Thirty Things For Thirty
Its Leo season. And tomorrow, I turn Thirty. Its funny. I cried when I turned 19, because I was so scared over getting old. But with every birthday since then, it gets a little easier.
A couple years ago, I couldn’t even imagine being 30. I thought I was destined for a breakdown. And yet here I am, 1 day away, and honestly, I am feeling okay. I wouldn’t say I’m ecstatic. The thought of leaving my 20’s behind makes me a little sad.
So much growth happens in your twenties, with so many experiences of adulting being thrown your way, its the time of figuring out who we are and want we want and how to thrive away from the identity we found in the realm of high school and our family homes. It feels like by the end of our twenties, the time to experiment and explore who we are has come to an end.
By thirty we are just living in that existence we have made for ourselves. At least thats what I used to think.
At the beginning of my twenties, it felt like it would last forever.
Here I am, 29 and 364 days, and I promise you I still have so much more growth and exploring left to do. And I am perfectly okay with that. I am in such a different place right now than I could ever have imagined I would be even 2 years ago. I didn’t even know this was the life I wanted, filled with the beautiful humans and animals that have become so important to me, that I didnt even know existed until recently.
29 has been a year of so much beautiful change and growth for me. I went from being a single girl in the city, trotting down king west in the wee hours of the morning with an entourage of fellow 20’s era females. I was living in a 2 bedroom condo, making close friends of neighbours and roommates, and biking all over the city to attend pole classes, meet up on patios, and get myself to work.
It kind of felt like I was making up for lost time, since there was a good chunk of 5 years that was stolen from me by anorexia, where I was not able to go out and make new connections or live on my own, or take part in spontaneous adventures. I chose to wrap myself up in a relationship and anorexia, rather than to nurture other friendships in my life, or explore opportunities to make new ones.
So when I was 28 and more free than I had been ever before, I was able to do everything I had missed.
And in the process, I found myself staring my future in the eye, in the rain and neon lights of a music festival on Canada Day. (Thank you, electric island )
EI magic.
One year later, I am gone from my rented condo, and city girl life. I am in a serious and committed relationship with someone who makes me feel like I can be anything I want to be, and cares for me in a way that does not undercut my indepeendence. Now, we have just bought our first home together. We live in Barrie, which is so different than the buzz and business of Toronto, but a thriving and beautiful place that I am growing to love more and more each day.
Closing day!
When I found V —or we found each other—I was also adopted into his circle of friends which are more like family. We live in our house with 2 of them, and 2 pretty kitties, and the four (plus 2) of us function like a little family unit, and I feel like I am finally finding that sense of closeness and connection that I never managed to find for so many years in my early twenties.
Adventures with my adopted Barrie Family (and co-owners!)
I never predicted this for me. I never tried to make it happen. I had no plan to be a home owner, or in a serious committed relationship, or to be moved out of the city. But it happened, so organically and spontaneously, simply by being curious and going with my intuition and saying yes when it felt right, even if it scared me.
And I am so freaking happy that it did.
feeling good at my birthday dinner at B’Spoke bar in Barrie.
By the time you are reading this, I will officially be 30. All the pain and passion and growth of my 20’s will be behind me. But I am so ready for this decade to be full of NEW growth, and love and adventure as I navigate this new era of my life. I may officially be an adult, now in my third decade, but I am starting to realize learning and growth and exploration are things that don’t end no matter how old you get.
Never too old to marvel at a double rainbow after the rain
To make the most of my 30th year, and to keep my momentum going to continue to seek out growth and adventure, I made myself a little list.
Thirty things, of varying types and intensities that I want to experience and check off in this year of being Thirty. Some I hope to accomplish over these next few weeks of birthday celebrations, and the rest, to be pursued over time (for example, breaking 30 kilometres of hiking into more reasonable chunks).
a draft in my bullet journal of this list.
Heres to being thirty (not too) flirty, and thriving.
Which of these things are you putting on your list?
