Growing versus Growing Up (Thoughts after 27 Years around the Sun)
This week I turned 27. It’s not a big milestone birthday, but in that way it almost feels more weighted. 27 is significant in how seamlessly I now classify as someone in their “late twenties.” There is little novelty and pomp around this birthday, the way it was around 21 or 25. Turning 27, I am not old by any means, but I am no longer “new” to adulthood. I am all grown up.
Except not really.
In a lot of ways, I feel brand new to this adult existence.
In terms of the place I am at and what I have accomplished so far in life, I am still young. I have friends who are the same age and yet not young in the same way, settled with partners sharing bedrooms, lives, mortgages, and even families. Friends with jobs that have benefits and yearly incomes, who talk about market prices in the city vs. the surrounding areas, and go furniture shopping not out of necessity but by choice.
It’s not that I feel unaccomplished or wish I was at that point in my life. If anything, I wish that I could remain in the fresh-out-of-school, finding-yourself-stage for a little while longer. I feel like I’m not done with my days of being untethered.
And I don’t mean in terms of relationships. I mean untethered to a single path or direction or vision of my life and way it is being shaped.
I got off to a late start in my adult life.
I spent the majority of my teens and early twenties with an eating disorder, which caused me to miss out on the kinds of connections and memories that can only come from spontaneous nights out that end drunk ordering pizza to someone’s apartment. And then entering recovery, I essentially surrendered my independence to my family and treatment team in order to get better.
So while all my friends were moving out and starting careers, I was on temporary leave, living in my childhood bedroom, on a strict recovery meal plan enforced and implemented by my parents. While other 24 year olds were updating their CVs and planning travel adventures, I was completing a daily meal log to be reviewed and approved by my therapist and dietician.
After two years of family-based treatment, I was finally healthy enough to step into my independence and grow into the next chapter of my life. So at 25, I moved out of my parents’ house for the first time and landed myself in a house full of roommates. I was doing things for the first time on my own, like shopping and paying for groceries, making rent each month, and washing my sheets. It was a learning curve, and a little unnerving.
I felt like an 18-year old off to my first year of college. Instead I was 25, with a new teaching contract with the Toronto school board, a masters degree, and a meal log.
I am only now at 27 starting to feel like I have found a bit of a rhythm in this adultness of life. I no longer go into whirls of anxiety over grocery shopping, or the idea of budgeting for household items like paper towel and toilet paper.
I pay my rent each month automatically a day before its due, and I recently took on my own phone bill too (thanks dad). I like coming home to my house of four roommates, flopping onto the couch with a glass of wine and lamenting about that guy I liked who turned out to be an asshole. I like having a contract teaching a certain grade at a certain school, with a definite start and end, because I like the idea that there is something different that comes after.
I still follow DJs and entertainment groups on instagram, because I am still holding out for another summer of music festivals and events, which I only got to taste in my eating disorder, and put on hold in my recovery.
Now I want to sink my teeth in.
However, I also feel the pull of solid ground beneath my feet, to find one centre of gravity. I’ve spent years floating, orbiting erratically, attached to many things but never something solid enough to keep me flying.
And this groundedness will NOT come from chasing highs at music festivals, a new fitness goal, or a living arrangement.
This groundedness will be found when I surrender to the process of accepting myself as I am, where I am, and where I am going.
I am 27. I am no lo longer a little girl, an angsty teen or a university student still “figuring it out.” I am a woman, strong and independent, who has been through enough of life to know what is worth pursuing and what to let go of in that greater pursuit.
I don’t need to force myself into a mold, or meet a certain deadline.
I don’t need to manipulate my body to look a certain way. Equating beauty to worth is unsustainable happiness. For even if I managed to get my body close to the standard I may have in my head, it will only be a short matter of time before gravity and the the sun take their toll and kick off the natural aging process that our society demonizes. And so, at 27, I am grateful for the health and youth of my body as it is right now.
I will live this year and the ones going forward without restricting myself in any way.
I am shifting the narrative-- rather than making my body my masterpiece, I will focus on making my life my masterpiece instead. My body is simply the instrument that will get me there.
A few years ago, I had no vision or understanding of my life beyond the moment I was in. Each day felt like a mountain I needed to scale, and it felt impossible to picture anything realistic beyond that. But now, the path I am travelling is infinitely less steep. I can see a little further ahead of me, and I can start to map it out a little.
I don’t need to pin down the exact route, or even specific destination, but I can at least choose a direction, and commit to the journey to get there.
I do not have any big concrete goals for this year, especially with all the external uncertainty at present (thanks covid!).
I am not expecting a permanent teaching job to come within my grasp, I am not planning some extravagant travel adventure, or even changing my relationship status.
I am not opposed to any of these things happening this year, but if they don’t, I will NOT feel like I’ve failed in any way.
Rather than make goals for the year, I am shifting my focus to the way I live every day. If I can go to bed every night feeling like I did the best I could to make the most of each moment that day, I’ll be making this year a smashing success. It’s the little steps, NOT the big leaps, to which I’m devoting my attention.
Ultimately, my goal for 27 is to make every day count.
I’m living for the journey, relishing the good parts of everyday, not postponing celebration for some elusive destination.
