The Truth about Truths: Embracing and Navigating Contradiction in and Beyond Recovery
Something I learned in therapy was that two things can be true at the same time. It can be that the way someone else views something may completely contradict the way you see it, but ultimately both views are true because both of you are experiencing it. This two truths concept also applies to thoughts and beliefs we host within ourselves.
A lot of the therapy I underwent for my eating disorder recovery focused on identifying and embracing these kinds of insistent contradictions.
For example, one truth I held steadfastly was, “I don’t want an eating disorder.” And another equally real truth I had was “I am scared to give up my eating disorder.”
The key to being able to navigate both truths is to embrace them both— NOT set them up in conflict to one another. The first step is as simple and as subtle as word choice when speaking or even thinking about them.
We tend to use “but” when comparing two things that seem to contradict one another:
“I don’t want an eating disorder BUT I am scared to give it up.”
However, something changes when you replace that “but” for “and”:
“I don’t want an eating disorder, AND I am afraid to give it up.”
The latter validates both perceptions but does NOT so planitively put one above the other.
“But” infers that the fear is stronger than the will to live without an ED. “And” allows the possibility to be afraid, but do it anyways.
There is a story about a warrior and his meeting with fear, taught by Pema Chodron. The ultimate revelation the young warrior comes away with from this meeting is that bravery is NOT the absence of fear; It is feeling the fear, BELIEVING it, with every cell in your body, and facing it anyways.
It is not: “I want to, BUT I am afraid.” It is: “I want to, AND I am afraid.”
Unlike the former, which almost immediately dismisses any action, the latter births the opportunity for both truths to coexist, and for the fear to be conquered.
I am not currently in therapy, and I’m not really “recovering” anymore, but I am still living in this place of navigating two truths.
A big one right now that I hold is: “I am so grateful to have made it this far in my recovery, AND I am sometimes nostalgic for the identity my eating disorder gave me.”
Another is: “I am proud of my body, and I love being healthy AND I often think I would be happier if I lost weight.”
Sometimes these truths are even more specific to a moment. Take this past week for example, when I took a spontaneous trip to a family cottage for some r&r by the lake. I was having repeating thoughts of “I really want to get a good sweat from a workout AND I want to relax and do nothing.”
And on a similar train: “I feel guilty and not hungry for dinner from eating so many appetizers on the dock AND I am still looking forward to eating more at dinner.”
It’s hard, honestly, navigating these two often equally compelling voices. Ultimately, the healthier one always drowns out the one I know instinctively is rooted in my ED neural pathways. That’s what makes it uncomfortable. Continuing to eat, and rest, and attempt to feel happy and at ease in my skin, and to NOT fixate on what I eat or how much I weigh, while simultaneously living with this feeling that I “should” be doing a lot of the things that I used to do (a lot of things that a lot of people without EDs do: opting for “healthier” options, watching what they eat, having a strict workout regime, etc.)
Sometimes, it feels like I’m driving backwards on the highway, trying to live up to the healthier truth.
Even though I am pretty good at this point at doing the right things for my mental and physical health, there are still moments when it seems like the wrong thing.
Restricting and exercise were always a quick fix for any larger stressor in my life.
Fighting with my family? Don’t eat dinner.
Feeling sad or lonely that I didn’t have plans on a friday night? Go for a run.
Realizing how lonely I am, feeling disconnected from all my friends? Try even harder to change my body, thinking if I looked the way I thought I “should” look, I would be more likable, more loveable, and regain those kinds of connections I had thwarted.
None of these quick fixes ever really fixed anything, obviously. They only led me further into my eating disorder and farther from the kind of connection and happiness I was seeking.
So I do realistically and rationally understand that attempting to change my body, or start actively controlling my food or exercise is NOT the answer to any of my concerns today. But (or and, as I should say), I still have fleeting thoughts that these behaviours will.
I’m writing this blog post right now to remind myself of this ultimate truth: two things can be totally contradictory and still coexist equally as truths. Feelings are real, and valid, but they do NOT need to dictate our actions. We can feel the fear, believe it, and face it anyways.
Hopefully this reminder might render itself useful for you too.
What are some conflicting or contrasting beliefs that you hold? How might replacing that “but” with “and” alter your perception of how to navigate them? Often the right path is the hardest one to take.