Love and light,
-Jae xoxo
Never too old to celebrate a birthday mini putting with goats
Thirty Things for Thirty
Hike 30 kilometres
Go pet camping OR hiking with the cat and the dog
Go on a wine tasting tour by bicycle
Go on a camping trip
Do a pole photo shoot
Make and perform a pole routine
Go horseback riding
Do a vaulting lesson
Get a facial and start a skin care routine
Do a contortion class
Go to a music festival
Go to a concert
Ride a bull at the Ranch
Spend a day at a spa
Eat at a Michelin-rated restaurant
Spend a few days in Montreal
Enjoy a bougie and boozey brunch
Go on a shopping spree
Do a bar or pub crawl
Go to Pursuit OCR
Go to a rooftop bar
Have a beach day
Take dance lessons
Have a paint night
Marie Kondo my room/wardrobe
Host or invite my parents to dinner
Get an astrological reading
Do a spontaneous adventure roadtrip
Have a cottage weekend with friends
Do some kind of walk/run/bike ride for charity
ADHD and Me
I’ve been struggling lately. Not so much with food or eating disorder things. More with life in general. Like I am a step behind in everything I need and want to do, without any tangible obstacles in my way, and I still cant seem to get them done.
From keeping my classroom organized, to tidying my condo, to writing this blog post. I NEVER seem to be able to carry out the act of completing any of these things until some external pressure has me backed into a corner (like parent-teacher interviews forcing me to organize my teaching desk).
It’s making me feel as if I am wasting precious time, the very thing that motivated me so strongly to overcome my eating disorder’s compulsions and routines.
Now I have this extra energy and unscheduled time, and instead of using it to the fullest, I still feel stuck to something. And not just one thing, but a thousand little things, pulling me in a thousand different directions ultimately keeping me stuck in one place, vibrating awkwardly rather than making any actual strides.
These feelings are NOT new. Its just without all the eating disorder struggles consuming most of my brainspace, they have taken up more prominent residence in my life.
It’s not just that I feel unproductive. Yeah, it’s annoying that my room is messier than I want it to be, that I can’t seem to remember where I put a giftcard I was gifted for the life of me, that this blog post I started a month ago I still haven’t finished.
But it’s impacting the way other people see me, and the way I see myself.
Take Superbowl weekend. We decided to throw a little party at my parents’ house, inviting my siblings and a few friends to watch the game half time show and eat lots of food. I decided to try to recreate the quinoa onion rings from Fresh, knowing how obsessed my boyfriend is with them, and also helped prepare a Tex Mex feast of nachos, enchiladas and BYO burrito bowls.
There was a bunch of us in the kitchen working with and around each other, navigating counter space and cutting boards, commandeering the SONOS speakers, trying to time everything so that it was all piping hot and ready to go for the start of the game.
Of course, in typical Prosen-family-style, the food was ready just seconds before Rhianna strode onto the stage at half time. But pretty much all of us only cared to see that part of the game anyways. So perfect timing!
I plated the onion rings, from their paper towel lined drinking dish onto something more serving worthy, quickly ran a cloth over the counter, rushed to put some spice bottles away and dashed downstairs.
I felt like I was being pulled so many ways-- my siblings and boyfriend downstairs, waiting for me to join them, my aunts attempting to navigate the kitchen and also wanting to catch up with me, and my pole standing there in the middle of it all, staring me down for not having used it all day, despite that being one of the first things on my to do list.
But I was able to exhale, with that final onion ring scooped onto the platter. It was halftime, dinner was done, and we could all be downstairs to eat and enjoy together. I had even managed to sneak in a couple ayeshas as things were cooking.
It was only the next day I was subjected to a different perspective. According to my mother, I dashed downstairs without a glance behind me, leaving a whirlwind of greasy surfaces, unwashed dishes, and dirty floors in my wake. She was genuinely hurt by it, feeling like I had intentionally thought to assign her the task of cleaner.
It’s so selfish, when you do these things. Like you just expect other people to clean up after you. As if its only your time and what you have to do that matters and not mine.
And that devastated me. Was I really that selfish?
It did cross my mind that I should tidy up my mess-- thats why I wiped the counter and put away the things I used. But did I think to check the floors, or the other areas of the kitchen? Maybe for a second. But I was really just consumed by this urgency to get out of there as fast as I could with the food so that it could be enjoyed by everyone while it was hot and at its best. It didn’t even cross my mind at that moment what the state of the rest of the kitchen was in, or when it would be addressed.
Its not the first time I’ve been called out for my whirling dervish messiness. My first house I shared with roommates, I was horrified the first time my friend sat down with me and gently broke it to me that I was “messy.”