Dating at 2 Metres Apart (Finding Connection Without Getting Close)
Im seeing this guy right now. If it was different circumstances, I might even consider it a relationship. However, attempting to establish a connection with someone new while also adhering to social distance guidelines has turned something already as complicated and frustrating as dating into a whole new beast.
Back in March, when this pandemic was just taking off the ground, I basically deleted all the dating apps on my phone. There was no room in my mind to think about dating or making new connections when getting groceries and securing toilet paper was already anxiety-inducing.
For two months I saw no one outside of my family who lived with me, and the occasional friend at a distance. There were no parties or dance floors or groups of people mingling in parks. Even passing people at the store or on the street assumed a new kind of etiquette, a closed-mouth smile, with minimal words being very conscious of spit particles of contagion. I didn’t realize how much I craved those spontaneous interactions and encounters with other humans outside of my own circle.
Seeing only the same few faces all the time, my world started feeling uncomfortably small and uneventful, and my own existence so lonely and disconnected, that I found myself swiping.
At first, I didn’t even have any real intention of meeting any of the guys that messaged me. I was just looking to see that there were others and experiences that existed beyond my own small suburban radius of activity. I heard some people had started doing dates over zoom or video calling, but I find it hard enough engaging with people I know through that medium, let alone a relative stranger.
I swiped left— a lot. But I was surprised when I found myself swiping right on several occasions. A couple conversations felt real and compelling enough that I felt willing to meet, while keeping a two meter distance apart.
By that time, I had already expanded my own social activities to including meeting up with a handful of friends at parks, or for a social distance walk or hike, and so I simply applied the same guidelines to my “match” meet-ups: two meters apart, no sharing food or drinks, stay outside, in uncrowded places.
The reality of social distanced dating does not quite fit so neatly in a sentence. So here is my list of tips and tricks for dating during Covid-19.
Dating During Quarantine: Tips and Lessons
People have different ideas about social distancing, and how to do it. If you’re concerned for yourself or members of your household, it helps to be upfront with what you’re comfortable with before the actual meet up. Walking into a date where you committed to a two metre rule, only to find yourself dodging an unsolicited hug upon arrival sets in some unwanted friction before you even get to hello. It’s much easier to convey your expectations and code of conduct while texting the location of where to meet— not after a moment of awkward miscommunication.
The less interested you are in a guy, the easier you will find it to stay socially distanced. If twenty minutes into a date you realize you never necessarily need to see that person again, you will likely not be fighting urges to jump in their arms, or even hug goodbye. And you won’t be overly worries about how your own safety guidelines might be coming off as “rude” or “standoffish.”
The more connected or attracted you feel, the more likely you will find yourself tempted to break your own rules.
Buyer beware. If you’re falling head over heels for the person you are seeing, it may be more difficult to follow through on your initial plan of action (or inaction). Here is where this pandemic takes on the role of villain or antagonist in what may seem to be the seedling of a romantic tragedy. After a few weeks of “social distance” dates with a guy I was falling for quite heavily, I found myself scribing descriptions of our ill-fated romance in my head: a love stronger than a virus. or worth the risk: a corona connection. There was a few weeks that I was walking a very fine line to throwing all of my social distance rules out the window. If I hadn’t been living at home at the time with my 60 year old parents, 84 year old grandfather, and hypochondriac sister, I probably would have. However, I did have the rationality to let the respect for the health of my family preside over what I now recognize to be something more like puppy love.
Dating at 2 metres apart brings a whole new realm of awkwardness and insecurity.
The first date its early enough to settle in to the no contact rule. However, if you like each other, and continue meeting up, keeping distance becomes a gateway for other anxieties. You’ve already covered all the basics about each other in conversation, work, family, pets, hobbies, current events, etc. and have probably shared some stories about travelling or your dog or the dumb thing your colleague did. In a covid-free world, this is the point where touching would just start to come naturally: sitting close on the same side of a table, holding hands walking on the street, a hug hello, and maybe a kiss good night. The “seeing each other” stage during social distancing involves a lot more talking. So much more that it had me questioning my initial attraction, frustration that I was not able to act on it when I wanted to, and doubt and confusion about what the hell we were doing here anyways?
Dating Apps During Quarantine
I used to use dating apps mostly for physical connection-- I wanted to feel wanted. This pandemic has obliterated that physical aspect, leaving us to rely upon little else than our feelings and emotions, and our thoughts and words as foundations of that connection.
Its strange, and often infuriating. It feels unfair that something as innocent as hug or a kiss is practically illegal.
However, it is not completely a bad thing.
The Silver-Lining
I’ve dated people before for longer than I should have, mistaking the physical connection for real substance or potential. Guys that were quick to hold my hand, greet me with a hug and a kiss, made me feel wanted, and I liked that feeling so much I didn’t always realize I liked the person significantly less. Yeah, a few weeks of long conversations and waved goodbyes denies the opportunity for testing out the waters of physical attraction.
And I’m not referring to sex here. Simply the small acts of touch, from holding hands, sitting close together, an arm around a shoulder, a hand on a knee. Little things, that can send a little zing through you if that attraction is there. And if there’s no zing, that’s all the information you need.
However, sometimes, you don’t recognize that zing of attraction until that first touch, whether it be a hug or a kiss or a hand on your shoulder. And that is where the two metres apart rule makes it tricky. You can get along super well, talk for hours on end, and think maybe, maybe, you’re attracted to that person, but unsure at a distance that feels so close yet so far.