Don’t sell yourself short by opting for the road that feels easiest in the moment, but ultimately never gets you to the place you wanted to get to in the first place.
Embrace the “and.” Do the hard thing. And in the moments where you fall victim to the contradiction, have the self-compassion and grace to pick yourself back up and carry on, because life is too short to live in debt to your own regrets anyways.
Love and light,
Jae
Tis’ the Season (for being sick) — some musings about resting to return back to health
I feel like some kind of omniscient game is being played on me. Looking back on my bullet journal from last december, it turns out the very same day I came down with the covid last year, is the very same day —- December 13— that a whopper of a cold hit me this year.
For the past 3 days I’ve been coughing my lungs out, nursing a headache and a fever, and not able to do much other than sleep, eat, watch TV, and occassionally fiddle with my knitting.
Perhaps even more karmic, is that this cold hit me right after I was beginning to feel some of the inklings of my usual pre-holiday anxiety about being out of my routine, subject to more food and indugences, and less opportunities to exercise, and how that might wreak havoc on my body, and my mind. It was the fist weekend of several from now until post new years— of holiday parteis and events with family and friends, with all kinds of boozy drinks and full dessert platters and and rich hearty meals.
It was a fabulous weekend— the Friday I was at my partner’s work christmas party, where we stayed well past midnight before heading back to our hotel only to carry on the party at the bar, and then the room.
Waking up late the next day, we were just in time to pull ourselves together and make it out for my family’s big neighbourhood Chritsmas party that night, where there were even more food and drinks to be had.
Sunday, was our family’s celebration of St.Nicholas day, essentially a warm up to christmas with a table of plates being magically filled with all kinds of small treats and goodies over night. Its another lazy festive morning in pajamas, lovely and lots of fun, but once again, out of my usual food and movement routine and after a two previous days of festivities, it was starting to feel a little uncomfortable.
The nagging voice in my brain started to pipe up again. I was acutely aware of how many days- how may hours— it had been since I had gone for a long “enough” walk, done a quad draining bike ride to class, or had a training session for pole. I also found myself becoming more and more aware and anxious about my body, and how it was changing (if it was. Are my thighs closer to touching? Is my stomach bigger? My arms feel like they arer flabbier.
In reality, it had been 3 days— not long enough to make any drastic changes.
And when I did go back to doing 2 pole classes that following Monday, I felt as if my body was instantly back to the way I wanted it. Obviously, not because a coule pole classes have that kind of body sculpting power, but because I never really changed in the first place.
It was just my anorexic, compulsive brain kicking me in loud enough to believe it.
Yes, it felt good to move after that rather sedentary week. I felt like I could exhale, already planning and lookig forward to resuming my fairly active routine up until gouing head to head with christrmas.
But waking up on Tuesday with a bad chest cold and the chllls it became evident that wasnt quite the case. I had come down with the same virus that took out a number of people at a party we went to over the weekend.
I was laid up on the couch for three days. Too tired and full of phlegm to exercise or even pole— even if I wanted to.
The funny thing was, my anxiety didn’t skyrocket being sick and sedentary (again) like i expected it to. In the past, when I was severely disordered, ity would have been practically impossible for me to have layed on a couch for three days especially after a weekednd of food and festivities.
The only way I probably could ahve coped owuld have been by eating as little as I could possibly get away with, thinking my bdy relly didnt need it if I wasn’t being active. I remember sneaking in squats and jumping jacks and situps in my bedroom if I was sick for more than a single day, and even quietly lacing up my running shoes to sneak out for a run, despite a sore throat and chest cough.
It wasnt even because I wanted to. It’s because I needed to. The only thing that I was dreadinfg more than the cold air in my inflamed lungs in that moment was having to be lying down for another minute, my mind being attacked by pulsating anxiety and shame over “what I was letting happen” to my body .
Being sick this year in a way was like a breath of fresh air. For three days, I didnt sterp foot out of my house, or even my pajamas. Even after my fever broke and I was feeling a bit more energetic on the second day, I still prioritzed rest,, and enjoyed watching christmas movie after christmas movie, knititng and crafting and puzzling in the glow of the christmas tree lights. Yes, I still felt small tremors of guilt, for choosing this kind of routine even when I probably could have braved a walk around the block. But these were just ripples, not the tidal waves that used to overtake me.
