How (Not) to be Single— Relearning how to be in a Relationship

For the first time in a very long time I am in a relationship.  Not a seeing-the-same-guy-every-weekend for a couple months kind of a relationship, or spend a week with someone-then-stop-talking torrid affair.  I am in a partnership, one of two attempting to navigate two separate existences as a team, and all the hills and valleys that entails.  

It all happened so suddenly and unexpectedly.  One second I was geared up for a summer of singledom in the big city, raving like a lunatic at a music festival, and the next I was soaked to the bone in a rainstorm talking to a guy with a ginger beard that would come to know me better than anyone else ever has. (Lets call him L, just because I pour my personal life into this online portal doesn’t mean he had to do the same.) My summer of envisioned solo adventures, girls’ nights out, and some productive career ventures quickly pivoted to a summer of us. 

It started with a spontaneous road trip to the east coast (booked over dinner on our third date), with nothing more than a big truck, a little cat, and the two of us going on a whim.  L wanted to do a road trip, and I had a plus one to a family wedding in halifax.  We knew it was a bit crazy, signing up for a week long venture with each other having known each other for not much longer than that, but this was one of those things that just felt right.  Even through we had been on just 3 dates, I felt closer and more connected to L than any other guy I had dated in the past couple years, even after months at a time.  

In that week we ran hand in hand into ocean waves during torrential downpours on Cape Breton island, snuck bottles of wine down to a dock at the end of the wedding reception, taught a cat to be a hiking partner, set up campsites in the dark, and et up twinkle lights for midnight dance parties.  Things could have gone either way, but after that week, being away from each other even just for a night or two felt strange.  And so ever since July, L has been making the trek from Barrie to where I am downtown, and I have become a regular GOtrain commuter when I have a weekend clear to spend at his house way down the 400.  

Its new, but it feels like its been longer. I was getting very comfortable doing my own solo thing, never needing to count in anyone else to my plans, but here I am splitting family holidays, compromising netflix choices, wearing and washing his sweatshirts, and I am living for it.  I love being someone’s human, and them being mine. 

I love the good morning texts, the personalized nicknames, the random phone calls that go on longer than they really should, the kisses on the forehead.  I love where we are, a place where I can be silly and playful, and weird and messy without worrying about trying to be anything other than my less-than-flawless self, because its those little things I know he adores about me.  

But thats not to say this sudden shift from solo to partnership has been seamless.  Despite how much I value L and our relationship, and have no desire to be with anyone ever than him, I have some unleaning to do in how this translates out in the world.  

In my single days, I would go out to a bar or a club, have a drink with whoever was buying them, dance with whoever I wanted to, kiss whoever I wanted to.  If it was with a guy I didn’t want to drink or dance with or kiss, it was a one and done kind of deal.  I would walk away, goodbye and thank you very much and venture into the next part of my night.  

Now back in the role of girlfriend, its’ occurred to me I need to lay out boundaries a little more clearly than this.  I am loyal and committed, but I am also a little naive and overly trusting.   So while I can be upfront a tell a guy that I have a boyfriend, I cannot outright trust that is a line they will not cross.  So continuing to engage in banter or  to accept a drink from that guy is not so inconsequential as it was back when I was single.  

Its taken me a long time to find the words to write about this… I’m struggling to find a way to talk about this grey area of appropriate behaviour for people in a relationship, let alone navigate it. Of course there are the obvious infractions like cheating, making out with someone else, and even planning or initiating these things whether in person or through texts.

But what about acts that are less black and white?

What about giving or getting someone else’s number?

Or grinding up on someone at ac club? Or even just dancing close together?

What about making plans to see a “friend” who isn’t friends with your partner and hits on you every chance they get? What about being kissed by that friend, even if you didn’t initiate it?

Are you completely innocent in this scenario? Or did you start to cross a boundary the moment you let your guard down and found yourself alone with them? Or is it only the person that made the move the one in the wrong?

I don’t have any black and white judgement or final verdict on these situations. And I’m sure depending on who you were to ask, you might get a different answer for each. For me personally, I know my own perspective has shifted with the change in my relationship status.

Being single, most of these situations seemed innocent enough, as none of the acts were intentional. However, I am now learning how you can hurt someone even without “intending” to do so. Being ignorant can be just as devastating as having bad intentions.

I suppose the way I am looking at this now, is less about what I am “allowed” to do or not do when in a relationship, but if what I am doing (intentional or not) could hurt my partner in some way. If the potential consequence could lesson their trust or faith in me, or paint the image to anyone else that I am anything but happily involved, its not worth the risk.

This is not an easy lesson to learn, but its easy to put into action. The hardest part is figuring out the boundaries, making clear the blurry grey. But once you have set out the expectations and boundaries for yourself, its a lot easier to go out and enjoy situations knowing you are not sending anyone any kind of vague signals or mixed messages.

We are both learning and adjusting. I am learning to have clearer boundaries, and L is learning to share the covers.   It is a journey, but it is one I am happy to be on.  And there is no one else I would rather be riding shotgun with as we relearn and figure out this relationship world together. 

Where do you stand when it comes to relationship conduct? If you have another perspective, leave a comment! I’d love to know how the rest of you navigate the grey areas in the wild.

Love and light,

Jae

xxoo