So how do you deal with it?
I’m figuring that out myself, slowly. The answer is NOT to say “fuck it all,” throw caution to the wind, and fling your arms around them proclaiming the strength and power of love. That’s called being an irresponsible human, especially if you live with anyone in the vulnerable population (ie. your parents over 50).
It also is NOT giving up on dating, and professing your vows of singledom until the end of the pandemic (unless that is exactly what you feel you need- all the power to you).
I suppose the answer is to keep treading forward, slowly, one day and one week at a time.
Keep meeting for those social distance walks or park dates. Have those three hour conversations. If you find yourselves running out of things to talk about after 4 or 5 dates, what will your conversation be like 5 months or even 5 years from now in a long-term relationship? That might be a sign that you are not fated for one another, and its probably a good thing you did not move faster any sooner.
However, if several dates and weeks in you only find yourself more attracted and connected to a person, you can start having discussions about how to move forward together. Maybe it is each person getting tested, and if both negative, including that person in your pod of less than ten (the current Ontario regulation). Or if the sizes of your pods are pushing it already, pack up on a camping trip together or a cottage stay, making a plan to get tested and isolate until each of your results come back to protect your loved ones.
In the meantime, you’ll be building a rock solid personal connection, making the next steps all that more exciting.
And if you are getting more frustrated than excited by the prospect of dating -- or the prospects themselves-- this is also a good time to dedicate your energy to simply your own growth and endeavors. Just like some of the best workouts follow a good week or two of rest, some time away from dating can be just the thing to reset and renew your own mental and emotional well-being.
In a nutshell, you do you. Don’t speed ahead only to regret it later. Be here, now, and be picky about who you want to spend this present with.
To my single pringles out there, how are you navigating dating right now?
And to my happily involved friends, how is your relationship affected by social distancing?
Keep seeking the sunshine,
Jordan xoxo
A Healthy Relationship with Exercise? (It’s More than How You Move- It’s How You Feel)
Too much of anything may not be good for you. Even yoga.
Exercise is healthy. It’s hard to argue otherwise.
The measurable and well-studied benefits of regular exercise are many: strengthening our bones, improving our cardiovascular systems, increasing our muscular strength and endurance, reducing risks of cancer, stroke, and other diseases, boosting our immune systems, and alleviating mental stress and anxiety.
If exercise is so darn good for you, the more the better, right?
Not quite. Just like many things in life, there comes a point when too much takes a negative toll on a person, on the body as well as the mind.
That is why exercise is so much more than the types and amount of movement that you do.
A healthy relationship to exercise is largely determined by your mindset towards it, and in turn, your relationship to your physical body, and ultimately, to yourself.
When Exercise Becomes an Addiction
I am somebody who for a longtime did NOT have a healthy relationship with exercise. I was fit, and athletic, and often praised for my discipline and the physique it got me.
However, I did not exercise from a place of joy or pure desire to move— I exercised to appease the voices in my head, to punish myself, to compensate or negate calories, to meet a time or distance or other number goal, or even to just match the movement I had done the previous day. Exercise was compulsive, obsessive, or excessive, and sometimes all of these at once.
Movement should be enjoyable and intuitive. And coming at it from a place of self-loathing and shame made that relationship impossible.
For the many years I was anorexic, exercise was my purge. I didn’t throw up, but I ran until I felt like I would. I had just as many rules around burning calories as I had around consuming them. A day off the gym or a workout cut ten minutes early erupted in unrelenting anxiety and guilt that would only ebb after overcompensating with my exercise the next day. Fasted cardio was my drug of choice. It was an adrenaline high, that I for so long mistook for enjoyment. Now I realize it was simply my cortisol sky-rocketing, since I had no other energy form to power me through those workouts.
After years of unhealthy, obsessive exercise, and a break from exercise altogether, I can now truly say that never again do I want to wake up feeling chained to any “should” or “must” or “have-to” or other arbitrary rule.
I am in no way against exercise. And for most people, of course exercise is important for health. I genuinely love being active— not chained-to-an-eliptical-active- but active as in moving my body in ways that feel intuitive and respectful of its strengths and its limits.
These past few months, yoga, and other forms of movement have become very much part of my morning routine. I was loving it, starting the day a little bit sweaty and a little more fluid, and I was thriving. Wake up, make a cup of tea, write in my journal, meditate, and then ease into a sweet and slow flow to my very eclectic yoga playlist. Then I would lie on my mat or the grass or wherever I was in shavasana-bliss for however long before ambling into the kitchen for breakfast. It was great. Until it wasn’t.
Resetting my Relationship with Exercise
It was a few weeks ago I suppose that I started to notice an odd, uncomfortably familiar feeling of anxiety upon waking up. I would lie in bed, feeling slightly paralyzed by a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. It was hard to get up. I would feel guilty staying in bed, lazing this early part of the day away, but I also didn’t want to do the thing that my brain was now telling me that I had no choice but to do— yoga.
You may snort at this. Y-o-g-a. The most gentle, healing, restorative, spiritual, safe form of movement there supposedly is. And yet here I was, feeling the same compulsive anxiety towards yoga that I used to feel before fasted HIIT cardio. Just leave it to anyone with a history of anorexia to turn yoga into an exercise obsession. I have nothing against yoga or hiit cardio for that matter. But I do take issue with doing any form of movement from a place of fear or inadequacy.