I don’t know if the timing of this onslaught of sickness was pure;y coincidental, or if there was a greater universal intention behind it. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the latter. The universe, or God, or consciousness, or however you might phrase it, has a way of granting you something you need, whether you want it or not. Of course I didnt need to be sick. But I needed something to break me out of the anxcious and destructive throught patterns that I was beginning to fall into again. I needed to be reminded by something with some force, that rest is sometimes neccessary, and breaking routines on occasion is more than okay.
I was also reminded of how far I’ve come, being able to actually allow myself that rest. To be able to hole up on a couch alll day with christmas movies and crafts was something I secretly craved, and yet could neverallow myself to do.
The few times I tries to enjoy a movie midafternoon, I couldnt hear the TV over the blaring voices in my head screaming at me to get up, go for a run, you have to burn some calories to deserve this.
This year, coccooned in a blanket watching Netflix at noon on a wednesday, all was quiet. And it was bliss.
Merry Almost Christmas,
Don’t forget to rest and enjoy it,
—Jae xoxo
5 Things to Do When You Get Out of Bed in the Morning (Even if you “hate” routine)
1.Take a Deep Breath.
It sounds simple, because it is. Breath deeply, and mindfullly. Notice the inhale and exhale. And note the place of calm and balance from which you are breathing. Set an intention to stay in that place throughout the place, and to always return to that place when anxiety, stress or other emotions start to throw you off balance.
2. Be Thankful.
Rhyme off three reasons you have to be grateful right now. Maybe its the amazing night’s sleep. Maybe its a delicious breakfast you will have before you start your day. Maybe its the simple fact you didn’t sleep through your alarm. Set your day off on a good note by searching for the positive. Even quantum physics has recently proven that the energy you put out into the world is the energy you will get back. Exude positive, happy thoughts, and you are more likely to encounter positive and happy events in return. Don’t believe me? It’s science.
3. Be Intentional.
Make a to do list— not a long one— of three things you want to accomplish today. Once you have those clear goals in your head, you can more easily direct your energy and actions towards those goals as the day goes on.
If you are so inclined, you can also go beyond a simple list and journal an intention for the day. Whether it is to be productive, be kind, or be calm, keep it simple. Make at a single phrase to capture an overall feeling that you can continue to come back to throughout the day.
4.Move your body.
That could be a leisurely morning walk, a heart pumping weight session, a meditative yoga flow, or even simply some gentle stretches before you even get out of bed. Whatever you do, it is enough. Find what works for you, what energizes you and puts you in a better mental and physical state for the rest of the day. Whether its 50 minutes or 5 minutes, that little bit of movement will bring you into your body before it hits the ground running.
5. Do something to clean your vessel.
As important as it is to move your body, it is also important to care for it in other ways, and paying individual attention to different aspects of your physical being. This could mean dry brushing your skin, moisturizing your face and body after you shower or before makeup, cleansing and exfoliating your face, oil rinsing your mouth, jade rolling, applying hand cream, doing a hair or face mask, or any other hygienic self-care act that you enjoy that might fit into your time frame here.
This kitty cat understands the joy of dry brushing
I know this might sound like something from a beauty magazine. But its the one morning habit that took me years to develop, but is now something that I find helps my sense of mental wellbeing just as much as anything else on this list. Taking the moment to do something that feels like a little bit of “extra” care for my body helps to remind me how to treat and talk to myself.
In the past, the only thing I would do on this list was the movement. And in that way movement became a form of punishment rather than care. Making myself deliberately build in a small act of care continues to shift my perspective of how I view my body from something I need to tame or force or control, to something to respect and appreciate.
I don’t manage to do all of these things every morning. Some days I only manage three, or two , and sometimes I barely manage one (I mean the breathing one is hard to avoid). But I find that having the intention of grounding myself first thing with these simple habits can really make a difference in how I feel going into the day.
As always, take what serves you, leave what doesn’t.
How do you start your mornings?
xoxo- J
February Favourites
In typical blogger fashion, here is a roundup of some of my favourite things this month. Perhaps a little atypical however, is the types of things I am listing here. There is no skincare or makeup and in fact a lot of things that don’t even have a link to a site where they can be bought. This is simply a roundup of things that have been adding to my life this past month. I am hoping now that some of them may find their way into yours. As I’ve written about before on this blog, its the little things that make life wonderful.