I thought I was being so careful to clean up after myself, everytime I used any kind of common area. My students at school have even asked me what my desk is “such a mess.” And it’s really only at that moment I see my stacks of papers and notebooks as a mess and not in tentatively organized stacks of “to-do nows” and “to-do-laters.”
I’m struggling with this because its more than just being a “messy” person. It’s more that the mess is a symptom of a greater, underlying issue: attention and hyperfixation.
An issue I am only beginning to wrap my head around. I was actually diagnosed with ADD (now categorized as ADHD on the DH-5 scale) when I was in grade 4 when my teacher noticed my difficulty in transitioning from task to task.
However, I managed to do well in school, and I was not bouncing off walls the way most people assumes people (boys) with ADHD tend to behave, so no one gave much thought to this diagnosis: not any doctor, my parents, and not me.
It was only recently, as I have gotten to know more people living with ADHD, that I have come to understand some of the myths and misconceptions that exist around it.
As one a video by How to ADHD put it, ADHD is less of an inability to pay attention and more of an imbalance of attention.
It’s not that I, like other “ADHDers” cannot focus on anything. It’s that we have difficulty training our attention on something that is not giving us an immediate hit of dopamine to our apparently, under-dopaminated cortexes.
My lack of ability to tidy and organize spaces is because my brain is so heavily fixated on something else, whether its a pole class I am about to run out the door for, an upcoming trip I am planning, and less healthily, anxiety regarding some eating disorder thought permeating.
That one fixation consumes all my attention, appearing in screaming colour, with all other tasks and thoughts muted and black and white in the background.
I don’t like living this way, at the mercy of whatever thought is giving me that hit of dopamine, limiting my ability to comprehend and act in a way that acknowledges the big picture of whats going on around me.
So I am taking steps to figure out how to function with this ADHD that I am finially acknowledging.
I could write so much more about what I am already learning, but this blog post is long enough. Hopefully, I will manage to have trained my attention to write more posts on this ADHD discovery journey as I go.
Have you ever suspected you might have ADHD? Have you ever held any of the same beliefs I did about how it manifests?
Stay tuned to see how this chaotic brain of mine is working to sort itself out.
Til next time,
Jae
5 Things to Do When You Get Out of Bed in the Morning (Even if you “hate” routine)
1.Take a Deep Breath.
It sounds simple, because it is. Breath deeply, and mindfullly. Notice the inhale and exhale. And note the place of calm and balance from which you are breathing. Set an intention to stay in that place throughout the place, and to always return to that place when anxiety, stress or other emotions start to throw you off balance.
2. Be Thankful.
Rhyme off three reasons you have to be grateful right now. Maybe its the amazing night’s sleep. Maybe its a delicious breakfast you will have before you start your day. Maybe its the simple fact you didn’t sleep through your alarm. Set your day off on a good note by searching for the positive. Even quantum physics has recently proven that the energy you put out into the world is the energy you will get back. Exude positive, happy thoughts, and you are more likely to encounter positive and happy events in return. Don’t believe me? It’s science.
3. Be Intentional.
Make a to do list— not a long one— of three things you want to accomplish today. Once you have those clear goals in your head, you can more easily direct your energy and actions towards those goals as the day goes on.
If you are so inclined, you can also go beyond a simple list and journal an intention for the day. Whether it is to be productive, be kind, or be calm, keep it simple. Make at a single phrase to capture an overall feeling that you can continue to come back to throughout the day.
4.Move your body.
That could be a leisurely morning walk, a heart pumping weight session, a meditative yoga flow, or even simply some gentle stretches before you even get out of bed. Whatever you do, it is enough. Find what works for you, what energizes you and puts you in a better mental and physical state for the rest of the day. Whether its 50 minutes or 5 minutes, that little bit of movement will bring you into your body before it hits the ground running.
5. Do something to clean your vessel.
As important as it is to move your body, it is also important to care for it in other ways, and paying individual attention to different aspects of your physical being. This could mean dry brushing your skin, moisturizing your face and body after you shower or before makeup, cleansing and exfoliating your face, oil rinsing your mouth, jade rolling, applying hand cream, doing a hair or face mask, or any other hygienic self-care act that you enjoy that might fit into your time frame here.