I don’t think it is ever a good thing to drag yourself to do any form of exercise for the sake of avoiding the anxiety or negative feelings that will come from not doing it. And I know this is very counter- intuitive for a lot of people.
In fitness and athletic culture, the mantra is often that there is “no such thing as doing too much.” Fitspo accounts are filled with posts and messages like “Go Big or Go Home”, “the only bad workout is the one you didn’t do”, and “push until it breaks you.” The prevalence and pervasiveness of these messages has effectively normalized their extremeness.
We start to believe that in order for exercise to “count”, we need to be begging for mercy by the end of it. And realistically, what human being would wake up every day genuinely looking forward to that? And yet, many of us continue to commit to gruelling fitness regimes and daily workouts when we have no desire to do so other than to get it done.
Even you reading this right now might be wondering why anyone would bother exercising if they only did it when they “felt like it.” I thought the same way. After years of pushing myself, never ending a run until a certain number of kilometers or ending a workout until I had burned a certain number of calories, exercising through injury, in extreme heat, in pouring rain, rescheduling and cancelling on friends and events to not miss a workout, I thought there was no other way to think.
None of it felt good. Exercise never felt good. But not doing it, missing that workout, felt unbearable.
Finding Balance
Its taken me a long time to get where I am now with my relationship to exercise.
Jaeda is very intuitive with her rest days.
It took giving up running when I started recovery, and only beginning to test out running again now, three years later.
It took cancelling gym memberships, and attending yoga classes, and going for walks with other people so that I wasn’t tempted to run while on them.
It took deleting step-count apps and calorie counters, and walking away from conversations that made me feel triggered about my “break” from exercise and loss of identity as a runner.
It’s taken a lot of trial and error since then as well.
On many occasions, I’ve convinced myself I’ve had long enough a break, and I was ready to start adding in more exercise. I’d try going for a couple runs, do a workout at a hotel gym, get a yoga membership, only to be sucked back in and feeling chained to whatever form of movement I was experimenting with.
Slowly, the compulsiveness has lessened. I can do occasional yoga and other movement classes now without feeling like I need to sign my life away with a membership. I can go for a long walk and spontaneously have it turn into a run without (usually) feeling like I need to run it the next day.
This year, I found my way to pole, a passion that had allowed me to develop a new relationship towards movement and my body, working towards goals that have nothing to do with numbers or aesthetics, but requiring strength and flexibility.
I haven’t been able to do it since the studios across the province closed back in March, and I’ve been missing it like crazy.
However, being forced to take this time off has allowed me to see all the ways in which my mindset has shifted, as well as some of the places where I still have some thoughts to rewire.
Especially this past month, and the stuckness I was feeling with the whole morning yoga habit.
I’ve made great strides, and I am proud of how far I have come. But I am aware that I still have a tendency (and likely always will to some degree) to fall into patterns of obsession and compulsion when it comes to exercise.
However, what I have learned in these years of recovery is the ability to recognize and identify these patterns before they take over.
I love yoga. I want to be able to get out of bed every morning, jump onto my mat, and do a vigorous vinyasa practice if that’s what I feel like.
I want to be able to go for a long sweaty run in the evening to my favourite playlist.
I want to join my friends in trying out a new bootcamp class or do a tough mudder or group triathlon.
But I also want to be able to wake up, roll out of bed, and do whatever I feel like that is NOT exercise. Or have my morning movement be a walk to the park barefoot with my dog instead of pounding the pavement with my runners.
I want to have the choice. I want the freedom to move. I want exercise to be a want and NEVER a should.
Forest walks are a great way of getting out of your head and into your body— intuitive movement at its finest.
And that is why I took this week off movement— to prove to myself that I can not exercise for a week and that nothing bad happens. I’m three days in, and to be honest, I woke up this morning and I wanted to flow. I had that feeling of desire to move, and NOT compulsion. But, I made myself tea, and sat myself down outside to write anyways.
Next week, I can do all the yoga I want (or not!). But this week, I am committed to the goal of rewiring my brain about exercise and movement of all kinds, even yoga.
As the saying goes “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
How will I feel when this week is over? Hopefully better than I did going in. l will write more about my week off and what happened in my next post.
In the meantime, I’ll just be here, sipping my tea, doing my best to throw myself into every other passion and project of mine that is not movement. How’s your relationship with exercise?
Sometimes It’s a good idea to not just ask what you are doing, but how you feel about it…
Stay golden. And remember- there are so many more pivotal and pressing things happening in our world right now than the exercise you did or did not do.
-Jordan xoxo
#Black Bodies Matter- the Intersections of Race and EDs
I had a different post planned for this week. It’s a long one, with lots of research behind it busting myths and misconceptions in eating disorders. However, given recent events in the US as well as in our own country, I realize there is one myth in particular that needs to be busted. This is the misconception that eating disorders are a “white people disease.”
There is widespread stigma that black people “don’t get eating disorders.” Often times, when a black person appears underweight or malnourished, others assume it is due to an addiction, drug problem, or other stigmatic issue problematically associated with the colour of their skin (Saren, 2012)
This stigma is so pervasive, that sufferers themselves often do not seek treatment, either because they fear prejudice and stereotyping from healthcare professionals, family, friends, and others, or simply because they do not recognize the disorder in themselves.
