Fear in Recovery (being afraid and doing it anyway)

recovery requires taking a leap of faith, many times over

Fear has always been a driving force in my life. Fear of the unknown.  Fear of change.  Fear of growing up.  Fear of too much, and not enough.  For years, I have lived enslaved to fear, doing what felt safe, even when these actives were truly destructive. Before I delve further into my story, let me begin with this story about fear, excerpted from Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart (1997): 

“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful…the young warrior said, "How can I defeat you?" Fear replied, "My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power." In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear.”

This was the story that my therapist shared with me during one of my very first sessions. It was this story, that helped me commit to recovery and do battle with ED, regardless of how terrifying it felt.

Recovery was, and still remains, the scariest and most difficult thing I have ever done. Every time I had to sit down for a meal felt like jumping off a cliff. Every time I walked my dog and resisted the urge to run had my cells screaming in protest. 

“You’re going into battle.” My therapist told me.  “You’re afraid...and that’s okay.  Your head will be loud. Your eating disorder will be screaming at you that you are doing the wrong thing.  You can hear it, and you might even believe it.  But as long as you don’t listen to it, and do the opposite, you will still win.” 

This was revelational for me, that I could believe my fear to be very much real, and still do it anyways. I had been giving fear far too much power.  

Today I am still afraid. I am still afraid of my body, and how its changed since starting recovery, and how it continues to change to resemble that of a grown woman. 

And as I continue to move and expand beyond recovery, my fears expand too. I am afraid that I have lost too much already to anorexia. I am afraid that I have wasted the prime years of my life, and missed opportunities for love and connection that I will never get back. I am afraid that I will never be as successful or as accomplished or happy as I could have been, because I am only recently able to see a larger vision for my life than a number on a scale.

Some days, these fears threaten to paralyze me. They feel so real, that it makes me nostalgic for when my brain was too consumed by calories to worry about anything more profound.

But it is in these moments I remember the story of the warrior, and I remember that I can feel the fear so vividly, and believe it so painfully real, and still face it anyways.



So here I am, writing something more vulnerable and true than I am comfortable sharing, because I fear the response and judgements from those who read it. But I am writing this and sharing it anyways. And maybe I will alienate some people in the process, or make people uncomfortable. But this act of sharing my story empowers me to continue embracing life beyond recovery, and continue facing fear.

More than that, there is a chance these words will resonate with someone who needs to hear this, and could inspire them to bring forth their own shadow fears into the light.

To fear is human; it is not being weak or cowardly or inferior. However, feeling fear, and forging on, with shaking limbs and tear streaked cheeks, is the act of a warrior.

Invest in your life. Commit to do battle.

What do you need to face today? What steps are you going to take to conquer it?

-J