This kitty cat understands the joy of dry brushing
I know this might sound like something from a beauty magazine. But its the one morning habit that took me years to develop, but is now something that I find helps my sense of mental wellbeing just as much as anything else on this list. Taking the moment to do something that feels like a little bit of “extra” care for my body helps to remind me how to treat and talk to myself.
In the past, the only thing I would do on this list was the movement. And in that way movement became a form of punishment rather than care. Making myself deliberately build in a small act of care continues to shift my perspective of how I view my body from something I need to tame or force or control, to something to respect and appreciate.
I don’t manage to do all of these things every morning. Some days I only manage three, or two , and sometimes I barely manage one (I mean the breathing one is hard to avoid). But I find that having the intention of grounding myself first thing with these simple habits can really make a difference in how I feel going into the day.
As always, take what serves you, leave what doesn’t.
How do you start your mornings?
xoxo- J
Soul on Fire: Pursue Your Passion and Find Joy
“Pursue what sets your soul on fire.”
This is a quote I came across years ago, back when I was probably 16 or 17 years old. It spoke to me then and I continue to let it guide me now.
I am a creature of habit in many ways. I am also a homebody, and often, a ball of anxiety. In turn, I tend to get stuck in comfort zones quite often. Places that feel safe and contained, but limiting, in all aspects of my life from my work to my writing to relationships and to recovery.
However, how I continue to pull myself out of these comfort zones and onto bigger, bolder things, is often coming back to this quote, comparing what I am doing, and how I am living in this minute, to the bigger picture of the life I want to live, being the person I want to be, and doing the things that fill me with purpose, passion, and fire.
When I find myself getting too obsessive with anything, to the point that it takes me out of the moment and starts to impede my ability to enjoy other parts of life, such as spending time with my family or friends, I have to pull myself back and ask myself how what I’m doing aligns to this greater vision. For instance, all the rules and rituals I had around food in my eating disorder made me feel safe and in control, but ultimately alienated me from the people in my life, and frankly made me act like a miserable b**** instead of the happy and carefree person I truly wanted to be.
Another example is horses. I have taken up riding again this summer, at an awesome stable unlike any other I have came across in Ontario. And it just so happens to be twenty minutes away from where I am currently living (the universe working its magic once again).
During my days of extreme exercise obsession, I essentially stopped riding, even though I had spent my entire life up to that point wanting nothing more than to spend every minute in the saddle. I felt that riding was not good enough exercise to be a regular activity of mine, when that time could be more effectively spent running or biking or doing some other workout that would result in a greater calorie burn. I reflect on that now and want to shake that version of myself for being so, so wrong.
I’ve gone riding almost every day this month. Quite often, after being out there in a hard saddle in the blistering heat, on a horse making me work for it, I come home and the last thing I want to do is another form of exercise. Niggles of my old way of thinking come through my mind sometimes, suggesting that I should do another workout to escape the pang of guilt for choosing this milder form of activity. However, I go back to that quote, and strive to make choices that are guided by what sets my soul on fire. And when I commit to that internal guidance, the guilt and shame and destructive way of thinking ebbs and falls away.
When I am an old woman, with a bad back, and brittle bones, I won’t look back on this summer and wish that I had ran more miles or lifted more weights. What I would regret would be forcing myself to do things that brought me little joy or lasting happiness, instead of being on a horse every chance I could.
No workout can give me the same thrill as galloping through forests, laughing with new friends, and returning home sweaty and smelling of horses and fly spray.
This summer, I have this golden opportunity where I have the means and time to be with horses, to improve my riding, and simply indulge the horse crazy little girl in me. When I am back living in the city, working in a classroom 9-5 come september, my summer of horses will be over. Sure, I am choosing saddle time over improving my kilometers per hour or personal best, but I am feeding my soul and honouring my passion.
20 years from now, I would rather be riding horses than running marathons. Someone else might have the opposite ambition.
Moral of the story is pursue what makes you happy. Do today what your future self will thank you for.
Kick your own butt out of ruts and comfort zones.
Indulge your soul in what calls to you- whether its horses, or painting or mountain biking or sourdough baking.
What sets your soul on fire? How are you feeding the flames?
Til next time,
Jordan
Xoxo