Denial is a big enough issue in white suffers of EDs— however it is often a doctor or a friend or family member that pushes that person to seek help. However, when that sufferer is in a black body and in denial, there is rarely someone else that recognizes the issue for what it is, even if all the symptoms are there. Many black sufferers themselves assume the myth that “black people don’t get eating disorders.”
Not only do eating disorders affect people of every ethnicity, but certain racial groups, particularly people of colour, are disadvantaged by barriers and stigmas that exist due to systemic and internalized racism.
More plainly said,the inherent racism that pervades our society is preventing people in black bodies from getting the help they need to recover.
Checking My Privilege
I am only starting to unravel the complex and very real racial issues inherent in the realm of EDs and mental health.
What I have shared so far is from research I have done, reading articles, studies, and personal accounts. I am now undertaking an ongoing process of educating myself, in hopes of alleviating my own ignorance and misconceptions as someone who has only ever experienced ED through the lens of white privilege.
My voice is NOT the most knowledgeble, or powerful, or important by any means in this area. I am NOT speaking for, or to, but in solidarity with every sufferer, survivor, and ally of an ED or other mental health issue who happens to be in a black body.
So I will not attempt to rephrase or condense much else about these racial issues in this post. Rather, I will direct you to some of the eyeopening articles and inspiring accounts that I have been directed to myself in pursuit of deepning my education.
Mental Health is a Race Issue
Mental health has enough stigma surrounding it already- and most treatment is confounded by issues of accessibility, funding, and structure as it is. Couple the intersecting barriers that come with racial prejudice and oppression makes the battle exponentially harder for black people who are struggling.
Eating disorders, and other mental illnesses do not discriminate. The same genes that predispose people to develop anorexia and other EDs exist across all races and ethnicities. It is time to approach the recognition and treatment of these disorders with seriousness, expertise, and knowledgable and effective care for all sufferers, in all bodies.
Eye Opening Statistics About Race and Eating Disorders:
Black teenagers are 50% more likely than white teenagers to exhibit bulimic behavior, such as binging and purging (Goeree, Sovinsky, & Iorio, 2011).**
People of colour with self-acknowledged eating and weight concerns were significantly less likely than white participants to have been asked by a doctor about eating disorder symptoms, despite similar rates of eating disorder symptoms across ethnic groups. (Becker, 2003).
**(**https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/people-color-and-eating-disorders)
Educate Yourself: Resources about Racism and Mental Health
Ethnicity and Access To Treatment
The Science of EDs has an article regarding the disproportionate number of white patients recieving treatment compared to any other race, particularly blacks. This is illustrated through this diagram included by the author of this article:
image property of Science of EDs
https://www.scienceofeds.org/2012/06/01/ethnicity-access-to-treatment/
Racism and Mental Health in The Black Community
Sherri Williams, a PhD and advocate for anti-racism and…. wrote an article for SELF articulating her own experience with depression as a black woman. She writes:
“…racism “can adversely affect mental health in direct and indirect ways. It can inflict psychological trauma, create unfavorable socioeconomic conditions that increase the risk of psychiatric disorders by as much as threefold, and lead to negative feelings of self-worth and wellbeing” (Williams 2017).
https://www.self.com/story/racism-mental-health-in-the-black-community
Black Americans: How To Cope with Anxiety and Racism
The four authors preface their article on anxiety.com with this note:
“Within the Black community, we generally acknowledge and discuss experiences of racism and the detrimental impact of racism on equitable access to resources (including education, housing, health care, etc.). We less frequently discuss the detrimental impact racism often has on our mental health. In this article, we draw attention to the link between experiences of racism and mental health, with a specific focus on anxiety disorders and symptoms, which are among the most commonly diagnosed mental health disorders in the United States. We also discuss coping strategies that may be beneficial in the face of experiences of racism. It is important to emphasize that we, as Black Americans, are not at all responsible for the existence or experience of racism and unfairly are burdened with the responsibility of coping with the painful existence of these oppressive experiences” ( Graham-LoPresti, Ph.D, et al., 2016)
https://www.anxiety.org/black-americans-how-to-cope-with-anxiety-and-racism
African American Women and Eating Disorders, Depression, and the Strong Black Woman Archtype
Carolyn Coker Ross, MD, MPH, CEDS unpacks the history of trauma of black people in North American society, along with current stressors and racial discretions this population continues to face that in part combine to create the “Strong Black Woman Archethype or SBW. Coker writes:
“…the effects of racism from the past and present, and the trauma associated with racism, may play a critical role in black women’s health. Past historical depictions and the trauma associated with racism must be considered when dealing with and effectively treating eating disorders in the black female population” (Coker, 2017).