Favourite Drink
Soy Matcha Latte
Pre-lockdown, I got one of these at least once a week from starbucks. It was part of my routine to grab a matcha latte and spend a few hours writing in the cafe. Now that I am unable to stay i a Starbucks to work, I have gotten into a new habit of making these at home for myself— strong matcha tea, a little sweetener of your choice, (my favourite being vanilla coffee syrup!) and steamed soy milk. I am tempted to say better than Starbucks, but we all know I will be back handing them my money as soon as this lockdown is over.
Favourite Food
Peanut Butter Oatmeal
In these cold winter days, oatmeal has been my go-to breakfast. I thought I knew how to make good oatmeal, but it wasnt until I started adding peanut butter into the mix that my breakfast went from good to mind blowing. Lately, its been a diced apple or banana (and sometimes both!) with a big gob of peanut butter, and lots of cinnamon. I even double up on the peanut flavour adding in a scoop of powdered peanut butter along with a gob of the natural full fat stand-by. Extra protein, extra flavour, whats not to love? And secret tip: adding a few berries in at the end makes the whole bowl taste like peanut butter and jelly. I’m obsessed.
Favourite App
Wealth Simple
Who would’ve guessed that I would have ever found my way to the stock market? Until a month ago, I only ever picked up the newspaper to read my horoscope— let alone the business section! But after making some financial goals for myself this new year, and watching my brother and his friends venture into the brave new world of investing, I figured it was as good a time as ever to dip my toes in too. So my brother downloaded Wealthsimple onto my phone for me and I was off to the races!
With a super user-friendly interface, I am picking it up quick, and it is becoming an app that I am using (almost) as regularly as any of my social media accounts. Its an easy and simple way to get started in making your money make money for you. As a teacher, I know my income is never going to skyrocket, so I feel empowered having another means to make those $$ with some smart investments.
Favourite Podcast
What the Phalange?! Podcast
What the Phalange!? is a podcast about the TV show friends that goes through the series episode by episode, and tackling some of the problematic themes through it from a place of love and fandom. The issues and tone are light hearted enough that it never comes across as too heavy, but is not so light that it feels like I am listening to junk and lowering my intelligence. When I spend so much (too much) of my time consuming social media, I like putting on this podcast as I am out walking to balance that out with a dose of intelligent conversation with messages that are empowering and illuminating— and as an avid fan of friends, and the quirky banter of the two siblings who host this show, I feel like I am among friends as I listen in.
Favourite Activity
Forest Trail Dog Walks
Forest Therapy Trail in Markham, ON
Perhaps the hardest part about my recent foot injury is having to give up my little trail adventures with my dog Jaeda. I took me over 20 years of living in Markham to discover the intricate rouge valley trail system that existed just 5 minutes away from us in the smack middle of suburbia. For years, we would drive out to Durham Forest or Greenwood Forest in Ajax to get some trail time, and because it was a bit of a trek, we didn’t do it very often. Now, we get out multiple times a week to explore along the Forest Therapy Trail just minutes from mainstreet. If Jaeda wasn’t the thirteen year old senior she is, we could walk there!
There is nothing better than being out in nature in any season, but something about the sparkling white snow on a sunny winter day that is its own kind of magical. And watching a dog frolick around in snow banks like a puppy makes it that much better.
It will be hard going back to Toronto sidewalks after this.
Favourite Book
The Alice Network
I go through waves of reading, according to if what I am reading is more compelling than whatever my social media feeds have to show me. For the couple weeks it took me to devour The Alice network, my screen time was hella down. I am not usually an avid historical fiction reader, feeling too disconnected or bored by eras before my time. But this book, based on the intricate network of spies made up by a few badass women, has had me rethink this stance. This book is definitely not PG-13 and thank god for that.
And that concludes this little roundup of some of the things that have been making my life a little fuller this month. Its the little things— comfort foods, warm drinks, a good book, and some nature time, that balance out some of the bigger things that define our lives— goals, careers, and curveballs (like a broken foot) along the way.
Hoping you are making space for your own ways to recharge and find your balance this February. Feel free to leave a comment about one of YOUR favourite things lately.
exes and ohs,
Jordan