When “Healthy” Becomes Too Healthy
How I Lost my Period (and how I got it back)
No period, restricting a ton vs. period, eating and enjoying it.
This post outlines my experience with Hypothalamic Ammenhorea, a condition I developed as a result of my anorexia. Its a longer post than I intended. So think of this as Part 1, where I will explain what exactly Hypothalamic Ammenhorea (HA) is, and my experience of losing my period for eight years. I will post a Part II in the near future, to go more into my recovery from HA, and how I successfully regained my cycle, and my health, after so many years.
The Christmas of 2019, I received a gift that I had been desperately wanting for. I had waited so long, and been disappointed so many times, that I was ready to give up hope that it would ever be mine.
When it arrived, wrapped in red, it was completely unannounced and unexpected, I almost didn’t believe it. When the shock wore off, I then wanted to go running down the street shouting with glee about what I had just gotten.
But then I thought maybe yelling “there’s blood in my underwear!” might be a little disconcerting for our neighbours.
This was the first natural period that I’ve had since I was in high school. I’ve had several more since, and I’m not ashamed to say I am still as excited by its arrival as I was the first time. You see, it’s still not a regular monthly occurrence. It turns out that bodies and hormones are a little finicky and sensitive when you’ve been running them into the ground and starving them for close to a decade. But my period is finally beginning to normalize, little by little, and for that I will always be grateful.
I’m pretty open about my experience with Hypothalamic Ammenorhea these days. Often when I tell a girl how I didn’t have a period, the response is along the lines of, “wow, you’re so LUCKY!”
And I get it. Periods are inconvenient. PMS sucks, bloating is no joke, and the cramps be painful enough to want to hibernate until its all over.
However, when you go so long without a cycle, an inherent marker of female health and functioning, you miss it when its gone. Having a regular period means that your body is working as it is supposed to. When its gone, it means that something is wrong. For me, that was that my body was undernourished, overstressed, and energy-deprived.
In scientific terminology, I had Hypothalamic Amenorrhea- more often referred to as HA.
Hypothalamic Amenorrhea
Hypothalamic Amenorrhea is what it is called when a female loses her period due to excessive stress on the body. However, it’s not typically stress from work or relationships that does it (although it can).
The kind of stress that really affects our hormones is energy deficiency. In other words, underfeeding our bodies for what we expending. Most women risk losing their period from losing weight, undereating, or over exercising.
I, like many with an eating disorder, was doing all three. I was working out for hours a day, whether it running, conditioning, spinning, power “yoga” or some combination of the above. I had a BMI that was several digits below healthy, and while I was eating, it was nowhere close to what I was expending.
I first lost my period when I was about 16. This was the onset of my eating disorder. I was intentionally not eating, sometimes for days at a time. I was also exercising, (although not as excessively as I did later on.)
I lost weight rapidly within just a few months, and along with the weight went my period. I don’t remember noticing exactly when I Iost it. I was too obsessed with the scale to notice anything else going on with my body. And when I did notice I just brushed it off as not a big deal. I was in high school. Its not like I was thinking about having babies anyways. Why did I need a period?
However, my doctor was quick to recognize my sudden weight loss as an eating disorder, and got it out of me that I was not getting a period. Worried about my low estrogen levels impacting my bone density, she put me on the pill. Which essentially gave me a period as long as I was taking it consistently.
I was on the pill for several years. I was no longer losing weight, but I maintained a chronically low weight right through university.
I eventually went off the pill, and no surprise, my period was nowhere to be seen. While it appeared I was eating quite frequently, I was not getting the calories or nutrients that I needed in order signal to my body that I was healthy enough for my hormones to start up again.
I spent the next several years going back and forth from being on the pill, attempting to put a band-aid on the solution by getting an “artificial bleed” each month, and going off it only to be discouraged at being ghosted yet again each and every month.
So How Did I get it back?
Slowly. Painfully slowly. There was no special vitamin or supplement or superfood that was my magic cure. (Although there were a few things that may have helped along the way— but I shall save that for a later post).
Essentially it was bringing my stress levels down, on all fronts. After far too many years half-assing recovery, gaslighting myself and basically everyone else in my life, I started truly prioritizing recovery.
I did the hard things. The non-intuitive things. I started eating more. More types of foods. More times a day. More nutrients. More calories.
The more I ate, the hungrier I got, and the more I wanted to eat. As scary as it was, my body knew what it needed, and for the first extended period of time, I was allowing it to get it.
While I had increased my intake on several occasions, what really made all the difference this time around was that I wasn’t compensating for it through movement.
Even when I wanted nothing more than to hit the pavement for a long run, I forced myself to choose something less-cortisol inducing for my body.
Instead of a run, I would go for a walk.
Instead of cardio or HIIT, I did yoga or pilates.
And most importantly (if most uncomfortably), I rested. I watched a lot of Netflix. Working Moms, Grey’s Anatomy, and Jane the Virgin were my drugs of choice.
I also started up this blog.
How did my body respond?
Well, no surprise, I gained weight. More than I wanted, but also less than I feared. I felt uber self-conscious at times, and many days woke up hating it. But right now, I am now pretty close to that “higher” “uncomfortable” weight where I got my first cycle in almost a decade, and honestly, I feel absolutely fine.
Its no longer causing me any real discomfort or anxiety. I’ve more than made peace with my body. I like it.
And more importantly, I like the life it allows me to live.
Not my ass, but I share the sentiment**I still have more of a journey ahead of me. After getting that first period, and second, and third, I started going for a month or two or three at a time of not getting it at all. Part of it might be just my body trying to sort itself out.
But I also know there are points in time where I get stressed or busy, or undergo a wave of shitty mental health, that old habits start to creep in subconsciously, and I drop the ball with my food, or exercise, or weight.
It’s never a relapse, and never very noticeable to the outside eye, but my body feels it and responds accordingly, shutting down my ovaries for business.
I don’t know if I’ll forever be this sensitive to changes in my lifestyle or body, or this is just part of the recovery after years of hormone fuckery. Either way, I’m staying committed to my path, and consciously prioritizing nourishment, rest days, and my mental and physical health, even when others around me may seem to live a little more on the edge.
This post is now officially a novel, so I will write another one about my experience with HA. Let me know what you would like to know about, and if youre struggling at all to maintain a regualar period.
It’s more common than you think.
-love and light,
—J
