot more talking. So much more that it had me questioning my initial attraction, frustration that I was not able to act on it when I wanted to, and doubt and confusion about what the hell we were doing here anyways?
Dating Apps During Quarantine
I used to use dating apps mostly for physical connection-- I wanted to feel wanted. This pandemic has obliterated that physical aspect, leaving us to rely upon little else than our feelings and emotions, and our thoughts and words as foundations of that connection.
Its strange, and often infuriating. It feels unfair that something as innocent as hug or a kiss is practically illegal.
However, it is not completely a bad thing.
The Silver-Lining
I’ve dated people before for longer than I should have, mistaking the physical connection for real substance or potential. Guys that were quick to hold my hand, greet me with a hug and a kiss, made me feel wanted, and I liked that feeling so much I didn’t always realize I liked the person significantly less. Yeah, a few weeks of long conversations and waved goodbyes denies the opportunity for testing out the waters of physical attraction.
And I’m not referring to sex here. Simply the small acts of touch, from holding hands, sitting close together, an arm around a shoulder, a hand on a knee. Little things, that can send a little zing through you if that attraction is there. And if there’s no zing, that’s all the information you need.
However, sometimes, you don’t recognize that zing of attraction until that first touch, whether it be a hug or a kiss or a hand on your shoulder. And that is where the two metres apart rule makes it tricky. You can get along super well, talk for hours on end, and think maybe, maybe, you’re attracted to that person, but unsure at a distance that feels so close yet so far.
So how do you deal with it?
I’m figuring that out myself, slowly. The answer is NOT to say “fuck it all,” throw caution to the wind, and fling your arms around them proclaiming the strength and power of love. That’s called being an irresponsible human, especially if you live with anyone in the vulnerable population (ie. your parents over 50).
It also is NOT giving up on dating, and professing your vows of singledom until the end of the pandemic (unless that is exactly what you feel you need- all the power to you).
I suppose the answer is to keep treading forward, slowly, one day and one week at a time.
Keep meeting for those social distance walks or park dates. Have those three hour conversations. If you find yourselves running out of things to talk about after 4 or 5 dates, what will your conversation be like 5 months or even 5 years from now in a long-term relationship? That might be a sign that you are not fated for one another, and its probably a good thing you did not move faster any sooner.
However, if several dates and weeks in you only find yourself more attracted and connected to a person, you can start having discussions about how to move forward together. Maybe it is each person getting tested, and if both negative, including that person in your pod of less than ten (the current Ontario regulation). Or if the sizes of your pods are pushing it already, pack up on a camping trip together or a cottage stay, making a plan to get tested and isolate until each of your results come back to protect your loved ones.
In the meantime, you’ll be building a rock solid personal connection, making the next steps all that more exciting.
And if you are getting more frustrated than excited by the prospect of dating -- or the prospects themselves-- this is also a good time to dedicate your energy to simply your own growth and endeavors. Just like some of the best workouts follow a good week or two of rest, some time away from dating can be just the thing to reset and renew your own mental and emotional well-being.
In a nutshell, you do you. Don’t speed ahead only to regret it later. Be here, now, and be picky about who you want to spend this present with.
To my single pringles out there, how are you navigating dating right now?
And to my happily involved friends, how is your relationship affected by social distancing?
Keep seeking the sunshine,
Jordan xoxo