We Are Failing at Treating Eating Disorders in Minorities
Kristen Fuller M.D (2019) examines how racial stereotyping and prejudice affects how people of diverse races, genders, and sexual orientations are diagnosed and treated (or not) for eating disorders, citing the findings of several studies:
“…there is a large amount of discrimination coming from healthcare providers surrounding the stereotypes associated with eating disorders. “When presented with identical case studies demonstrating disordered eating symptoms in white, Hispanic and Black women, clinicians were asked to identify if the woman’s eating behavior was problematic. 44% identified the white woman’s behavior as problematic; 41% identified the Hispanic woman’s behavior as problematic, and only 17% identified the Black woman’s behavior as problematic. The clinicians were also less likely to recommend that the Black woman should receive professional help (Lee and Lock, 2007)”
*Lee HY and Lock, J: Anorexia nervosa in Asian-American adolescents: do they differ from their non-Asian peers? International Journal of Eating Disorders 2007;40:227-231
Black Women and Eating Disorders
Mikki Kendall, the author of “Hood Feminism” wrote this article for the NY Times about her experience as a black woman with an eating disorder, bringing to light the damaging culture around body and fatphobia in relation to female black bodies. Kendall writes:
“I was black. The societal narratives that position the curviness of black girls’ bodies as a warning sign of future obesity mean that as young women, we’re often congratulated for watching our weight when our food restriction might actually be the symptom of a real mental health problem” (Kendall, 2007).
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/21/opinion/sunday/black-women-eating-disorders.html
I know that I will never understand. But I stand.
This article is just the beginning. In solidarity with all those who suffer eating disorders, compacted by the existence of systemic racism and oppression, I endeavour to continue educating myself, growing in awareness and comprehension of the intersectionality of race and mental health in our society.
While on this blog I post from my own experience as a white, heterosexual, smaller-bodied female, I hope to make it clear that I recognize and empathize with the diverse experiences of all sufferers of EDs and other mental health issues.
5 Things To Do Everyday to stay Sane (and Balanced) During Isolation
As this period of isolation drags on, a lot of us are starting to feel some discomfort at being cooped up in our houses. The novelty of being able to wear your pajamas all day and binge netflix may be starting to wear off. Even the biggest introverts and homebodies may be finding themselves craving a change of scenery other than their own four walls. But the truth is, social distancing is far from over. And in order to make it through with our mental health intact, we need to do MORE than just cope.
Right now, I am still working as a teacher, but I have had to adapt from chasing five year olds around a classroom, to teaching online. Now my day involves sitting at my computer to create and upload assignments, record and edit videos, and communicate with students and families.
Between this work, the blog, and the online ABQ course I am currently in, I have found myself to be spending most of my waking hours on my computer-- something that I never did before. This is still taking some getting used to. I’m noticing the days that I spend the majority of it in front of the screen, the more “blah” I feel by the time evening comes around, regardless of how productive I have been.
Structured Days and Mental Transitions
Even those working from home who are doing similar desk work that they may have before have still felt a toll on their mental health and energy levels from the change in environment. Just the act of dressing in proper clothes, out of the house, and to the office where you are commune with your coworkers inserts very real frames and borders in our day that help us transition from home to work (and everywhere in between), so that we are more present and engaged in each environment.
Working from home, we are missing those physical aspects, from the coffee run on your way to work, to packing your lunch or your gym bag, or tapping your presto card as you fly into the subway, that cue a mental shift, transitioning us from whatever we were doing or thinking before, to the moment at hand.
A change in environment can really make all the difference to productivity
For myself, whenever I had a big chunk of writing or other work I needed to get done, I would head out to a coffee shop (remember those?). The price of a fancy soy matcha latte was always worth the couple hours of uninterrupted state of flow I would enter, and come out with a much greater quantity and quality of writing than I would ever be able to accomplish at home.
Simply the act of leaving my house with my backpack, and sitting down at a counter that was not the same one that I ate my breakfast at that morning, with no fridge or dog or random task to distract me, allowed me to fully immerse myself in my work— even if it took a few minutes to settle in.
Making the Most of Days at Home
To recreate some of that sense of structure, some people talk about waking up, putting on real clothes, maybe even doing some makeup before getting to work in their day. However, many of us can’t quite be bothered enough to do all that-- especially if they’re not working a regular job at the moment. That being said, I still think it is important to incorporate a few different things into your day that help keep you feeling sane, balanced, and in a state of flow, regardless of what you have on your schedule.
Here are five things that I do everyday, to keep my sanity and stay in flow:
1. Mindful Movement
Before this quarantine, I rarely meditated. I used to quite a bit during my YTT, but since then, I’ve largely fallen off the wagon. When I had thirty minutes in the morning before heading to work, I figured it was more productive to do an asana yoga practice. However, with few external limits on time, I decided to try taking up a seated meditation practice again. I’ve now been doing it every day for over a month, and I’m hooked.
Some mornings, I sit for five minutes, and sometimes, up to thirty, Usually, I last about 15 or 20 before rolling into some gentle, flowing movement to the soundtrack of my favourite yoga playlist. I’ll move however slowly or intensely as feels good that morning.
Sometimes it’s gentle side bends and lolling around on the floor, and other mornings, it’s sun salutations, warrior poses and a couple planks.
I do my best to keep it mindful, flowy and intuitive-- not counting reps, or holds, or anything taking me out of the breath and into a more traditional workout that spikes cortisol.
2. Journal
Every morning, I write in my journal. If I have lots of thoughts swarming my mind, or I am feeling a little meh and don’t quite know why, I just word vomit. No filter, I pour whatever is going through my mind onto my paper. I write until I feel my thoughts start to shift, which looks a little different each day, whether it's after a half page or three. While I don’t always write in such depth everyday, every single morning, I take the time to make a list of three goals or tasks I want to complete.
