Love is All You Need (but not the kind found in a Hallmark Christmas movie)

It’s November when  Christmas movies start playing on TV, and as I do every year, I watch them. (they’re awful I know. I am judging myself too).  Last year, I found many of them hard to get through-- and not only for their cringey acting, and cliche writing, and predictable storylines. 

They were hard to watch because it was my first Christmas in five years that I was watching them alone.  Not alone alone-- I had my family, and I am so thankful for that— but alone in the sense that I no longer had a clear image in my head of what next Christmas would look like, of who I would be with to buy a tree and wrap presents and visit the Christmas market next year, or in the next ten years. It felt like sidewalk I had been walking on crumbled out from under me, leaving me with no idea which way was forward, and no set direction for my next step.

The person who I thought I would be my person for the rest of my life was gone, and last Christmas was my first real hit of that reality. There was no significant other to coordinate family gathering around, no sentimental heartfelt gifts to be planned or purchased, and no Christmas songs on any playlist that reflected my recent status update. Turns out that Christmas is often a time that only makes people that are already happy feel happier, and those that are sad or lonely or more lonely.

However, obviously, as I am writing this post, I made it through last Christmas.  There were sad moments, like when we were pulling out the place cards to set the table for Christmas dinner and his name was there on the top of the pile.  But there was also many joyful, happy moments, made even more joyful by the simple fact that I found myself able to enjoy them, like having impromptu dance parties in the kitchen with my cousins, and talking late into the night over wine and cookies with my aunties.  

This year, I found myself experiencing another pleasant surprise: being able to actually enjoy some of those cheesy Hallmark movies, including the cutesy and cliche rom-coms. I suppose my change of heart is twofold:  The first part is simply that this Christmas is no longer the first that I am doing it solo.  The fear and sadness and loneliness that I felt last year is not surfacing this time around, as a lot of how I feared I would feel, or what would happen, did NOT actually happen. 

Not only did I “survive” last Christmas, but I actually enjoyed it.  I learned that I could still be surrounded by love and happiness and “christmas cheer” even if I was not in a relationship. 

And so now going into this holiday season, I am excited for it all: the cheery Christmas music, the cheesy movies, the glittery decorations, and seeing (close) family, even if I am doing it solo.  

Which brings me to the second reason for this newfound christmas spirit: I am seeing someone. It’s early days, and who knows where it will go. But I am in a place so vastly different than where I was last year, that I know I have finally done what I wasn’t alway sure I could do. I have moved on. And moved on not only in that I have attached myself to someone new, but that I have spent enough time on my own that I am also capable of being happy unattached to anyone.

I have formed many more closer and more intimate friendships and connections in this year of being single than I was ever able to do in the many years I spent in a relationship.

I have learned that while love is arguably the most important thing in this world, it is NOT exclusively kind of love we see in Christmas movies. It is the love we share with our families, our friends, our relatives and colleagues and neighbours and pets, and at the heart of it all, the love we have for ourselves.

This year, I am going into Christmas with those two things going for me. I have had a year of becoming pretty contented and happy flying solo, so I am feeling good going into the holidays doing exactly that. However, I am also newly in that giddy, warm, excited phase of a new crush or love or lust or whatever you want to call it, which is also catapulting me into the holidays with a rosy glow that has little to do with mulled cider or wine . 

But I am so liberated and excited by this falling-in-like-feeling because I haven’t felt this way since my last long relationship, with a partner whom I truly did love.  And while it is much much too early to call this “love” yet,  the fact that I can imagine it heading that way makes me kinda feel like one of those annoyingly happy characters frolicking about in the snow in a hallmark christmas special.

I am at a brand new beginning. Maybe with this very new fling I am feeling out.  Maybe with another one around the corner. 

My heart is open once again, and the space can be filled by another genetic code other than the one which I thought I was subscribed to indefinitely. And that is a beautiful possibility.  

This Christmas I will be quarantining before coming home to my family.  I will not be able to spend it with this new person in my life, although I would like to.  However, I am still looking forward to the holidays.  My experience last year has taught me that I don’t need anybody by my side to join in the feeling of love and joy and magic that is oozing almost obnoxiously around Christmastime. 

While quarantining for two weeks on my own, I don’t need to fall into a pit of loneliness.  I can sing “Baby its cold outside” and “All I want for Christmas” at the top of my lungs, even if the only living being in my house with me is my dog. 

I can put up a tree anywhere I want and adorn it with an overkill of unicorn ornaments in any way I want. 

I can bake cookies and gingerbread and potica without fighting for kitchen space.

I can watch the most childish and sappiest Christmas specials without having to compromise and throw on a documentary or action movie that I could happily live my entire life without witnessing.

And once quarantining is over, I can have Christmas dinner with my family, joining in on the food and laughter and conversation no matter who is sitting the chair beside me. Because while love is a wonderful and powerful thing, even more powerful is the realization that love enters and exits our lives at different times, and all throughout that ebb and flow, we have everything that we need to be happy and whole within our own beings. 

I am excited to see where this new path I am on goes, with the person who I am on it with. But in the meantime, I will enjoy the place where I am now: My feet grounded at the beginning, my head and my heart alive with the potential twists and turns and adventures ahead, imagining possible happy endings, and seeking out the happiness in each present moment. 

It’s fun to daydream, but not at the expense of missing out what now has to offer.  And right now for me that is the unfiltered joy and excitement of my little kindies getting ready for Santa, decorating my downtown home with my best friends/roommates, and making the best of quarantine to see my family after months of living apart. 

And of course, enjoying another couple weeks with the new boy in my life before quarantining... 

This post started out with a point but it seems to have ended in a bit of a ramble.  Take from it what you will.  Leave what doesn’t make sense or serve you.  I suppose what I am really trying to say is that love is wonderful, but it isn’t everything. 

If you can learn to love yourself first, and be happy with the person you are unattached to anyone, you can find joy and happiness in every moment and every circumstance.

And if you are where I was last christmas, heading into a season of cliche love stories for the first time on your own in awhile, just know that how you are feeling now will NOT be how you feel every holiday from here on in.  You WILL make it through, maybe even enjoy it, and you’ll be stronger for it.  

You have all you need.  Keep your heart and your mind open, your feet grounded in the present moment, and your path will fall in place before you.  

Spending two weeks before Christmas just Jaeda and I this year.

Wishing you all a wonderful beginning to the holiday season, however that may look for you this year.

Xoxo

Jordan