Goal setting journal from Lametto Rose
I’ve been using the 3 Journal that my brother gifted me for Christmas. I love its simplicity, and the space it has at the end of every week to reflect on what you have accomplished.
The first one is usually something for work, whether its creating lessons, or going through assignments.
The second is often something due for my online course, a blog post I want to write, or something else of productive nature.
The third is usually not so pressing, I could technically push it to the next day, but accomplishing it that day would be realistic, and rewarding. Perhaps it is going to the grocery store, cooking or baking something to feed you for a couple of meals, or even an act of self care such as reading a couple chapters of the novel that’s on your bed stand or doing a zoom class of some kind.
I could add lots more to this list, but I like to keep it at three, because it makes it feel very doable to check them all off, and forces me to prioritize as I write what to dedicate my time and energy to that day. And that way, if I get everything done, I can relax into doing whatever else it is I want to do without feeling like I am not being “productive.”
3. Get Outside
one of my daily walks with my fur baby.
Regardless how much stuff on my computer I need to get done, I make it a priority to get outside everyday, whether it’s taking my dog to the park or a longer excursion that takes most of the afternoon. If it’s nice out, I will try to incorporate being outside with as much of my day as possible.
On warm sunny mornings, I find myself doing my meditation and yoga outside. If the glare isn’t bad, I will even set up my laptop or ipad in a sunny spot to do some writing. Or I will take my breakfast or lunch and eat it outside.
It sounds so little and so simple, but I feel immensely lighter after spending some time out in fresh air. If you have the time, go for a walk, however long you have, without rushing yourself (or run if that's what you prefer!).
In my little patch of the suburbs, it’s pretty amazing to see the little ways my community has made an effort to reach out and support each other: there are childrens’ art work in windows facing the street, signs and white ribbons tied around trees in support of front line workers, and motivational chalk drawings on driveways and sidewalks, spreading messages of hope and positivity.
And even while staying acceptably distanced, it really fosters a sense of community and connectedness to witness others out and about just like I am, whether its on a bike, with a wagon of kids, or a happy dog on a leash. It’s a comforting reminder that we are all in this together.
4. Connect (Do Something Social)
I try to chat with at least one friend or loved one everyday. Sometimes its over zoom or facetime, but mostly, I will hit two birds with one stone and have a long phone call while walking in the neighbourhood.
It’s so easy to go days without talking to anyone besides the people we are living with. Sometimes I feel like I have to push myself to commit to a phone date or group virtual meetup. However, I always always ALWAYS, hang up (or sign off) feeling happy and grateful for making the time to be social.
Also, I am trying to be better at keeping up with texting and group chat conversations. Admittedly, I definitely fall into the bad texter category, having every intention to respond to a message “in a bit” and letting it end up in the graveyard of unread and unopened messages in my inbox.
Before covid, it was a little easier to beg forgiveness, seeing many of these people in person, but now that in-person encounters are no longer the norm, I can’t use the rationale. So if I get a message, I try to respond right away… ideally. If you are my friend, reading this and rolling your eyes, I am sorry and I love you. Please get on my case!
Check out my post on how to fight loneliness during quarantine for some other ideas of how to stay connected.
5. Create (State of Flow)
for me, this usually comes in the form of writing. Oftentimes, my morning journaling becomes an act of creating all in itself. Creativity also seeps into my movement practice, whether its flowing intuitively to the music on my yoga-inspired playlist, or having a spontaneous dance party with a whole lot of drama and feeling in my basement.
Exercise your right-side brain through doing something creative each day.
It can also be painting, drawing, playing in a instrument, making a recipe, writing poetry or a story, taking pictures, posting on social media something of a little meaning, or anything else that moves you from a place of consumer to creator.
Instead of allowing life to just happen to you, make something of your own doing. In whatever form or outlet that takes for you, let go of expectations, allow yourself to fall into a state of flow, and let whatever comes up, come out and into the world.
Creativity is NOT a gift or talent that is reserved only for “artists.” Rather, creativity is a muscle, that can be strengthened and honed through regular practice. Making a commitment to exercising your creative muscle, tapping into the right hemisphere of your brain, may increase your resilience, your productivity, and your mental and emotional well-being.
Creative tasks allow us to enter a state of meditative focus and flow, and in turn allow us greater insight into our thoughts and internal feelings that we may have difficulty processing or expressing otherwise.
Putting These Things into Practice
How you go about tackling each of these aspects is up to you-- maybe you improvise a little, finding ways to incorporate each one as the day goes on, or maybe you pencil each in at different, specific times, if you think you may need a little more motivation. Whatever you choose, be realistic.
Still spending my days in my PJ’s doing “unproductve things” like lazing around with Jaeda
Think about how you usually feel at different times of the day. If you know you are ready for a nap by 4 PM, it may NOT be the hour to schedule in exercise. If you have been staying up late watching Modern Family every night, committing to meditate as the sun is coming up also might be stretching it.
For myself, I haven’t been holding myself to any firm schedule. When I wake up, I think of my day in terms of chunks, and then I think of what I need to do and in which “chunk” it might fit best.
For example, I do my lesson planning in the morning after breakfast, go for a walk and phone a friend when its the sunniest time of the afternoon, and spend a few hours before dinner writing and blogging.
This sounds quite productive, and many days I feel quite accomplished by the time I’m sitting in front of another Game of Thrones episode with my family.
However, there are still several hours of the day that I am doing whatever little tasks or less-productive activities catch my interest— from doing the laundry I’ve been putting off for weeks, watching netflix, doing handstands around the house, and more often than I care to admit, mindlessly scrolling social media.
But what can I say?
I am human, and this pandemic has shaken all of us out of our routines. We are all getting used to the new normal. And in light of that, we should be giving ourselves and each other the time and space to adjust and adapt to whatever that looks like for each of us.
What has happened to your daily routine during Covid-19?
What commitments have you made, or do you want to make, to help you adjust to this new normal?
Keep on keeping on,
Jordan
xoxox
Alone Together: Staying Connected in Isolation
A screenshot of a much needed Zoom hangout with friends.
A lot of us are feeling a little lonely these days. Implemented regulations and measures for social distancing and self-isolation are confining us to our homes, with our handful of roommates or family members, or partner, or just ourselves.
We are innately social creatures, who thrive with the company and connection to other beings. Even the most extreme introvert, who cherishes "alone-time,” still craves the presence of others (in smaller doses).
People on every part of the spectrum of personality can experience loneliness— especially in a time like this, in the midst of global pandemic which we do not know for how long, or how severely, will persist.
Even if we are isolating with someone, it does not make up for the countless other interactions that used to fill our lives with a sense of connection and community: lunch break gossiping with your coworkers, a Friday night staying out too late with your friends, the first date with that person you matched with on hinge, or even the morning banter with the barista who made you your latte.
I miss baristas and morning coffee runs.
In each of these exchanges, we experience a shift in our mentality and our projection of who we are, stepping out of our inner space of internal thoughts and criticisms, and assuming the version of ourselves that engages and interacts with others.
Neither version less true. Both are essential to who we are, and shape how we feel about ourselves and where we belong in the world.
I have found myself feeling immensely lighter and happier after social interactions. It’s a blissful escape, a much needed exhale, from the busy and often negative thoughts of my mind. I am much more relaxed, easy, and free spirited in the company of others. I surprise myself with my own sense of humour and zany observations.
It’s really only been since starting this isolation, and spending so much time on my own that I’ve noticed the contrast between these versions of myself.
On my own, even in the presence of my family, my thoughts weigh heavier. Prone to overthinking and overanalyzing, I am less in the moment, and more in my head.
And in this place, I start to judge and criticize myself, allowing anxieties and insecurities to fester. I am even quieter around my family, mousing around with an air of pessimism and edgy indecision. It’s misery meets boredom. It’s moping.
It’s only been recently after getting off some zoom calls that I’ve noticed the stark contrast in my thoughts before and after socializing. And I am coming to realize that what I am experiencing, despite living in a family of six, is loneliness.
The nature of my thoughts are not very different now than they are in normal everyday life. The difference is that when they would come up, they only lasted a few minutes, or however long it was before I was caught up in something else-and working in a room full of thirty lively five year old leaves little time to think, let alone ruminate.
I also know myself well enough to know how much being social benefits my mental health, so I always kept myself busy making plans with friends, whether it was brunch,hitting up a bar, or doing a yoga class.
Now, I do not have the luxury of any of those outlets, and the thoughts that used to be in passing can now fester for hours and even days.
I start to forget what my redeeming qualities are, the aspects of my personality that have allowed me to make so many amazing connections and relationships over the years.
And as this isolation drags on, I am realizing just how important it is to continue to nurture this side of my nature, even though it doesn’t feel “the same” doing it through a screen.
The truth is, this is the way of the world right now, and it’s better to embrace it, spotty wifi and all, than brace against it and wallow in loneliness.
Zoom and Facetime are the lesser evil in an unideal situation.
Up until recently, I wasn’t making much of an effort to to join the virtual hangouts or group chats going on with my friends. I didn’t like seeing myself as I was conversing (I still don’t). I didn’t like peering into a small screen for hours at a time. I didn’t like having to rearrange my camera every time I wanted to shift position. I just didn’t like how it didn’t feel the same. I figured I would just do my own thing and wait it out until we can hang in person in the next couple weeks.
And then a couple weeks passed…and then a month.
And now what is more uncomfortable than zoom chats is noticing how my negative thoughts become heavier even after a day or two without that kind of connection.
Motivating myself to go for a walk and get out of my mopey headspace.
So I’ve made a commitment to do some kind of socializing outside of my family every single day- even if I don’t really feel like it. It doesn’t always need to be a video or Facetime chat. Most days, its a long phone call with a friend as I go for a walk.
However, I don’t skip out on the group zoom hangouts when they are planned.
There is still a valuable sense of togetherness there, that while isn’t the same as sharing a couch or crowded round a table, still makes me feel a little more whole.
Seeing everyone’s face on a little square on my screen reminds me that I am not alone in feeling alone.
We are all in this together, doing what we can to stay connected and content, and getting a little insight into who we are on our own, in the process.
Taken on one of my daily walks. Sunshine also helps.
What are you doing to fight loneliness? How are you staying connected while staying safe at home?
-xoxo
Jordan